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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to not want to visit my dh nan...

30 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 03/10/2021 14:34

She's having end of life care at the hospital. She has a large family, children and grandchildren. Lots have been taking turns to visit including dh. Dh keeps asking if I want to visit. Part of me held back because I felt it should be her immediate family plus covid risk but she's hanging in longer then expected. She's sleeping lots not sure if she can hear. If I'm honest I don't like these sort of situations. I never know what to say if she's sleeping. She was a lovely lady and is a really good age. It's not that I don't care I just don't feel I should be there and also like to remember her when she was well. I visited my grandad when he was ill but when he was really ill and started illusinating I didn't see him but knew other family were with him. To me he was already gone and selfishly I didn't want my last memories of him not knowing who I was. I just feel pressure from dh and now feel guilty. I know when my parents are dying I will have no choice and would want to be there to care for them as much as it would pain me. Am I heartless and selfish?

OP posts:

PicaK · 03/10/2021 14:41

I'd go on a hierarchy of need basis...
Will she benefit? Wants to see you?
Will your I laws benefit emotionally from you visiting?
Does it matter to your dh? Will he benefit?

I'd honestly make myself a bit uncomfortable and go for his sake. It seems important to him. People are often unreasonable in grief. Easier to do the thing and wait for the good karma payback.

SickAndTiredAgain · 03/10/2021 14:42

He wants you to go with him? Or on your own? I’d go with DH if he wanted me to, but that would be for his benefit really. I get along well with all DH’s grandparents, but I can’t imagine any would be fussed about a solo visit from me.

CoalCraft · 03/10/2021 14:45

If your DH wants you to go and the hospital are happy to allow it, I would go. Of course it's uncomfortable but your DH needs your support.

CoalCraft · 03/10/2021 14:45

*To go with him I mean. You shouldn't have to go on your own if you don't want to.

kinzarose · 03/10/2021 14:49

I'm asduming she meant a lot to your DH? In that case I'd go for him. My DGM was very beloved to me and if DH had said he didn't feel a need to visit her on her deathbed would feel really unsupportive to me.

Holskey · 03/10/2021 14:51

Your DH wants you to go, so I think for his sake I would go. He's the best judge of whether it's appropriate and probably feels your absence is noticed

Bobsyer · 03/10/2021 14:52

We have a similar situation with my DH’s nan. She is/was lovely, but she barely knows who DH is let alone me.

I will go if he wants me to but not for my sake. She won’t know me and she will want her family there, not someone she doesn’t know.

(To be clear she has known me for nearly 20 years but she had dementia. On the occasions when she recognises DH she asks after his first wife).

PinkiOcelot · 03/10/2021 14:52

I would go if it were with DH but not on my own. Unless you just popped in for 10 minutes to show your face.
Are the hospital actually allowing a lot of people going in and out?

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 03/10/2021 14:53

He's been lots of times with his sister and mum etc. Only 2 visitors allowed at a time.

OP posts:

icedcoffees · 03/10/2021 14:59

If your DH wants you to go with him then I think you should, tbh.

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 03/10/2021 15:03

I think it's more he feels I should go not to go to support him. Some of the childrens partners have been but not all if them.

OP posts:

residentkaleidoscope · 03/10/2021 15:05

I'd go to support your partner. Shouldn't really be a question really.

Umbra · 03/10/2021 15:07

If your dh is truly asking if you want to visit, and you don't want to, he should accept that.

TheQueef · 03/10/2021 15:10

I think it's the sort of thing you do to make this time as easy as possible.
Whatever the reason he wants you there if you can, and it's appropriate, you should.
You'd want him to support you if the roles were reversed.

Summerfun54321 · 03/10/2021 15:21

She has family by her side. Everyone doesn’t have to remember her in her frailest moments, I know I wouldn’t want that on my death bed.

1forAll74 · 03/10/2021 15:23

I would not visit, if you feel uncomfortable about things, it's a personal view point. despite many others, who feel the need to visit. I would not even visit, if I had a Husband, who told me I needed to visit his dying Mother with him, if I personally didn't wish to experience this. There are no rules in position here.

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 03/10/2021 15:27

If it was dh parents then I would go to support him and I feel I would be more needed there and had a place. But she has alot of children who are there constantly. Dh has been up several times and most of that is sat in the cafe with other family members due to the restricted 2 visitors. she is not always sat with her.

OP posts:

Sapphire387 · 03/10/2021 15:31

I think you should go. He 'keeps asking' - that means it is important to him. Once she dies, you won't be able to go back and change your decision.

Rosebel · 03/10/2021 15:32

No I wouldn't. I did it for my grandad and wished I hadn't. I also went to see my FIL and my DHs grandad. When his nan was also near the end I just couldn't find it in myself to go and see her.
I explained to DH and he understood. He didn't really want to go and see her either as she wasn't really there anymore.
Have you told your DH how you feel and that you'd rather remember her how she was? Or have you just made excuses?
Surely he'd understand if you said why you don't want to go.

Weepingwillows12 · 03/10/2021 15:40

I think it depends how close you are. When my grandparent was dying my DH didn't visit once and I have never forgiven him really. I thought they were pretty close but actually I mainly wanted support for me. I spent days and nights sitting with my mum trying to look after her and my grandparent. It was a horrible time. Logically it made sense for him to look after the kids but I think it's that time that made me realise how little I benefit from the marriage. I do most housework, earn the money, sort everything and this made me realise I don't even get emotional support.

I am not saying that's your situation but why does he want you to visit. She must matter to him.

Original poster

Meltinthemiddle · 03/10/2021 16:00

I think initially I just thought let her children and grandchildren see her and obviously I work in a school so was worried about covid. I think dh thinks I may want to see her to say good bye out of respect but I feel she isn't there anymore and she is already surrounded by the important people who love her and who should be with her in her final days. I'm happy to support dh or help out and if it's to give someone a break etc but there's more then enough there to see her. It just doesn't feel my place to be there when she sleeping. Let her have her privacy and allow me to remember her as the lovely lady she was. If dh wanted support then that would be different. His first visit he asked if I wanted to go and I was at work so told him to go and not wait as thought she would pass that night.

OP posts:

WoodchipNightmares · 03/10/2021 16:05

I would go to support your DH, rather than for your benefit or his Nan's.

DP came to my Nan's funeral - not because he was mourning her himself (they'd met only a handful of times, due to distance and COVID rules) but to support me. I really appreciated that.

chesterelly · 03/10/2021 16:19

I'd check with his mum & sisters that they'd be ok with you taking a "slot" from them. It needn't be long. 5 minutes to say "don't worry John, I'm making sure "DH, mil, sils" are getting looked after." Maybe your DH needs you to see the situation and the effect it has on him because he needs to know you understand but can't find the words to explain it.

chesterelly · 03/10/2021 16:21

Sorry I was thinking of a similar position I was in when it was a male relative but it doesn't change my advice.

herculesoffline · 03/10/2021 16:24

If he wants you to go, go. He might not say its for you to support him but that's exactly what it is.

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