Am I unreasonable to not want to visit my dh nan...

[Meltinthemiddle]

She's having end of life care at the hospital. She has a large family, children and grandchildren. Lots have been taking turns to visit including dh. Dh keeps asking if I want to visit. Part of me held back because I felt it should be her immediate family plus covid risk but she's hanging in longer then expected. She's sleeping lots not sure if she can hear. If I'm honest I don't like these sort of situations. I never know what to say if she's sleeping. She was a lovely lady and is a really good age. It's not that I don't care I just don't feel I should be there and also like to remember her when she was well. I visited my grandad when he was ill but when he was really ill and started illusinating I didn't see him but knew other family were with him. To me he was already gone and selfishly I didn't want my last memories of him not knowing who I was. I just feel pressure from dh and now feel guilty. I know when my parents are dying I will have no choice and would want to be there to care for them as much as it would pain me. Am I heartless and selfish?

Will you want your dh to go with you to visit your dying parent?

My DH came with me when I went to say my last goodbye to DF. DF wasn't a death bed sort of person, didn't want a fuss at his funeral etc. I needed DH to come with me because I was in a state. DF was unconscious and there is always a part of me that thinks he would not have liked DH to see him so frail , as he was a proud man

I agree with your reasoning for not going OP and would feel the same in your shoes but I know it would matter to my DH that I went (it would be about showing respect in his case) so I would go. I sort of have a blanket rule (within reason!) that he calls the shots when it's anything to do with his family and vice versa and we both support the other in however they want to handle things with their own family. That seems fair to me and I wouldn't mind doing something I found a bit uncomfortable for his sake.

I suspect he does want the support he's just not articulating it in those terms.

I think this is one of those times that you have to put your discomfort to one side to support your partner.

Go if you want to, or not if you don’t. But don’t use covid as an excuse! I can’t imagine that there is anyone who it matters less to than someone on end of life care.