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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Awful awful argument in front of the kids

47 replies

Onedaylikethis21 · 04/10/2021 04:09

I feel so awful - had a screaming argument with DP in the car with my 2 kids (9 & 13) present- both very upset. I actually told DP that I hated him - think it’s born out of frustration over other things but he was being really passive aggressive and I just lost it. It’s the first argument like that we have had in a long time but as you can imagine, kids were so upset and terrified.

Anyway, I feel absolutely dreadful about upsetting the kids and losing it in that way - it was appalling behaviour by both of us particularly in a car.

I have apologised to the kids and tried to talk to them about it but Aibu to ask for how to deal with this - it’s made me feel like the worst parent ever. Should I be honest and say that sometimes people get angry? I have as an aside told DP that we need urgent counselling/ mediation but I feel like that didn’t help with the impact on the kids.

It’s given me a bit of a long night of the soul to be honest.

OP posts:

Rafting2022 · 04/10/2021 04:19

Is he their dad?

GTAlogic · 04/10/2021 04:23

Just get some sleep. Things always seem worse at night. Kids see and hear arguments because it's an unfortunate part of life and, for the most part, one-off rows don't have long-lasting effects. If the rest of your relationship is healthy then it's just a bump in the road; if it's not then it'll spur you on to make changes.

Burnamer · 04/10/2021 04:25

I’m 43 and I still remember my parents rowing. It certainly left emotional scars. I spent much of my childhood wishing they would divorce and it made me feel unlovable. If it is was a one off then fair enough but that seems unlikely. If it wasn’t you either need to fix it or separate.

Original poster

Onedaylikethis21 · 04/10/2021 04:30

@Rafting2022 yes he’s their dad. Generally we are a happy normal family - DP does have a tendency to not handle expressing emotion very well. The kids definitely look to me to be the constant in that sense so that makes it worse. I come from a divorced family & remember rows myself

OP posts:

GTAlogic · 04/10/2021 04:38

I'm 41. I remember my mum and dad arguing and fighting and my sibling and me being afraid to turn the light on so we hid in the dark. They split when I was 5. My mum and step-dad rarely argued, ever, but when they did they were big ones. They were part of an otherwise healthy relationship though and I really don't think I was traumatised or have emotional scars from them. It really depends on the relationship as a whole. Arguments happen and I sometimes think children should occasionally see how they build up and how they're resolved without violence. If they're upset, tell them a bit about it and why it happened and then move on. There's no point in dwelling on it. As I said, use it as a starting point for either improving or ending your relationship if you need to.

Therira · 04/10/2021 04:44

You are human, and while it’s unfortunate, arguments happen. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. If you were a ‘bad’ mum I’m sure you wouldn’t even give it a second thought. The fact you’re worried just shows how caring and good you are. Be kind to yourself.

WTF475878237NC · 04/10/2021 05:04

I'm sorry OP. What a horrible thing to have happened. I have a memory of being in my Aunt's car and thinking we were going to crash as something happened and she was obviously distracted. I hope it's nothing like that was. It was a one off and absolutely terrifying. I was about 10 and I remember telling my mum I never wanted to go in anyone else's car again.

The unpredictability of your behaviour and being in the car must have been scary for them. I don't think I'd try to normalise it in any way. I'd just keep apologising, re-building their sense of safety if they express any feelings of fear or mistrust in you both, and take steps to ensure they're not in that vulnerable situation again. I wouldn't assume one conversation will be it done with as kids can take time to process things.

TomPinch · 04/10/2021 05:10

OP, I wish DW and I had done as well as you and your DH have - the first argument and your youngest is 9.

It's not great, but the reality is that these things can happen.

You asked whether you should be honest and say that sometimes people get angry. In my view, absolutely, just make it clear that it shouldn't happen and that it was a mistake by you two.

The feeling is awful but the fact that you're feeling it does show you're not as bad as you think.

starrynight21 · 04/10/2021 05:11

Should I be honest and say that sometimes people get angry?

Sorry but that's what you'd say to a child of 5. They are 9 and 13 - plenty old enough to know that there is a lot more to it than "sometimes people get angry".

They'll need some honesty, in my opinion. If you can give them some context to the argument it might help .I'd say that you and your DH need some education in anger management - it's never OK to fight like that , especially in a car where the kids were trapped , forced to listen ! If you and your DH couldn't see where it was going, and to know that the circumstances were totally inappropriate, you really need to seek some help with your relationship , and with your interactions with your children.

TheFoundations · 04/10/2021 05:41

I think you need to look at why you lost it. He's passive aggressive and this sort of thing doesn't come out of nowhere; it's been building up in you for a long time, and now you've had a blow out, it'll start building up again. The kids will be aware of this in the atmosphere, even if you're not outwardly arguing. I grew up with parents who often got on well but had terrifying occasional blow-out arguments. The feeling of waiting for it was like trying to relax when you know there's a balloon and a pin nearby that are bound to meet at some point. It affected my adult relationships until I had counselling, because I thought that the balloon and pin model was normal for a relationship. Don't give your children this model, because they will replicate it.

