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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? To have felt a bit disrespected

75 replies

Smiths84 · 02/10/2021 19:07

DH and PIL took our 6mo DC out for a few hours the other morning. DC is EBF and I can tolerate 4 hours max before my boobs start to become engorged and sore. All 3 are aware of this as I mentioned it a few days prior when PIL had looked after DC while we had a few hours out. I text DH about 4 hours after they’d left asking if they were heading back soon and reminding him I’d made plans to see a friend with DC later that afternoon. He said yes heading back shortly it’s just busy with traffic. He didn’t return for another hour and a half so 5.5 hours after I’d last fed DC. (We did pack some bottles of ready made formula just in case but this back up in case DC gets hungry and won’t settle) By this point I had begun to sterilise a bottle to express into and had apologised to my friend that I’d be much later than I’d said. When I asked DH where he had been and why he had been so long he told me he hadn’t realised the time. They’d all gone back to my PIL for a cup of tea, to play with DC and try on some new outfits. I’ve told my DH that I was not happy that he had done this and the reasons why (he has apologised) but I’m also pretty unhappy with PIL too. I felt quite disrespected actually. AIBU and should I mention how it made me feel to PIL too?

OP posts:

Lou98 · 02/10/2021 21:38

To be honest I don't really think there's a right or wrong.

I don't think they've disrespected you though, it sounds like they were just enjoying their time together and got a bit carried away losing track of time.
Honestly, I personally wouldn't have made plans for the afternoon when your DP was out with the baby in the morning, I would probably have made plans with the friend for a different day.

I think both of you could have done things differently, you could have expressed so you didn't get too sore (you've put in your OP that you were about to do this so assuming it was possible) but also your DP could have came home sooner or let you know he was going to be late - I don't think either of you should be annoyed at the other really, sounds like it's just one of those things and no point dwelling on it

QuiltedHippo · 02/10/2021 21:40

Some posters on here have absolutely no idea about breastfeeding do they totally normal and expected to be feeding very frequently and will barely have started solids at 6 months. Babies shouldn't be put on schedules or left hungry to allow other family members access to them.

I'd have been upset OP but mine won't take a bottle so it just wouldn't have been possible, annoying to have your plans interrupted too

StarTastic · 02/10/2021 21:42

If you had an arrangement then he should have stuck to it. Regardless of what it was or the reasons for it. Yes it's disrespectful and could affect you trusting his word in the future.

Learnthroughplay3 · 02/10/2021 21:44

I have a 6 month old and I haven't been apart from her for even an hour if my husband took her that long without me I'd be worried incase she wanted breastfeeding and wouldn't settle so there is no way he would say he was coming home then be late, I'd feel like my wishes were not met with my own baby

DuggeeHugPlease · 02/10/2021 21:48

Also regardless of the feeding issue (which is totally valid) i would still struggle to be apart from my 6 month old for that long.
Appreciate everyone is different and some mums back at work etc but I've not left my nearly 6 month old alone with anyone at all for more than a 30 minute shower/bath. If I agreed a return time I'd feel unhappy with it being so much longer.

LaikO · 02/10/2021 21:53

YANBU, but I mainly wanted to say don't listen to the posters acting all shocked that your baby feeds every 4 hours. My youngest is just a little older than yours and I'm lucky if he goes 4 hours, I'm not sure he ever has... maybe once or twice. My eldest was the same at that age, it's normal.

Lightswitch123 · 02/10/2021 21:55

@WimpoleHat

Fair enough to be cross with DH; your PIL can be forgiven for not being “with the schedule”, I think.

This

Topseyt · 02/10/2021 22:06

Doesn't really sound like an issue to me, but then I didn't breastfeed, so didn't become engorged like that.

Timetoretiretospain · 02/10/2021 22:31

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I think PP are being harsh.

At 6 months the vast majority of a babys nutrition is breastmilk. All these people saying 'as if a 6 month old needs fed every 4 hours', well they do, their weaning journey has only just begun, they arent going to eat or drink enough at a meal to go without feeds, and a lot of breastfed babies don't take a lot of bottled milk. Not many adults with much bigger stomachs go without eating or drinking. I think we were still on 4 or 5 feeds a day at that age. And it's not unusual or doing anything wrong. Also at that age, babies are so efficient at feeding and it's not unusual to not be able to pump enough to really help relieve full breasts, pumping is just not the same mechanism.

Its rude of your husband to leave you in pain for 1.5 hours more than you asked him to be, and its rude of him to say he is on his way then turn up 90 minutes later because he 'lost track of time' having a cup of tea. And I'd be pissed off.

I wouldn't say anything to his parents though. If one parent is ok with arrangements, most people wouldn't think of questioning this or asking to check if it was actually ok with the other parent

Totally agree. I EBF for 6 months and then morning and night feeds until 21 months . I was never able to express . Some people just can’t.

Whoopy1 · 02/10/2021 22:39

I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable, I bf all my children for over a year. Pp’s saying you don’t need to bf babies every 4 hours at 6 months haven’t got a clue. Every baby is different (I had 4 and they all had different needs), yes some might go longer than 4 hours, but many only go 2-3 hours. My eldest dd wouldn’t take a bottle at all and, depending on time of day, bf every 2 - 6 hours.

