How to get husband to take on some of the emotional workload.

[Pinkvelocoraptors]

I am in a situation where OH will only help out if I give him clear instructions on what to do. He works 40-50 hours a week and I work 8 with a 3 and 4 year old so I do the majority of the workload but If I need something doing I will have to ask specifically. I hate micromanaging and he has both called me overbearing and stated that i need to tell him exactly what to do.

The one example currently is yesterday I had tonsilitis all day and when my husband got home I was in a lot of pain. I put the children to bed, tidied up, did the washing up etc.. then sat downstairs feeling sorry for myself. About an hour later he came downstairs passive aggressively and said 'what do you need doing' I said nothing everything is done where he went on to tell me I needed to tell him what to do otherwise I'll be in a mood with him later.

Today at 10.30am I woke him up saying I needed a bit of support with the kids where he went on to say in an aggressive manner 'you stay in bed all day and I'll do everything h clean the house from top to bottom' I said I just need general help I dont want to stay in bed all day I just want a day together and he told me as I wasnt specifying what I needed doing I'm just setting him up to fail. I always get tongue tied and never know how to express myself. Hes now running around the house like a mad man cleaning the house from top to bottom and glaring at me. How do I ask him to just do stuff

It sounds very dysfunctional and angry to be honest.

What has happened in the past to make him react so angrily to you being unwell ?

How do you normally talk to each other ?

Maybe some more examples of you asking him to do things previously might help us to help you ?

How on earth does he cope at work?
Is he micro managed there or does he use his own initiative?

Tell him to open his eyes and look and see what needs doing.

And let him crack on and clean the house, don't pacify him

oh god, if you find out let me know. My DH is very all or nothing. If I ask for help with the kids then it’s ‘you go and sit in the bedroom, I’ll do EVERYTHING if you can’t cope’.
No matter how many times I ask for help I either get that response or told that I’m micromanaging.
I’ve tried calm discussions and we have argued about it but nothing seems to work.
If drives me mad.

This is an incredibly dysfunctional situation

Immediate response. You are ill. Go to bed. Tell him that he is looking after the children today. Go to sleep. Get better

Tomorrow sit him down and calmly Talk to him.about how he speaks to you

Right now, go back to bed and leave him to it.
Tomorrow- or when you are actually feeling better - sit him down and tell him to grow up! If he can work, he has much more of a clue about running a home than he is letting on.

This sounds like a very unhappy situation.
I'm sorry you feel ill - tonsillitis is awful.

To answer your original question...... we split jobs and whatever job you are responsible for YOU need to take on everything that comes with that. That doesn't mean you can't ask for help but you can't assume someone else will be picking up the slack.

For example, DH is responsible for DSs football and I'm responsible for swimming. That doesn't mean I don't ever take DS to football but DH must check I'm available before agreeing to do something on football days. If I'm not available then he needs to arrange for his parents to take him.
He's also responsible for 2 school drop offs and 2 pick ups.... again he has to check I'm available or make alternative arrangements if something crops up. The same applies to me.

It only works if someone is fully responsible for something and isn't assuming that someone else will be there to pick up the slack.

Different when ill but on normal days I’d expect not to be doing anything if I worked 40/50 hours whilst my husband worked 8.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Different when ill but on normal days I’d expect not to be doing anything if I worked 40/50 hours whilst my husband worked 8.

Working long hours doesn't mean you aren't a parent. You should still be doing something

Why is he so cross? Do you tell him off for doing the wrong thing or doing things wrong? If not then he’s being a twat.

Hope you feel better soon.

The issue isn’t that you’re not communicating with him in the right way. The issue is that he’s deliberately taking issue with you regardless of what you do or how you express yourself, in order to manipulate you into not asking for help or expecting him to do anything because you’re worried about how he will react.

There’s no easy solution here, because fundamentally the issue is that he’s not treating you with respect or decency. If you make that clear to him and he doesn’t change, you need to decide if you can live with it.

@SkinnyMirror

This sounds like a very unhappy situation. I'm sorry you feel ill - tonsillitis is awful.

To answer your original question...... we split jobs and whatever job you are responsible for YOU need to take on everything that comes with that. That doesn't mean you can't ask for help but you can't assume someone else will be picking up the slack.

For example, DH is responsible for DSs football and I'm responsible for swimming. That doesn't mean I don't ever take DS to football but DH must check I'm available before agreeing to do something on football days. If I'm not available then he needs to arrange for his parents to take him.
He's also responsible for 2 school drop offs and 2 pick ups.... again he has to check I'm available or make alternative arrangements if something crops up. The same applies to me.

It only works if someone is fully responsible for something and isn't assuming that someone else will be there to pick up the slack.

This is how we work it too. We each have designated jobs. We might sometimes do the other's job if we have spare time/know the other is snowed under etc, but it's never expected and never involves taking on any of the mental load for that job. Eg washing is my job, but if DH is WFH (I WOH) and sees the machine has finished, he'll hang up the washing. However, there is a level of toxicity here OP that needs to be overcome first. Whether that is possible...? Are there any points in your week that you feel you could manage a calm and reasoned discussion about the division of labour?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Different when ill but on normal days I’d expect not to be doing anything if I worked 40/50 hours whilst my husband worked 8.

