AIBU - mum not been in touch

[Biscuitfiend1]

Hi, I’m wondering if I’m unreasonable person. I’ve been told I have to go for a breast scan due to finding a lump. I texted my mum to tell her this a few days ago now and she simply texted to say that hopefully I won’t need to wait long. That is it. What hurts is that she will jump to help my (needy) sibling and see her friends but I always feel like I come last. I don’t ask for much, usually because I’m made to feel guilty, so tend to just get on things. I wonder if this is to my detriment, maybe she just feels I’m capable and don’t need support from her. My OH and friends have been in touch. Is it too much to ask that my mum show some concern too, or am I just expecting too much? Please be honest. Thank you 😊

Apologies for the typos!

What do you want her to say? I think she said all that needs to be said bit you are obviously and understandably worried and overthinking. She's probably not being dramatic over this on order for you not to worry. You so sound as though you possibly often overthink so perhaps why she's being low key?

A scan is just that, a scan. .
You haven't got cancer. It's to see if you have a possibility of cancer. So you both have nothing to worry about just yet

Try not to overthink it, please don't worry until there is something to worry about every minute spent worrying is a minute not spent enjoying

Yanbu. If my dd was going through this I would call her immediately.

@maddy68 I disagree that there’s any indication of over thinking.

@Biscuitfiend1 good luck for your scan!
I don’t think there’s much point in focusing on this one example.
The fact that you texted it possibly shows you’re not close - that’s not a criticism by the way!
But on that one incident you could get all the range of replies:

• of course she should calling you daily to check
• she doesn’t want to crowd you, you don’t have the actual scan date yet and you choosing text kept her at arms length

All sorts of theories…

What matters, is that you can judge your relationship in its entirety, with all your other examples.

I'm sorry you've got this worry on my mind @Biscuitfiend1 and I completely understand all the thoughts that're whirling through your mind, but yes, I think at this stage you're judging her based on past behaviours and that she doesn't seem to treat you fairly and equally with other people in her life.

It may well be she thinks you're more self sufficient, but I'd wait and see how things go before being upset.

I hope it's not too long a wait for the scan and to see someone. Good luck

YANBU
She should be on the phone to say she understands you're worried and to reassure you that it is likely be nothing.

(This happened to me a few years ago, and it was nothing.)

YANBU. I had a scan on Friday for the same thing and at first I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. When I finally did tell some friends only one person acknowledged it and noone has asked about it and it really hurt. It is a big thing and you must be really worried. I hope it goes well and you get the all clear. The mammogram is over in about 4 minutes and it was uncomfortable for a few seconds but not too bad at all. Wish you luck OP.

But you sent your mum a text.

If you are feeling concerned about this lump, a text doesn't reflect your concern.

Why didn't you talk to her? She would have been able to express much more and reassure you in a conversation rather than in a text response,

YADNBU. I would expect any decent mother to be on the phone reassuring you. Her matter of fact text sounds very uncaring to me. I too would be upset by this.
I hope you’re seen soon and everything is ok for you.

Do you communicate by whatsapp, OP? Facebook Insta and Whatsapp have all been down this afternoon. Maybe that’s why?? hopeful

Yanbu as a mother you’d think she’d be concerned about you emotionally and want to check in.

Maybe she doesn't want to react too hard so as not to agitate any anxiety you might have. You texted, she texted. No escalation.

It could be worse. My mother would have had an emotional meltdown, made it all about her, and I'd have had to spend my strength making her feel better.

Hope your scan goes OK.

Thank you everyone.

I texted her because she was at work so I knew she couldn’t talk, I realise though that I probably should’ve waited. I know she’s not a bad person but there’s been so many instances in the past where she’s made me feel like I’m not a priority. If I ever ask for a favour I’m made to feel guilty or that I’m adding to her stresses, so I just don’t anymore. What hurts most is that my (needy and often abusive) sibling is always made a priority. I guess I just can’t understand it as I know how I would be if it were my child.

Perhaps, like Maddie said, I should just stop overthinking and accept what is.

Thank you for the supportive messages everyone xxx

This!! She is very much like this too. I know she’ll be on the phone to her friends saying how this is just another stress for her!
I feel for you x

Erm… if you are independent and stronger than your siblings she will know not to make a fuss because you don’t need one, or she may not know how to approach you after receiving the information.

WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, etc have been on and off today, before you get resentful, give her a ring to check if she received your message.

And remember, life is short, it is stressful to find a lump but, try to save the worrying until you get a diagnose as it may be nothing, and even if it is bad news, at this present time you can’t do anything but wait.

I think that's really shitty.

Hope everything is ok

Ok, if she is one to make a fuss and you are the type of person that doesn’t welcome them, it may be as simple as she not knowing what to do with the information as she may not want to upset you further with her worries. Not all mothers are reassuring and supportive in the right way.

My DM can be like this @Biscuitfiend1 but with her it’s because she doesn’t like to worry or get upset about things so she just glosses over everything. Problem is that it can come across as not really giving a toss

Just saying because my mother is the same… so the poor woman sometimes hold as she doesn’t know how will I take it 🙂

@GrandmasCat I hear you. Maybe she just doesn’t want to worry me. I think we’re probably just different people who approach things differently. Would be nice to be offered reassurance and support sometimes though 🤷‍♀️

Your mum is being shit and this isn't the first time and deep down you know this. She probably favours your sibling again its not nice to admit but I wager you know this. Parents can be so crap. She won't change. You have to accept this. It is only a reflection off her not you. Hugs

@SparryG thank you for saying that and yes, deep down, I do know this. I think she thinks that my sibling needs her more, but in actual fact at times, I’ve needed her more. I think the lack of a call, even just to reassure, just confirms this. I wouldn’t mind if I were a PIA drama queen, but I’m really not! I e tried o hard over the years, I bite my tongue, I’m always welcoming and would do anything for her and my family, but it’s rarely returned. Hey ho 🤷‍♀️ I guess that’s why you choose your friends! X

Pop over to the Stately Homes thread OP. They are a lovely bunch who can give great advice.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4265761-June-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

Awwww mate, I feel your pain completely, I have the same set up with my mum.and sister so I really do get it. I genuinely hope you are healthy and stay well and the lump.turns out to be nothing more than a cyst. Of which it is more likely than cancer. Good luck and best wishes to you. Hugs xx

@CoffeeBeansGalore thank you that would be great, though I wouldn’t be railroading yours or someone else’s post would I?