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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are you or your partner a moody sodd in the morning?

44 replies

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 03/10/2021 16:57

If so - how do you handle it?

Been with DH for 25 years and he's always been a moody a-hole in the morning. Before we had kids and since.

He snaps at us, has a face like thunder, and is generally a horrible person before 10.30.

The person after 10.30 is a different person.

We (me and the kids) have to avoid him, don't look at, don't talk to him because anything will set him off.

This morning he swanned out of bed at 10.30 happy as Larry, which already pissed me off.
We have to put up with a monster or Im up at sparrows fart with the kids alone.

Then he happily swans about to house doing general DIY while I look after the kids.

Worse still, he seemed to think he was doing me a favour! By staying out of our way, then getting odd jobs done!

Oh how I would love to laze around til 10.30 then idly wander round the house doing odd little things while stepping back, child free, and looking at said job happily.

Before anyone starts saying LTB, it isnt a LTB situation so I'm not going to even read those messages.

And the preempt a few suggestions - I'm not staying in bed til 10.30 because not only do I not want to/have any desire to, I would never leave the kids to his morning wrath.

And no, a hotel every weekend does not solve this.

If you're partner or indeed you are hellish in the morning, what helps??

I'm hellish in the evening when tired. It's much easier to deal with, I head to bed because all the kids are down for the night.

OP posts:

Snaketime · 03/10/2021 17:30

I have to have been up an hour otherwise I am terrible. I just wake up an hour before everyone else. It doesn't always work there are occasions when I havent had enough sleep and I am still a mare in the morning, but most of the time it works.

ThreeLittleDots · 03/10/2021 17:34

Ha. Well he's got you all trained well hasn't he?!

I can't imagine what would help as he's a grown ass man who is quite capable of not being horrible before 10.30am if he put his mind to it. Does he carry on this performance at work?

Shoxfordian · 03/10/2021 17:35

If you’re not going to ltb and he’s not going to change then you just have to put up with it like you have been

Mammma91 · 03/10/2021 17:39

Me! Im a bit snappy and out of sorts before my morning coffee. But my partner can be the same, especially if DC has been up throughout the night or he’s had a rubbish sleep (up for work at 4:50am so no blame if he is!).
I think your partner needs a good bloody shake if he thinks it’s normal to be in a foul mood until 10:30am! Op, he doesn’t understand how lucky he is to have someone as tolerant as you!

cricketmum84 · 03/10/2021 17:44

And no, a hotel every weekend does not solve this.

Must admit this bit made me laugh as I've just read two threads where this was the suggestion! Like really??

I'm the mardy arse on a morning unfortunately. Not to the extent of your DH but I like silence and not being talked at. Unfortunately my DH has 2 strong black coffees between 6am and 7am and REALLY wants to talk!! It drives me mad. However on an evening I become more alive and want to talk to him but his eyes are half closed and he just replies with "hmm".

Maybe make more coffee?? (Lighthearted)

Simonjt · 03/10/2021 17:44

My husband is not a morning person, his face is an absolute picture when he gets up in the morning 😂

What time is he going to sleep if he is still tired until 10:30?

Xiaoxiong · 03/10/2021 17:45

DH tried this when we first moved in together "oh I'm just grumpy until I've had breakfast" or whatever. I nipped it straight in the bud and said he never had been grumpy in the mornings before when I was just sleeping over at his, and that a grown human learns to control those kinds of petty emotions or at least fake it till you make it. I don't mean big emotions but petty stuff like being moody, grumpy in the morning or being hangry - take responsibility and go to bed earlier or eat something or whatever. But taking it out on other people is unacceptable. It's emotional incontinence.

I don't take "moods" from anyone, you shouldn't treat your own family worse than any random bod you'd meet on the street to whom you would at a minimum be pleasant and say please and thank you politely (unless you were truly distraught but I wouldn't count that as a "mood".)

TakeYourFinalPosition · 03/10/2021 17:47

I was going to say that it takes me 20 minutes to wake up, and I’m groggy and a bit irritable before that… but I don’t make life hell for the people I live with, I’m not snappy, and I don’t allow it to last until 10:30. Because I’m not an arsehole.

It might not be a LTB situation for you; but surely it’s turn for a serious chat?

FrankButchersDickieBow · 03/10/2021 17:50

Well you've absolutely enabled his pathetic behaviour.

If my husband was a twat every day until 10.30am, we'd have been divorced years ago. I just couldn't put up with that petulant behaviour.

OverTheRubicon · 03/10/2021 17:56

Have you really talked about this? Tried counselling? My parents are something like this, and it's left us all damaged. Girls ending up with poor men because we set our expectations only just above floor level, boys poor husbands themselves. My dad is still completely self-focussed, but people who don't know them well always feel sorry for him not her, because after many years of standing by her man, my mum is now bitter and angry and complains about him, and to him, all the time. I won't see them together any more. But she, like you, wouldn't leave.

We (me and the kids) have to avoid him, don't look at, don't talk to him because anything will set him off

That's abuse. He is abusive. You sound like you hate him too. Something has to change, for your kids' sake if not your own.

scoopydoopy · 03/10/2021 18:03

Is he a sulky little bastard at work at 9am or is it just his family he treats like this?