I wouldn't say this if the argument truly was a one-off, but your mention of his passive aggressive behaviour hints at ongoing problems. It's not just the actual arguments that get to kids.

simitra · 04/10/2021 05:50

When I was a kid my parents were always arguing about money. Or ratherthe lack of it. One night there was a terrible row and my mother hit my father with her purse and kept screaming about how she could not feed a family on what he was bringing home. It was the 1950s when times were hard.

My sister was too young to understand but I used to dread these rows. I always held it agaist my parents and when I was older I told my mother thats she should have done more to shield us from them.

ThirdElephant · 04/10/2021 06:01

Well, it's done now OP, and can't be undone, so best not dwell on it. You've apologised to the kids. I'd tell them that screaming is never an acceptable way to vent feelings in an argument and would apologise to your DP for screaming at him too. If he screamed at you he also owes you an apology. Then move on.

Moving forward, don't do it again. Adults don't need to have screaming arguments and there are coping strategies you can employ to prevent it getting to that level. Look them up and try to employ them. Let your kids know what you're doing to make sure it doesn't happen again.

TrishM80 · 04/10/2021 06:06

You say your partner was "passive aggressive" but maybe he was trying to stay calm while you were losing your head.

LouLou789 · 04/10/2021 06:14

Yes, it would be good to get to the bottom of the dynamic between you and OH but you were asking about the children. Is he on board with talking with them, too? It would help if he is, rather than you having to sort it all out (speaking as a sh*t shoveller myself, who always seemed to be the one clearing up after crappy events)

When you’re talking with the kids, I would say as well as the “everybody gets angry” line, you could explain that a. Conflicts can be resolved and therefore conflict does not always spell disaster and b. There are (mostly) better ways to resolve conflict than yelling.

Good luck, OP, and air hope you can sort things with OH

Iggly · 04/10/2021 06:29

@TrishM80

You say your partner was "passive aggressive" but maybe he was trying to stay calm while you were losing your head.

I think people can tell the difference. My DH does this - and it isn’t a case of him calmly expressing his opinion. He just shuts down and makes it impossible to have a proper conversation.

YouJustFoldItIn · 04/10/2021 06:52

DP does have a tendency to not handle expressing emotion very well.

And you do? Not everyone thinks it's necessary or healthy to have an abusive screaming session once in a while.

You say your partner was "passive aggressive" but maybe he was trying to stay calm while you were losing your head.

I agree.

I actually told DP that I hated him - think it’s born out of frustration over other things but he was being really passive aggressive and I just lost it.

If you were the man in this scenario, screaming at your wife that you hated her in front of the children, while she is trying to stay calm, she'd be told to leave you because you are abusive and not a good father for verbally abusing you in front of the children.

Happymum12345 · 04/10/2021 07:06

Arguments happen. My dh family never argued and they are completely messed up in other ways.
Most people say things in arguments that they shouldn’t.
You’ve said sorry and explained it to your dc. I wouldn’t spend any more time or energy thinking about it.

Ijustreallywantacat · 04/10/2021 07:08

Totally agree Justfolditin. Not that I think you are abusive or that you need to leave right away OP, but don't try to minimise or make excuses. Someone being 'passive aggressive' in your opinion doesn't excuse shouting and screaming.

Cuddle your kids, cuddle your DP, and listen to each other. You're obviously both pissing each other off somehow. I'm probably the same as your DP. Not great at expressing myself and quiet if overwhelmed by negative feelings.

Ijustreallywantacat · 04/10/2021 07:10

Oh yes, but also don't panic. If it's a one off, you're not going to scar the kids.

Original poster

Onedaylikethis21 · 04/10/2021 07:10

@YouJustFoldItIn he wasn’t calm either - it was a horrible massive Row- he shouted too- it was a massive scene. Having reflected on the reasons why I lost it, he’s very similar to what @Iggly describes a lot of the time:
“I think people can tell the difference. My DH does this - and it isn’t a case of him calmly expressing his opinion. He just shuts down and makes it impossible to have a proper conversation”

OP posts:

RobinsReliant · 04/10/2021 07:18

You are human. You gave recognised the impact on your children and apologised to them.

Forgive yourself.

traintraveller · 04/10/2021 07:19

He may well have been passive aggressive but you said you hated their dad and your partner in front of them. That's much worse.

SpindleWhirl · 04/10/2021 07:20

Have you slept at all, OP? Because today isn't going to be the day for dealing with difficult things if you're immensely tired.

MissyB1 · 04/10/2021 07:24

@simitra interesting that you thought it was your mother’s responsibility to shield you from your parent’s rows, what about your dad? It takes two to tango, did you ever confront him about it like you did with your mum?

OP you and Dh need to talk to the kids together and promise that you will work together on your relationship to make sure that scene never happens again.

1309username · 04/10/2021 07:32

I once heard a child expert on a podcast saying how important it is that parents make up in front of the children.

She was saying how adults may to go to another room to deal with the fight and sometimes children don’t get to see the ‘make up’ part, which is important for them to see.

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