When you see a child being treated horribly

[Bortles]

What are you actually meant to do that's effective? In a public space, you dont know them or their names. What is the actual official advice in this situation? Who would you report it to and how?
I seem to be a magnet for this at the moment. One incident in a supermarket, horrible huge man being over the top scary shouty to his small children both under 5. It was all the way round the shop and quite terrifying.
Today, girl (I thought was a teen mum) hitting her little brother about 7 with a metal trike. I called her out and she went mad and started screaming at me, came back with her family, luckily I was driving away at that point. But honestly, what are you supposed to do? I dont mean that in a shrugging shoulders way, I mean is there a phone number or a proper way to go about reporting this stuff when you dont really have enough detail?

I recently saw a woman lashing the legs of her little boy as he was excited to choose an ice cream. Then she got hold of his ear and twisted it, whilst shouting at him.

It has haunted me. He wasn't behaving badly. I wish I'd said something.

I once witnessed a man being horrible to his little boy. He harangued that little lad forever which was bad enough until I saw him raise his foot and kick the child in his bum. It was shocking. I went directly to the pharmacist and told him what happened. The man and child had already left the store by the time he went to check. This was in the 80’s before cameras were everywhere. I have thought about that little boy for decades 😔

I have ignored situations in the past and felt shit about it. Who else is going to stand up for kids?

Recently tho I was in a shop and the mum was really screaming at her young kid. I left it for ages and then realised it was just going on and on. I decided to chat to her something like ‘oh I remember that age not easy is it. Mine are older etc etc’ m She seemed to calm down and we chatted a bit. I didn’t want that kid to think no one saw him. Not sure if manage that with a huge man though

@BakingOfTheFoodCats

That 🙄 face has made me so upset and angry. Yes people shout at their children but shouting repeatedly for no good reason is different. Adults can be nasty bullies to their children and the thought you’d 🙄 do that because someone is concerned for their child sickens me. It’s people like you who don’t care about other people but share the awful child abuse stories on Facebook with a ‘isn’t this awful’ status so everyone knows how nice you are

Be angry all you want, I don’t care, some parents shout, yes you may not like it but it’s not illegal and ss wouldn’t care, my kids say their teachers shout sometimes 🤷‍♀️ You are literally seeing a snap shot and have no idea if it was a one off so keep your nose out 🙄🙄🙄

Well let’s hope your own children are never in trouble but someone walking past has your attitude so thinks it’s not their business. Oh well you’re ok so who cares if someone’s shouting at a child?!

I’ve shouted at my kids before 🤷‍♀️ I don’t claim to be a perfect parent that’s never raised their voice and if someone said they haven’t, guess what I don’t believe them!

I don't confront. Because I know damn well that the kid will get it a hundredfold once their front door is shut if a stranger so much as looks at the adult funny, never mind makes a comment or criticises.

From my point of view as a kid, her saying something in anger or grabbing my arm and digging her fingers in whilst out in public was far preferable to the total silence that would drag out until some hours later indoors when I'd finally begun to relax, as that was when I'd get a punch to the side or back of the head.

But that's the thing. It's the quiet ones that are the most dangerous. Like a dog that goes quiet and still, that's when you're most in danger, not when they're yapping or barking at you.

How is it that all of these incidents involve a man or woman built like a brick shithouse who talks like someone on EastEnders with all the 'yes' and 'fuckin'? Very odd.

The thing is, if you see abusive behaviour in public it will be so much worse at home behind closed doors.
Trust your gut and take the info you can , report to police if you suspect abuse.

If you do confront maybe the adult will realise that they are seen? That it isn’t ok? If we all let it happen then we give permission don’t we.

If you see abuse you must report it. Safeguarding is everyone's business. In an emergency call 999. If you know the child or parent or where they live or some other identifying information then you can call your local council safeguarding line....just Google the number. It may be listed as a Mash team (multi agency safeguarding hub). Any decent parent who was just shouting at a kid who nearly ran in the road or similar has nothing to fear from a call from SS following up...in fact most decent people would (maybe not at the time but after) be greatful that others are looking out for kids. Don't hesitate to report - you might save a child. -- and no I'm not a busy body who is always calling SS....but....if I had to I would.

