Awful awful argument in front of the kids

[Onedaylikethis21]

I feel so awful - had a screaming argument with DP in the car with my 2 kids (9 & 13) present- both very upset. I actually told DP that I hated him - think it’s born out of frustration over other things but he was being really passive aggressive and I just lost it. It’s the first argument like that we have had in a long time but as you can imagine, kids were so upset and terrified.

Anyway, I feel absolutely dreadful about upsetting the kids and losing it in that way - it was appalling behaviour by both of us particularly in a car.

I have apologised to the kids and tried to talk to them about it but Aibu to ask for how to deal with this - it’s made me feel like the worst parent ever. Should I be honest and say that sometimes people get angry? I have as an aside told DP that we need urgent counselling/ mediation but I feel like that didn’t help with the impact on the kids.

It’s given me a bit of a long night of the soul to be honest.

People argue, people shout, it’s part of life. Constantly arguing would be different. But kids need to see that if someone explodes unnecessarily that the6 handle it ok. Apologise, explain, say you were out of order.

A therapist once talked to me about how important it is for children to see and learn from how you deal with conflict. Think about what you want your children to take away from this and model that behaviour. Eg, don’t sweep it under the carpet abd treat it with fear and horror. Instead acknowledge that it was really bad behaviour from the two of you, that you’re learning from it and model a healthy way to resolve the conflict with your DH

Yes - I get that DH shuts down - and what then happens ime is that you keep up appearances for the DCs sake, you try to cover over his glum miserableness, in an attempt to make their life worry free and happy.
This builds up into you losing your rag.

Anyway, I now think (my DCs long grown up) that explaining what happened, why it happened, without a lot of criticism, but from your point of view. Perhaps write it down and read it to the DCs quietly in their rooms one at a time, at a level they might understand. Let them think about it and welcome any questions or criticism. Or they will do the keep quiet and pretend it didn't happen/ it doesn't matter , whilst secretly worrying, which is bad for their health and mind.

Most parents fight - in different ways - and providing it's outweighed by lots of happy times where parents get on well, and providing they see their parents apologising and acknowledging that screaming at each other isn't a good way to act then they will be fine. My parents used to not speak to each other - my dad would go into silence's that would last days and sometimes weeks, and mum would just carry on as normal. No shouting involved there, but boy, it was horrible - the odd shouting match would have been preferable.

You'll get some pretty robust advice on here given it's AIBU - if you're feeling a bit fragile (understandably) maybe ask for this to be moved to Relationships?

I think this is all awful too, the worst part is saying that you hate him in front of them - that's their dad! I really think you need to explain that to them, that you were lashing out in a very childish way out of frustration at the situation. You were trying to provoke a reaction from him out of frustration at him not being very good at expressing himself. I can understand the frustration but of course this is not going to get him to change and you need to explain that you've gone about things in the wrong way. Tell them you're going to book yourselves counselling to help you both deal with things in a better way and then be sure to follow through. Then something positive can come out of this for all of you and they will learn a big lesson in how to deal with really difficult situations like this. You can turn this round and make it a useful think for all of you.

I don’t think it sounds that bad, to be honest.

Unfortunate but there is a massive difference between parents always fighting and parents fighting once. Have a chat with them, reassure them, you’ve done that.

Don’t judge yourself harshly @Onedaylikethis21 life is hard enough.

*thing

Most parents fight - in different ways - and providing it's outweighed by lots of happy times where parents get on well, and providing they see their parents apologising and acknowledging that screaming at each other isn't a good way to act then they will be fine.

That really depends on the children. My parents did this and it was absolutely awful for me and my siblings never knowing when the next explosion was coming.

If as you say you argue rarely then this will feel worse because you rarely argue. Not only because of the kids but because of yourself, iyswim.

A lot of the posters here say that they were scared/hid/wanted their parents to divorce, but those were posters whose parents argued constantly. There is a vast difference between adults who argue all the time and adults who have an occasional but rare heated row.

Adults having arguments is a fact of life and children do need to realise that adults don’t always get on but that they can resolve their differences.

I’m 47 and I can remember my parents rowing precisely because they almost never did. Iyswim. And it certainly hasn’t left scars, I can say “oh, remember when you had that row….” And it’s more of a remembering thing. The children whose parents rowed all the time probably don’t remember the specific one, just that it happened.

You’ve apologised to the kids, now you need to see if you want to resolve things with your Dp.

All relationships have at least one moment where you hate each other/maybe even where divorce is mentioned/you think that you don’t want to continue. It’s life, and actually, in a long relationship it’s normal and it’s human, assuming it’s not regular.

I know my mum threatened my dad with divorce when we were kids. But even she remembers it. When I had some issues with my eXH, before we divorced,my mum said that everyone has wondered at some point whether a marriage is sustainable, the key is whether it’s resolveable or whether things are genuinely at an end.

My parents have been married for 51 years now,and they are genuinely still happy and have been for the majority of their marriage.

But you don’t live with someone for years and years and never reach a point where you wonder whether you really want to keep doing this because they’ve annoyed you so much.

Take a deep breath, if there are issues to be resolved then have a conversation with your DP, but move forward, don’t keep looking back so you can beat yourself up.

I once completely had a melt down at my other half in the car, he stonewalls and has the most irritating smirk when we are biting at each other. It was about 5 years ago, my would of been 5/6. I literally ended up pulling the car over and screaming at him to get the fuck out and walk.
He didnt know where we was or how to navigate the area on foot & refused until I was borderline lunatic. Ugh

My son still remembers it now, as do I as does my other half.

They won't forget it, you cant truely explain it, you have to let the guilt go though. It still eats me up and turns my tummy to knots every time i think about it. But, I dont think of it that often. I would say its broached once a year or so.

But thats life, sometimes we lose our shit. Yes as adults we should be able to hold back and behave, but clearly, sometimes we just do not / can not / will not.

You have apologized and explained to them, move forward now & if they bring it up then answer the questions but you can't live forever trying to fix one mistake.

Hope you and OH make up too.

Look if it a one off argument then I dont think it will cause much damage to DC.Its unrealistic to imagine "no one ever argues" .Try to explain that these things happen ..Also see you make up as well is important.Have a nice Supper /evening with them and move on .

I told my husband I wanted a divorce in front of the kids mid argument. At that moment, I really did.

He seems to push everything back on me and take no accountability for his actions (or lack of)

Explain to them that everybody loses their temper sometimes. It's horrible for everyone involved but especially horrible for children as it's frightening and must make them worry what will happen next. Apologise to them, and to be honest, I'd apologise profusely to your DH in front of them for saying you hate him. Tell him, in front of them, all the things you appreciate about him and explain you are going to get some help to manage your anger so it doesn;t explode like that in a car. If DH was on the receiving end of that while driving or if you were driving while raging, it is very dangerous.

But it does children no harm - and a lot of good - to learn that we can make amends when we've done wrong. We can apologise, get help, forgive people, move on, get better at it all. If they see you and your DH recover from this, that's a way better life lesson than growing up believing that no one ever fights or that a fight automatically ends in divorce.

Making a habit of it would be very damaging for them. A one off that you sort out could be the opposite.

DC have seen us explode about 5 times in 20 years. I don't think that's a problem. It's human.

I think some are a little dramatic on here. Your children are unlikely to be scarred for life over 1 argument in a car. It was undoubtedly unpleasant fir everyone but life happens.
You have acknowledged to them that this was wrong and you wouldn't have chosen this. Sometimes arguments blow up out of absolutely nowhere. You can explain that you said things you didn't mean and that often happens in arguments, and that you were trying to be hurtful because that can happen too. You can model that you fucked up and your reflection on that. Explain how you would do it differently and what's hopefully happening in the future when you get angry.
What happens now,with your husband is up to you /both of you.
Big hug OP

And DH does what - accepts the apology and forgives OP ............,..... is this what posters want? He is the good guy in all this?

OP I posted above and have read the thread. The thing that strikes me is that at no point in the lead up to the row did you or your DH think “DC shouldn’t see/ hear this so I’ll bite my tongue and have the row later if necessary”. Your DH might have been the most annoying arse in the world at that point but there was no reason to subject your DC to screaming whilst trapped in a car. I would be furious if friends did that to me now! Your DC appear to have been an after thought.

Sometimes you have to find the positives. You will not do this again, you will learn from it, you will get mediation and possibly come out with a much healthier relationship and be better able to communicate without resentment.

Perhaps this was needed as a kind of rock bottom moment. And as rock bottoms go, this was pretty tame.

You have done everything you can. You have apologised to DCs. You are human. Forgive yourself.

My parents used to scream at each other. My mum would say to us kids that we'd come home from school one day and find that she'd put an axe in his head.

They NEVER attempted to talk to us about it when things were calmer, never tried to contextualise it or explain what emotions are. We just grew up in a war zone as if that's normal.

The fact that you are worried about the impact on your children shows what a good parent you are. I'm sure whatever you say you will handle it well because you care about them and their emotional well being. It's a good opportunity to learn about emotions and how to express them healthily. Also to recognise that sometimes we all lose control but it's how we manage that afterwards and how we repair situations that matters.

It’s normal to argue - just be open about it. Your kids will be fine otherwise none of us would be here. Unpleasant things are part of life-we cant shield kids from all difficulties and they won’t be damaged.

One bad argument doesn't scar children, so don't worry too much about that.
Its what you do now that sets the tone on how it's remembered.

Apologise to them for losing your cool and apologise to DH in front of them for the same. Be honest, Say how you were frustrated but went about things the wrong way.

I'm glad you and DH are going to consider counselling.

My DH blanks me in arguments. Its awful, it becomes a passive aggressive him not replying me saying far too much to get a reaction.

Don’t beat yourself up OP, children are with us all the time, they are going to witness this in most families. It’s part of life for many. Each generation in my family remembers an argument from when their parents were younger, they were very rare though and they got on well they rest of the time. To be honest we laugh about them- particularly about an incident with my grandma towards my grandad as she was very feisty back then and has now really mellowed with age. I remember going to a sleepover at my friend’s house and her parents had a huge one- that wasn’t so funny as he could be a bit odd generally and I think it happened very frequently,

They won’t be messed up. Just apologise to them (get your husband to do so too) as you have done and move on.

Your poor kids being subjected to that. People ar trying to tell you it's OK that you did it people are human blah blah blah. You should feel awful - he might be passive aggressive, we only have your word for that but you told their dad you hated him and that's what they will take away from that little show.

You need to urgently find a better way of talking to your DH so it doesn't turn into a screaming argument with your small children trapped in the car with you. And the fact you rarely argue means this probably came out of the blue and scared your poor kids even more.

Use this as a time to change how you speak to each other and resolve conflict. Don't just brush it off with a "people get angry".