To think I'm the only person feeling this bad?

[whentheearthchanged]

I'm 29 and a single mum and my depression is so bad it's taking my breath away, like it physically hurts. I am on the lowest dose of fluoxetine and up until a few weeks ago I was feeling pretty great. I don't know what's happened but it's like a switch has been flipped. I went from looking forward to my 30th and graduating next year to being numb when I think of all that and not thinking it's very important.

I'm eating shit constantly, I barely leave the house unless I absolutely have to. I can just about put on a brave face in front of close family and friends but inside I just don't want to speak to them. I feel no hope or joy for the future. I have this pit in my stomach at all times. The best way I can describe it is feeling homesick even though I am at home.

My poor daughter, she is 8 and I just have no patience for her this week. Tonight we started playing a card game together and it seriously pained me to fake a smile or laugh. I just want to sleep. The only time I'm happy is when I'm drinking alcohol which I only do when daughter is at her dads every second weekend.

When I am talking to people my mind is elsewhere, I probably come across as pretty normal to the outside world but something feels very wrong inside of me recently. I'm just going through the motions. I have no motivation for uni and any spare minute I lay down as I don't have the energy to do anything else.

AIBU to think I am the only person feeling this bad? AIBU to think this won't pass this time? It feels really painful.

Sorry things are so tough at the moment.
Please speak to the GP again, it sounds as if a dose increase would be beneficial. I know you only drink when DD isn’t there but alcohol reduces the efficacy of AD, as well as being a depressant.
It will pass, things will get better. Hang on in there and speak to the GP ASAP. if reception says there are no appointments left please say it’s a mental health issue and ask if you can go on the duty Doctors list for a call back.
I hope things improve for you soon

Of course it won’t just be you, I’m a single mum to 4, their father not involved at all, I never get a break, I feel like my life is over. So to answer you question no it isn’t just you

@Whentheydontmeanwhattheysay thank you

You will get better. Agree that you need to speak to GP again - but in the meantime there are things that you can do to help yourself.

Try and get outside for a walk whenever possible. We need daylight. Try to eat healthier; you will genuinely feel better if you're not loading your body with shit. Watch some comedy clips on Youtube. Try some mindfulness. Mark Williams 3 minute breathing space helps calm you down.

When I've been really struggling I found Qi Gong incredibly helpful. 10 or 15 minutes a day is doable, I find. I've linked you a 15 min video below that I do every morning when I get up. I honestly feel it's helped me a lot and has improved my energy levels. Often just doing something positive for yourself will help lift your mood. I've had chronic fatigue for a long time and this has helped my emotional mood and my energy levels.

Good luck, OP. You sound pretty awesome to be raising your DD alone and doing a degree. It's been a long, tough time lately but you'll get better.

@MadMadMadamMim thank you so much! Will give these a try and get out for a walk tomorrow.

Bless you, this sounds like the illness talking, please seek help from your doctor and believe things will get better. You sound like a great mum, be gentle to yourself.

Is it possible that you might also be suffering with SAD - seasonal affective disorder?

Worth considering given the change has happened quite suddenly in the last few weeks, with the nights drawing in, darker mornings and generally dull and grey days.

I'm a sufferer and my wake up light is an absolute god send. Mines used to be horrific and debilitating.

@Chipsinthewoods

Bless you, this sounds like the illness talking, please seek help from your doctor and believe things will get better. You sound like a great mum, be gentle to yourself.

Thank you for the kind words

@greenalltheway

Is it possible that you might also be suffering with SAD - seasonal affective disorder?

Worth considering given the change has happened quite suddenly in the last few weeks, with the nights drawing in, darker mornings and generally dull and grey days.

I'm a sufferer and my wake up light is an absolute god send. Mines used to be horrific and debilitating.

Definitely could be SAD yes. Hadn't considered that. Will look into that and see if the lamps aren't too expensive. Thank you!

Come back tomorrow and let us know how you're doing. This would be a good thread to keep going and we can be your Cheerleaders!

Don't listen to your Shitty Committee (inner voices dragging you down). I've got daughters your age, and I've had depression in the past. It's a bugger - but there are things that can help you cope.

Also - try a high dose of Vitamin D. It can make a massive difference to your mood if SAD affects you. I've found it helpful.

@MadMadMadamMim

Come back tomorrow and let us know how you're doing. This would be a good thread to keep going and we can be your Cheerleaders!

Don't listen to your Shitty Committee (inner voices dragging you down). I've got daughters your age, and I've had depression in the past. It's a bugger - but there are things that can help you cope.

Thank you, that's a good idea! I will check in!

Are you the same poster with the drink problem (thought you’d solved it)?