@Newgirls

If you do confront maybe the adult will realise that they are seen? That it isn’t ok? If we all let it happen then we give permission don’t we.

Or you make things ten times worse for the child. Report to the necessary authorities but confronting the adult could escalate things for the victim

@Newgirls

If you do confront maybe the adult will realise that they are seen? That it isn’t ok? If we all let it happen then we give permission don’t we.

There’s a balance to be found.

If you can intervene in a meaningful way - reporting or getting help then yes.

If all you can do is intervene in a way that will wind up the parent and make the child suffer more at home then no, stay out of it.

How is it that all of these incidents involve a man or woman built like a brick shithouse who talks like someone on EastEnders with all the 'yes' and 'fuckin'? Very odd.

It's not really odd though is it? The swearing anyway. The type of person who is brazen enough to do this in public is usually rough as fuck 🤷‍♀️

With the supermarket incident, I’d probably have spoken to shop security, or the manager. A big man coming and speaking to him might do more good.

With the girl hitting her brother I’d have spoken directly to her.

I did one intervene and had the child who was being hit turn round and have a go at me - pre schooler too! Doesn’t mean I won’t intervene though.

Also once followed a man who j thought was a grandfather into his place of work after I’d seen him hitting his grandchild (mother had been present during the hitting and then he went off into an estate agent’s where he worked)

Of course I’ve shouted before but not in a sustained way all the way around a supermarket!

It’s also a fact that men have to accept that their shouting is generally scarier than women’s without them trying to be - and take steps to sort it out. Not saying women can’t be abusive to children - far from it - and not saying that abuse can’t be quiet but the shouting of a 6’5” man is going to be scary without him really even having to try.

@Ledition

How is it that all of these incidents involve a man or woman built like a brick shithouse who talks like someone on EastEnders with all the 'yes' and 'fuckin'? Very odd.

It's not really odd though is it? The swearing anyway. The type of person who is brazen enough to do this in public is usually rough as fuck 🤷‍♀️

Middle class people with 'naice' accents can be abusive cunts in public too. Some of them can even be average size.

I think most of us have at some point shouted at our children in public - but there is usually an obvious difference between the “I have just momentarily lost it” kind of outburst by an exasperated parent - and the more cruel menacing behaviours described in some of these posts.

@LukeEvansWife

How is it that all of these incidents involve a man or woman built like a brick shithouse who talks like someone on EastEnders with all the 'yes' and 'fuckin'? Very odd.

Of course there are some middle class parents who are cruel to their children. But the reality is that the majority of neglect and emotional/physical abuse of children is associated with parents who come from quite deprived and difficult backgrounds - because they don’t really know what being a loving parent involves and in some cases may not have formed a bond with their child because of their own experiences of childhood.

I’ve been thinking about this recently, because there’s a family who swim at my gym and I just want to take the mum to one side and ask her if she’s ok, and how she thinks what she says to her children might affect them.

Basically she’s always on a short fuse from the second they arrive and then gets nasty- last week her son (probably aged about 3) was upset because they forgot his armbands. It wasn’t extreme behaviour from him, just a bit of a toddler strop, nowhere near a tantrum- and completely understandable that a small child would be worried about getting in a pool without a swimming aid if they’re used to having one. Immediately she was in his face calling him an “embarrassment”- “you’re such an EMBARRASSMENT to take out!!” and berating him.

Made me really sad- and it’s not an isolated incident, it’s the same kind of thing every week. Clearly nowhere near the level of what SS want to hear about, but still something that will probably affect her children if she doesn’t sort herself out.

