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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting.

46 replies

Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 13:05

I recently had a baby 6 months ago. Since then my partner has never said he loves me and he never kisses me. We have had sex twice since my baby has been born. Although even when we have sex it's always on his terms and he never kisses me during it. I've performed oral sex on him since the baby has been born yet he never does it to me. I ask and he says oh god no. Am I over thinking things. I see all these couples who are in love more since becoming parents yet my other half won't touch me, hug me or even kiss me.

OP posts:
seaandsandcastles · 02/10/2021 13:09

Have you asked him why? Is he just tired? The first year after a baby is born is testing for the strongest of relationships with uncertainty, anxiety and sleep deprivation.

RubyJam · 02/10/2021 13:10

I don’t think you are over thinking things

I would be more upset about not being told that he loves me , because sometimes the sex bit takes time to get back to normal but the affection / hugs / I love you bit should still be there.

Was he like this before you had the baby ? Or has it just completely changed since the baby was born ?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/10/2021 13:11

Have you talked to him about it? How was the birth? Was he down the business end and can’t get that out of his mind now? Communication is key to improving things.

TidyDancer · 02/10/2021 13:12

Have you spoken to him about how this makes you feel? Is he able to tell you what the issue is?

Original poster
Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 13:23

He always used to say he loves me. We would always cuddle me. Even when the baby is asleep he won't cuddle me. Most nights we have our backs to each other. The birth was fine he wasn't up the bottom end. Even during the birth he really wasn't that supported just like oh get on with it your only having a baby. I haven't asked him why he doesn't say he loves me. I do go in for a kiss and he instantly says oh god no. He's not really tired as he still finds time to plays his, online games. He will finish work at 6pm then have a bath then spend all night playing games online

OP posts:
BlueSuffragette · 02/10/2021 14:00

Oh OP that's so sad. He sounds like he's distancing himself from you emotionally and having physical contact in a selfish way to only meet his needs. Sounds like he has checked out of the relationship. Would be consider counselling? If not then I'd think about how you can provide a happy home for you and your baby without him. Start to get your ducks in a row. Have you got family in RL who could help you? Best wishes to you xxx

Notimeforaname · 02/10/2021 14:21

When he says 'oh god no' to a kiss or oral sex, do you not ask why ??

Original poster
Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 14:24

I wouldn't consider counselling. I just don't understand why he wouldn't want to make me feel special. Surely a man wants to pleasure his partner. He always used to like doing it but I know I've given birth but surely he still wants to go down there. I do have loads of family around me. A few nights ago he suggested that I pleasure him but I said no. Why should he get what he wants when he never makes me feel good about myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 14:25

I don't ask him why I doesn't want to do. I feel embarrassed. Asking him why he doesn't want too

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 02/10/2021 14:33

Well if you're too embarrassed to talk to your partner about relationship issues,your relationship will absolutely never work/function properly

TheSoapyFrog · 02/10/2021 14:35

Men can get PND, is it possible he does too?

Notimeforaname · 02/10/2021 14:36

I wouldn't consider counselling if you wont speak to him properly,or seek outside help..you're pretty much out of ideas.

Original poster
Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 14:45

If it would work then actually I would Consider counselling. I don't want to ask because I might not like the answer he says.

OP posts:
SpiceRat · 02/10/2021 14:53

@Dee3540

If it would work then actually I would Consider counselling. I don't want to ask because I might not like the answer he says.
But you don’t like the life you’re living right now surely either? This isn’t going to go away or can be answered by people on the internet, you need to communicate with your partner.
Original poster
Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 14:58

I love my life because I have my little baby. I just want him to tell me he loves me. I will tell him how I feel

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/10/2021 14:59

In these threads, the OP is never, ever over reacting!

You aren’t. What a horrible man to say “oh god no” about giving you sexual pleasure. I’d certainly stop doing the same for him, and would be completely put off sex by someone who didn’t show any affection.

Birdkin · 02/10/2021 15:00

Saying oh god no to kissing you is just horrible! You really need to ask him what he’s playing at.

Original poster
Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 15:13

It makes me feel so unworthy. I've given him a beautiful baby. We don't have any affection anymore. When he doesn't kiss me during sex makes me feel crap

OP posts:
seaandsandcastles · 02/10/2021 15:13

But if you won’t talk to him about it how are you expecting anything to change? Confused

Pinkbonbon · 02/10/2021 15:19

He sounds like a shitty person tbh.

I'd ask him why he thinks his pleasure matters more than his? And why he can't even bring himself to cuddle the mother of his child?

But not because I wanted an answer. Because after I asked i would tell him that clearly,this relationship was over. And that I deserved better and that he should be ashamed of himself. And that he needed to leave.

Yes, thats a hard thing to do op. But he is unkind and it is better that you cut cancers like him from your life than suffer with them forevermore. Be brave.

Original poster
Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 15:27

It's true what you say seaandsandcastles. Nothing will change if I don't bring these upto him. I surely shouldn't have to ask my partner at pleasure me he surely should want to.

OP posts:
MadameOvary81 · 02/10/2021 17:37

It sounds a bit like the madonna/whore complex at play. I'm sorry, OP.

seaandsandcastles · 02/10/2021 17:38

@Dee3540

It's true what you say seaandsandcastles. Nothing will change if I don't bring these upto him. I surely shouldn't have to ask my partner at pleasure me he surely should want to.
Well no. Not everyone likes oral sex, and that’s okay.
Dishwashersaurous · 02/10/2021 17:53

You need to talk to him. Ask him why there's no affection and how he's feeling.

Original poster
Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 18:42

But he always enjoyed it before I had our little baby. I will ask him why he's not showing me affection anymore

OP posts: