AIBU - mum not been in touch

[Biscuitfiend1]

Hi, I’m wondering if I’m unreasonable person. I’ve been told I have to go for a breast scan due to finding a lump. I texted my mum to tell her this a few days ago now and she simply texted to say that hopefully I won’t need to wait long. That is it. What hurts is that she will jump to help my (needy) sibling and see her friends but I always feel like I come last. I don’t ask for much, usually because I’m made to feel guilty, so tend to just get on things. I wonder if this is to my detriment, maybe she just feels I’m capable and don’t need support from her. My OH and friends have been in touch. Is it too much to ask that my mum show some concern too, or am I just expecting too much? Please be honest. Thank you 😊

YANBU. I think that often parents feel there are some or one of their kids who need more, and others who can care for themselves. It hurts to be the fender for yourself (been there). But I wonder if you explained how you are feeling - or did you just tell her you had the scan and hope she would understand? At some point I think it is worth telling people like this that you need some support too - but unfortunately if this is their mentality I don't think you will shift them much. It always helped me to remember my mum was doing her best but was limited in her emotional ability and that support was unlikely to be forthcoming. Big hugs to you, it is always worrying when this kind of thing happen even though it is overwhelmingly likely to be ok.

@Smashingspinster I just told her about the scan and thought she might call, but she hasn’t. I have told her in the past that I’d like some support too at times but it just falls on deaf ears. I do try and think that, I know it’s not always been easy for her but I always support her and try and understand her pov. Thank you, I’m ok, it’s just times like this that often highlight what you already know. Thing is when she eventually does call I just won’t feel like talking to her 😬 x

@Wopies I hope you got the all clear? Thank you for the reassurance x

@SparryG thank you for the well wishes lovely xx

My mum would be the same Op. I know it hurts, I stop telling my mum stuff now as she doesn't show much interest. If anything happened she'd be the last to know unfortunately

Yes, I have been there too! And it is no doubt used as evidence you are unreasonable. In the end I had to realize that my mother was very undeveloped emotionally and had to rigidly stick to her version of reality (which was often very out there, you could hear the story changing as something first happened til she had a version which showed her to the best light, after which that was the version that would be repeated, despite what the truth was). It is painful - hope you have good friends and a family that you have built for yourself to support you. I used to tell myself that it was not that she thought less of me, but that she could not allow herself to feel I needed more support as that would require her to admit she had been less than supportive in the past. As long as your mum is alive you probably wont want to give up hope completely (I didn't), but I had to lower my expectations and find others to be my first point of contact when I needed to talk. Take care.

I think that if you text someone then it’s reasonable to expect a text in response. The other persons emotional response tends to reflect yours. If you had called and sounded anxious or like you needed comfort then I’m
sure you would’ve got it. I actually hate it when my mum makes too much of a fuss and I avoid even telling her stuff sometimes because of it!

@Biscuitfiend1 Not at all. They are a genuinely lovely bunch who have dealt/are dealing with difficult family members. You will get some good advice & not feel that the situation is your fault.

@maddy68 I disagree 100%-my mother was a source of comfort for me when my breast tumor was under investigation. She wants validation and reassurance. @Biscuitfiend1 Best of luck to you-I'm four years post diagnosis and cancer free. Wishing you a good outcome and love and support-friends are family we choose ❤️

@EKGEMS I’m so glad to hear you’re fighting fit, well done to you 👏 thank you. Luckily have good mates and my own little family. I think I just need to stop expecting anything beyond the necessary from my mum x

I think you’ve got off quite lightly. You’ve got enough on your plate; the absolute last thing you need is her making it all about her. She wouldn’t have given you what you needed even if she had phoned. Some people are just a bit rubbish when it comes to parenting.

I have to have mammograms every year because of a high risk thing. It’s so quick and easy, you’ll be in and out in five minutes. At most, it can be a bit uncomfortable (you’ve got a bit of the machine pressing in your armpit while your boob is being squashed) but it isn’t painful. Sometimes they take another scan if the first one didn’t come out that clearly, so don’t panic if they do; it usually means you weren’t positioned correctly. And they definitely don’t tell you anything there and then. Good luck!

OP thank you. I know I'm so fortunate to be here. In my experience here in the states since I have a history they perform the mammograms and I sit and wait and I'm told then and there if everything is clear or if I need further testing. That way I'm not sitting at home worried. They schedule cancer survivors early before normal mammograms.