They have kids, which means OP doesn’t work 8 hours a week - she works 8 hours a week in paid employment and then god knows how many other hours in looking after the kids. That is work, just unpaid work.

It infuriates me that on MN, of all places, looking after children and doing all the domestic work is not considered work.

@jamsandwich1 that sounds identical to my situation. I feel like pulling my hair out sometimes

We might sometimes do the other's job if we have spare time/know the other is snowed under etc, but it's never expected and never involves taking on any of the mental load for that job.

This is the key thing for me. The mental load .... I might take DS to his football match but I've not confirmed he's playing, sorted his kit or paid the subs. That's DHs job.

DH picks DS up from school on a Friday - yesterday I working and DH had a really important meeting put in his diary last min. I just got a text off him telling me he'd arranged for another parent to collect DS and that he'd phoned the school. I didn't need to get involved at all.... which is how it should be! He's just as much a parent as I am 🤷🏼‍♀️

It all sounds unnecessarily angry

I would expect you to do the majority, as you work 8 hours per week

But why can't you sometimes eg ask him to eg empty the dishwasher? Or agree that he's responsible for all nursery correspondence and other specified tasks?

On the Marie Kondo program, she and her husband sit down and make a list of the stuff that needs doing and they pick the things that play to their strengths. I really love that idea of working together and respecting each other.

I think you should pick a time when the kids are in bed and sit down together and divide up the chores a bit better. He can then just get on with his jobs without you needing to micromanage him. If he refuses or gets angry, then I think you have a bigger problem, which is basically what happened with my Ex and I knew it was never going to work because he was just a selfish twat.

@SkinnyMirror see this is exactly what I want. I've tried describing it but I just feel so unnecessarily stressed because everything falls on my shoulders. Hell tidy up if I ask or do odd jobs but when something goes wrong or need following up I am 100% responsible. I spent all of last night after us huffing unblocking the ubend in the bathroom sink which never would have got done otherwise

[quote Pinkvelocoraptors]@SkinnyMirror see this is exactly what I want. I've tried describing it but I just feel so unnecessarily stressed because everything falls on my shoulders. Hell tidy up if I ask or do odd jobs but when something goes wrong or need following up I am 100% responsible. I spent all of last night after us huffing unblocking the ubend in the bathroom sink which never would have got done otherwise [/quote]
I found it hard to step away at first - I'm super organised and hate leaving things until the last minute whereas DH is definitely a last minute merchant.

I know it's hard if things are urgent though.

Can you agree that he takes on certain jobs and you make sure you don't step in? It sounds like he's not going to fully understand unless he has to deal with the consequences.

@outbutnotoutout he actually manages a team of around 10ish people and when he works from home hes bossing everybody about it's odd to see

Over the years I've helped DH compile detailed checklists for each task he needs to do and when. He's also made himself a map of what lives where in the house. Could that help?

I think both of you are not being unreasonable. Saying
“I needed a bit of support with the kids” and “I just need general help“
Would drive me insane. It’s too general. And him saying “you stay in bed all day and I'll do everything h clean the house from top to bottom” is also too general obviously extreme/unfair. You’re both playing the martyr here...you with the asking for “support” like it’s all your job and him with the “I’ll do everything while you’re in bed all day” crap.

You two need to sit down and actually communicate in specifics. Who does what and when. We do a weekly dinner menu and it says who is cooking the dinner that night. We found doing chores 50/50 too much of a hassle so we divide chores up...one for laundry, one to clean bathrooms, one cleans kitchen, one hoovers. Then we tag team with kids needs as well...I do all maths homework for example. You’re a team and a good team should communicate constantly. Especially if one is sick, it’s easy to say oh, today was hoovering upstairs day,if you can get to it, thank you, if not just doing childcare and making dinner would be fantastic.....

The usual handmaiden types have appeared who think that looking after homes and children is only work if a Big Important Man is being asked to do it. When it's the woman doing it, it's all coffee mornings and book reading, obviously

You should never, ever frame it as help either.
It's not helping - it's part of the responsibility of being an adult and a parent.

I do t care how many hours you work ( both me and DH work full time and I can often clock up 40-50 hour weeks ) you should still be taking on some of the responsibilities that come with family life.

@SparkyTheCat

Over the years I've helped DH compile detailed checklists for each task he needs to do and when. He's also made himself a map of what lives where in the house. Could that help?

Seriously!? 😂

Weirdly, my Ex who never lifted a finger when we were together now has to do it all for himself. His laundry, his cleaning, the washing up, taking out the rubbish, everything. Seems he knew fine how to use a vacuum cleaner after all.

Men are perfectly capable of doing these household tasks. Many just don't want to do it because they think that's the missus is there for. To pick up after them and do all the shit work.