I would have been very annoyed with my dh if he had disappeared with any of mine for 5 and a half hours.

Heartofglass12345 · 02/10/2021 23:04

I don't get it, I bottle fed mine and they were feeding around every 3 hours at 6 months is that not normal? It's been a while mind. He should have known better really though.
Have you tried hand expressing? (Sorry if that's what you meant when you said you'd tried) I'm only asking as when mine were born prematurely I expressed for them and got more from hand/ manual expressing than from an electric pump, the only problem was it made my skin sore and a bit broken, but that was from doing it all the time.

HoppingPavlova · 03/10/2021 00:28

I’m definitely not anti-breastfeeding, have breast fed all of mine except one who couldn’t naturally feed and I expressed for them from birth. At 6mo all of mine had started on solids and while it was not their main source of nutrition by any stretch a few spoons of baby custard or baby rice meal would have tided them over should they have been out with dad and late home or indeed if I was later getting home from somewhere than planned. I would never have thought either of us would have dropped dead for the sake of 1.5hrs. I’m also assuming the baby in the OP was not unhappy with the situation. I can’t imagine the dad and his family would have been thrilled with a baby roaring it’s head off with hunger and would have headed home earlier, so it would seem the baby was quite happy with its lot until it got home?

HoppingPavlova · 03/10/2021 00:33

I would have been very annoyed with my dh if he had disappeared with any of mine for 5 and a half hours.

You would not have trusted your DH to bring them back at that age if they were hungry and it couldn’t be sorted? My DH certainly had/has his deficiencies in life but thankfully that wasn’t one. I would have thought if they were not home all was well and taken the opportunity to have a bath/do something age appropriate with the older kids etc.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/10/2021 06:44

a few spoons of baby custard or baby rice meal

It obviously has been a while Hopping as this is not what 6mo babies eat when first weaning, for quite some time now!

It's not the point tho.

OP had an arrangement with her DH. OP's baby is just 6 months and not yet weaned. Any longer than 4 hours isn't usual for her baby to go without milk so OP herself was really physically uncomfortable. In addition she had an arrangement with a friend she had to change completely due to this happening.

All of this makes her DH totally UR.

CallMeRisley · 03/10/2021 07:22

@EmeraldShamrock

but my EBF 6.5mo feeds approx every 2-3 hours. Is baby eating solid or still EBF? If baby is weaning on solids it is too much.

Yes eating solids. Literally not true at all that it’s too much. Breast milk provides a lot of nutrition at this stage regardless of what solids are being eaten, not to mention that breastfeeding isn’t just about nutrition but also bonding, soothing, reassurance and cuddles.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/10/2021 07:25

Spot on @CallMeRisley

And a b/f baby can't be fed 'too much'.

Dozer · 03/10/2021 07:26

YANBU to be v pissed off with DH: his behaviour was inconsiderate and he lied.

Wouldn’t say anything to PIL as DH was there so was responsible.

Dozer · 03/10/2021 07:27

Your H may usually be ‘lovely’ but his behaviour this time was not!

KatieKat88 · 03/10/2021 07:35

I'd be annoyed with DH, have a conversation and then let it go unless similar happened again. I'd like to think my MIL would be more mindful of my needs but it was your DH's place to think of you really so I wouldn't mention anything to your PIL. Your feeding schedule seems perfectly normal, you had plans and weren't being difficult at all! Also irritating that some PP don't think it matters as long as baby was OK, your discomfort shouldn't be ignored. The breastfeeding relationship is two ways, not solely about the baby.

Fashionesta · 03/10/2021 07:37

Not all babies wean at dot on 6 months. My EBF baby did not show a huge interest in solids until 7-8 months and I was still feeding on demand at that age.

The issue here is not the BF. It's that the DH promised something he didn't follow through on.

Insertfunnyname · 03/10/2021 07:37

This is all on your dh and in no way your in laws problem.

pelosi · 03/10/2021 07:43

YANBU, OP, especially as you can’t express.

They should have returned an EBF baby back to its mother when they said they were going to.

Suitcaseseverywhere · 03/10/2021 07:51

The DH should have.

The in laws didn’t do anything wrong. The baby’s other parent was there. This is on him.

MissChanandlerBong81 · 03/10/2021 07:55

YANBU at all, although your husband is mostly at fault. I was very prone to blocked ducts and mastitis, I don’t know if you are but it could have made you really ill.

And I don’t think feeding every four hours is remotely unusual for an exclusively breastfed baby that’s only just started weaning. Maybe it was unusual back in the days when advice was different and people weaned onto baby rice or whatever at 4 months.

vajingleberry · 03/10/2021 09:07

@Topseyt

Doesn't really sound like an issue to me, but then I didn't breastfeed, so didn't become engorged like that.

So do you think it might have been an issue if you had been in a position where your breasts were painfully engorged?

Which is exactly what happened here and what you are replying to.

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