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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I over reacting.

46 replies

Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 13:05

I recently had a baby 6 months ago. Since then my partner has never said he loves me and he never kisses me. We have had sex twice since my baby has been born. Although even when we have sex it's always on his terms and he never kisses me during it. I've performed oral sex on him since the baby has been born yet he never does it to me. I ask and he says oh god no. Am I over thinking things. I see all these couples who are in love more since becoming parents yet my other half won't touch me, hug me or even kiss me.

OP posts:

seaandsandcastles · 02/10/2021 18:59

Firstly, how do you know he enjoyed it? Did you ask him, did he explicitly say? Or did he just do it?

And secondly, people’s preferences change. And that’s okay.

Anordinarymum · 02/10/2021 19:24

OP What are the online games?

Original poster

Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 20:25

He'd always do it instantly without me asking him. He always used to comment saying he enjoys doing it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 20:26

Mostly call of duty and fifa

OP posts:

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 02/10/2021 20:30

We hardly had sex in the first year but I was suffering bad with anxiety. Although there was still affection there.

Original poster

Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 20:42

There's no affection. It's like he's grossed out by me. We were always cuddling and very intimate before our little baby. I don't get how he's changed though

OP posts:

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 02/10/2021 20:47

Poor you OP, must be horrible. It does sound like he could be suffering a form of pnd. If it had been a traumatic birth and he'd seen it all I could understand more. You will have to face him I'm afraid.

TheChip · 02/10/2021 20:47

Can't men suffer this kind of thing after watching their partners give birth?
It could be some kind of trauma thing.
He is handling it badly and there's no excuse for him not telling you he loves you still, but I suppose it is possibly that.

Maybe he could do with some therapy?

R0tational · 02/10/2021 20:54

Sorry, OP. That sounds really hard - he is obvipusly having some kind of mental/emotional difficulty, not that it makes his behaviour OK. I hope others can help you with solutions. Seems very much like if its His oissur He needs to face it and address it, not leave you hurt and confused.

R0tational · 02/10/2021 20:54

His *issue

Original poster

Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 20:55

I really hope things improve because it's making me feel like crap. It's like I don't exist anymore

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 02/10/2021 21:04

It would be prudent to mention that lots of abusers do not start to abuse until they feel the woman is 'trapped' by a child. And its fair to say that making you feel undesirable and unloved is a common abuse tactic and falls under emotional abuse. He knows saying 'hell no' was harsh and he knows that refusing you so much as a cuddle is harsh. So why would anyone do that to anyone, let one someone they are supposed to love? It's horribly mean. And 5he most likely reason as to why, is because HE is a horrible mean person. And now, he feels he can show it because he figures you are stuck with him.

Original poster

Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 21:10

I never wear make up anymore do you think that's because he doesn't find me attractive anymore because I'm bare faced. He always used to say I'm pretty and how good I looked in certain clothes now there's absolutely no love towards me. We always used to cuddle in bed now we are practically sleep with our backs to each other

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 02/10/2021 21:13

There's a thing where some men are no longer attracted to women once they become mothers. It's crap and if he's unwilling to work on himself then you need to decide whether you can carry on like this.

TheChip · 02/10/2021 21:16

The only way you're going to find out his reasons for this is by asking him. The answer might not be what you want to hear, but it has to be better than what you're currently going through.
It could be down to him needing time to get over the birth, and time is all he needs. Or it could be that this is the start of abuse like a pp suggested.

Asking him, and hearing his response will lead you on to the next step. Whether you just give him time or whether you need to be cautious because he's looking elsewhere or whether he's possibly starting to show his abusive side.

ThreeLittleDots · 02/10/2021 21:16

And I agree with others that he sounds cruel. Rebutting affection by saying "oh god no" is abusive as it's designed to make you feel like shit

lynntheyresexpeople · 02/10/2021 21:17

You need to talk to him! Ask him what's changed and tell him how it's made you feel

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 02/10/2021 21:43

He’s not grossed out by you, he’s jealous of the baby. He’s feeling irrationally rejected by you because he thinks that he’s been replaced in your affections and priorities by the baby. So he is rejecting you instead. Pathetic really, but obvious. Either you have to talk to him or counselling, he doesn’t sound like he has the emotional intelligence to realise this himself.

Original poster

Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 21:51

I seen that before that men aren't attracted to the woman once they have given birth. I just want to be shown some kind of interest from him. I even wore something kinky a few weeks back but even that didn't make him find me sexy.

OP posts:

Voice0fReason · 02/10/2021 22:17

He is putting in absolutely zero effort into your relationship.
I don't you should just let that go because it isn't good enough. You need to know what is going on.

Original poster

Dee3540 · 02/10/2021 22:48

I agree he's not putting nothing into our relationship and it's horrible

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