Gemma2019 · 03/10/2021 18:20

Has he always worked nights for the last 25 years then, as he would not get away with treating colleagues like shit every morning?

He does it because you all enable it and let him get away with doing whatever he likes, it's as simple as that.

I am a night owl and not great in the mornings and my DH is the opposite but neither of us would dream of acting like this.

Original poster

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 03/10/2021 19:28

@scoopydoopy

Is he a sulky little bastard at work at 9am or is it just his family he treats like this?

No idea, I expect he's a moody dick to start with though.

I love that some are saying it's abuse and some are saying it's my fault for enabling him.

OP posts:

FuckingFabulous · 03/10/2021 19:35

What's he like when the clocks go back? Is he alright at half nine? Or does he dial up the bastard for an extra hour until his internal clock catches up with GMT? And when they go forward? Do you get this fuckery until half eleven for a few weeks or does he look at a clock and say "ah. Half ten. Time for me to behave more kindly to my wife and children!"

Has he been disciplined at work for being outrageously horrible to colleagues and clients before morning break?

OverTheRubicon · 03/10/2021 19:50

I love that some are saying it's abuse and some are saying it's my fault for enabling him

Even on MN, there will always be someone who, upon hearing that a neighbouring woman got punched in the face last night, will say something like "Well that's not ok. Never blame a victim. But... my Ted is sometimes a bit sarky after a pint or two as well, I just know how to work around it - and besides, he knows I'd never stand for violence! Come to think of it, she works a lot of hours, and I've heard her arguing with him too. Wonder what she said to make him so angry?")

OverTheRubicon · 03/10/2021 19:54

It's very reassuring for people to label women with shit husbands as 'enablers' or 'bad choosers'. It means that they (a) are better than you (b) they are safe [because they are better than you] and (c) your culpability here lets them off the hook, as well.as.a wider culture that encourages toxic masculinity.

But in short terms, unless your husband's colleagues are also unable to risk talking to him until 10.30am (in which case he is unwell.and/or in need of anger management support), he is choosing to behave abusively to you and your kids.

TheNestedIf · 03/10/2021 19:56

All you can do if you don't want to LTB is not take it personally.

I am neither a morning person, nor someone who finds it easy to wake up if I've been asleep and vice versa. About 7 years into our relationship, ex-dp suddenly observed "You always look so unhappy in the morning." Up until then, he had taken me being quiet / grunting a response when he was all singing, all dancing (literally) before I had had any coffee as a personal affront.

Conversely, he became more and more of a crotchety twat as the day wore on and he got tired (I also have a colleague like this). I don't know if this is also you, but whether it is or not, you're probably better off doing the early stuff and getting him to take the strain at the other end of the day.

Thatsplentyjack · 03/10/2021 19:58

Honestly I wouldnhave told him to stop being a fucking dick and get out his pathetic little mood a long time ago.

Idontlike · 03/10/2021 20:00

I’m a grump.

My 6am alarm goes off and if DH tries to talk to me as I’m turning it off and grabbing my phone I snap at him to “stop bloody talking”. You’d think after 20+ years he’d have got the message.

I’m fine once I’ve had my coffee -I even take one up to him in bed- but I just need leaving alone first thing until my head wakes up.

10:30am is taking the piss though.

Kanaloa · 03/10/2021 20:01

Well I feel irritable in the mornings because I suffer with health issues which constantly disturb my sleep. My husband and kids don’t tiptoe around desperately trying not to ‘set me off’ though. If the kids wake up too early and I’m knackered I just have a cup of tea and lie about the couch watching Tracey Beaker/Barbie life in the dream house/Dragonball until I feel more awake.

You can’t really fix this though. Your husband is choosing to be nasty and make you and the kids uncomfortable - there’s nothing you can do to make him behave like a normal human.

Kanaloa · 03/10/2021 20:02

I should specify, I watch Tracy Beaker/Barbie/Dragonball to entertain the kids so I can chill out. I don’t just wake up and watch it to cheer myself up.

KarmaViolet · 03/10/2021 20:06

@Kanaloa

I should specify, I watch Tracy Beaker/Barbie/Dragonball to entertain the kids so I can chill out. I don’t just wake up and watch it to cheer myself up.

Might work for OP though. "Cheer the fuck up or it's another episode of Barbie in the Dreamhouse for you DH"

UnbeatenMum · 03/10/2021 20:09

I prefer to be left alone for the first half hour and so does DH, but we're both ok after we've had a cup of tea unless it's been a particularly bad night with the 2yo. 10:30 is quite late though. Could he have sleep apnoea or something else that means he's nor sleeping well? Or is he staying up late?

GTAlogic · 03/10/2021 20:10

Oh God I hate getting up on a morning. I always have. The earlier I have to get up, the worse I am. I try not to be but I am snappy and sullen. One particular morning, dh looked at me and said, "Fucking Hell, how pissed off is your face?!" My family don't tiptoe around me though and I must say it has improved slightly since going on the anti-d's.

Kanaloa · 03/10/2021 20:12

😂

It’s a good programme! It would cheer anyone up, especially if you have a ds & dd who love to watch every episode at least 10 times. Definitely moody cure-all!

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