I don’t mean to link threads, I just think it might be relevant if your drinking has increased significantly? I know when I drink on my AD the impact they have significantly reduces. I also understand that drinking makes a hard time feel better for a little while.

Absolutely no judgement just support if you need it.

@greenalltheway

Which light do you have?

@whentheearthchanged

You're not alone. There are always threads similar to yours💐. Is there anything your DD likes to do outdoors? It's good to get outside & telling the kids you'll do whatever activity it is often makes you get outside when you really can't be bothered.

But even standing at the door breathing in some fresh sir can really help!

Oh & alcohol is a depressant, best avoided - even when DD is at her Dads! Try to think of a different 'treat' to look forward to!!

Also 8 is a great age! Can you knit? Would she like you to teach her?

Cards is definitely fun! If you're looking for a Christmas presents fir her Rummikub is a great game.

Take care x

Ask about the fluoxitine dose and yes take lots of vitamin d. I'm an average sized woman with chronic mild/moderate depression, and my therapeutic dose is 40mg. 10 or 20 just wouldn't be enough. Sending love. I recognise the state that you're describing and it's awful. Please keep hold of hope, because there will be better times, I promise. There are other medications that might have more of an effect for you, too. Try asking the gp to up the dose, and if that doesn't work try a different medication or ask for a medication consultation with a psychiatrist. Hang in there! You'll get better, seriously. Treatments for depression are great these days xx

It feels like you are the only one but you aren't. Your DD will be fine.

Might sound trite but have you tried those meditation recordings on YouTube? It doesn't have to be at night but just a few minutes in the day to decompress

@FWBNC

I used a basic lumie bodyclock for over 10 years before it finally packed in and I upgraded to this:

Philips Wake-up Light with Coloured Sunrise Simulation and 7 Natural Sounds https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B074W91YPG/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttfabc0DHY7AACGDR5ST1Y2G4B

Literally couldn't be without it. I also sleep with my curtains open year round :)

Thank you for all your comments. Honestly appreciate every one of them! 🙏🏿

That sounds really hard. The only thing I can think of that may help is thinking of how your DD won't be young for many more years. When she is a teenager you will have so much more freedom to do all sorts of things. This current situation won't last forever. You should get help and improve things now but it will be easier on the future anyway.

Back to GP my dear
You need a sympathetic ear and most likely a higher dose
And maybe more support from the existing infrastructure

I don’t know what to say other than this mental health can be managed , can be overcome
But it’s hard work also
I’m a single mum and by 330 today I was literally on the floor
And swore at both 🙈

Get your dose sorted and please get a GP

The fact you are posting encourages me as it shows you can see you are in a pickle

I do like a drink but when I’m starting to feel down I try not to drink as it can quickly get into a cycle of doing it regularly.

The best thing you can do is have early nights to make sure you are getting enough sleep. Try not to drink anything or only have one glass, whilst you’re reading a book in bed.
Another thing you could do is go for a walk with your daughter after work to get some fresh air and exercise.
You could make an appointment with your gp to see if you can get a higher dosage too.

I know it sounds like small things but when I feel the small things is what helps me control my depression as they’re things I can control.
Things will get better OP I promise. And it’s lovely to read that you are playing games either your daughter still - even if you’re struggling. It just shows what a fantastic mum you are.

I completely understand how you are feeling. I'm 31 and feel all of those things most of the time too.

I also have an 8 year old and I'm putting on a brave face for him and pretending I'm interested in his games like you are.

I've done two things in the last few months which are helping me. The first is I got my comfort eating under control by starting calorie counting with the help of a PT. I still have one takeaway treat a week which I really look forward to and need but have lost a stone and a half since july and notice in photos from today that even my skin looks much healthier than it did 2 months ago.

The second thing is that I started taking night rescue remedy before bed and im sleeping much better now and not waking up anxious during the night.

“ The best way I can describe it is feeling homesick even though I am at home”

Oh this sentence hit home. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I felt like this for a long time and I honestly thought I would never be happy again. Even with my children, I had to force a smile, nothing got through. It was like my mind just shut down and all I was interested in was sleeping, eating shit food or chain smoking.

Things that helped me;
Medication- pretty high dose.
Regular therapy though appreciate this can be expensive.
Reading self help books/watching motivating TED talks.
Yoga/Meditation
I also stopped drinking for 6 months as I was using it to self medicate. Whilst I preferred the way I felt when under the influence, my depression was a million times worse once I sobered up.

It is possible to feel joy/happiness again but you need to try not to focus on it. Be gentle with yourself & keep posting

if you are not eating well - you will have lower folate and b12 levels (both of which make you feel rubbish).. this time of year your vit d will be low too

I'd try to get tests for those 3 - and then treatment if needed...

How has today been, OP?