This is tricky and anyone intervening needs to be conscious of their own safety. Had an incident a few months ago where I was in the gym, which has windows looking out at the walkway to the entrance. A couple with a small baby entered my view. The man, presumably dad was screaming at mum. I thought this was quite poor, but then he started leaning in towards mum (carrying a baby and putting his head in her face, and screaming. His hands started to rise. At this point I went out. I calmly asked him to stop, and told him that was not acceptable. A chain of expletives followed and I was told it was none of my business. I stood my ground. I noted that his behaviour was unacceptable, I also noted that there were many witnesses and CCTV. At this point he walked off. I gave the woman my number and told her if she ever needed help to call. She called a day or two later to say she had left, was at mom and dads and that she was safe. It was scary, and I would assess my own safety, but I ma glad I did this.

@Brainwave89

This is tricky and anyone intervening needs to be conscious of their own safety. Had an incident a few months ago where I was in the gym, which has windows looking out at the walkway to the entrance. A couple with a small baby entered my view. The man, presumably dad was screaming at mum. I thought this was quite poor, but then he started leaning in towards mum (carrying a baby and putting his head in her face, and screaming. His hands started to rise. At this point I went out. I calmly asked him to stop, and told him that was not acceptable. A chain of expletives followed and I was told it was none of my business. I stood my ground. I noted that his behaviour was unacceptable, I also noted that there were many witnesses and CCTV. At this point he walked off. I gave the woman my number and told her if she ever needed help to call. She called a day or two later to say she had left, was at mom and dads and that she was safe. It was scary, and I would assess my own safety, but I ma glad I did this.

I bet everyone clapped.

Seriously though, it is quite possible you made the situation worse. He may have kicked the shit out of her before she managed to escape.

@PatchworkElmer

I’ve been thinking about this recently, because there’s a family who swim at my gym and I just want to take the mum to one side and ask her if she’s ok, and how she thinks what she says to her children might affect them.

Basically she’s always on a short fuse from the second they arrive and then gets nasty- last week her son (probably aged about 3) was upset because they forgot his armbands. It wasn’t extreme behaviour from him, just a bit of a toddler strop, nowhere near a tantrum- and completely understandable that a small child would be worried about getting in a pool without a swimming aid if they’re used to having one. Immediately she was in his face calling him an “embarrassment”- “you’re such an EMBARRASSMENT to take out!!” and berating him.

Made me really sad- and it’s not an isolated incident, it’s the same kind of thing every week. Clearly nowhere near the level of what SS want to hear about, but still something that will probably affect her children if she doesn’t sort herself out.

I've only witnessed what I would term proper abuse twice, once in another country where I think it was considered quite acceptable, but I see this sort of thing all the time. I feel it's become quite normalised in our society, partly because of all the race to the bottom 'bad Mums' on social media.

I was at a toddler group the other day with my youngest and there was a group of Mums talking very loudly, in front of their children, about how shit maternity leave is and how being with those little shits all day is mind numbingly boring and so on. I know it's nothing on the scale of other things on this post but it really upset me. I think people forget just how much their children adore them and how the way we speak to and about our kids really sets the tone for the ways they feel about themselves.

Maybe if you see the Mum a lot you could try getting friendly with her and then take the 'are you ok' approach... a poster mentioned upthread going for the 'gosh it can be hard at this age' type thing which can open up a conversation.

I work in a supermarket and there are so many examples of awful parenting I would do nothing but be on the phoneto thd police. The store manager wouldn't give a shit.

One example was two kids sitting in a trolley with what looked like dad and grandad. The kids were bickering a bit the way kids do and the dad and grandad were threatening to tan their arses for them when they got home, calling the kids names, just being generally vile. Another was a woman SCREAMING at her poor son for dropping something on the floor, properly roaring at hime. Never heard anything like it.

Lots of general shouting, telling kids off, threatening to hit them, nasty tones of voice. It all makes me cringe when I hear it but really as a shop worker what am i supposed to do? If a customer complains enough I could get in real trouble or lose my job

All these posters saying report it. To who? How?

And turning a blind eye in case it makes it worse. What if ignoring makes it worse? The adult thinks it’s ok to carry on?