How to get husband to take on some of the emotional workload.

[Pinkvelocoraptors]

I am in a situation where OH will only help out if I give him clear instructions on what to do. He works 40-50 hours a week and I work 8 with a 3 and 4 year old so I do the majority of the workload but If I need something doing I will have to ask specifically. I hate micromanaging and he has both called me overbearing and stated that i need to tell him exactly what to do.

The one example currently is yesterday I had tonsilitis all day and when my husband got home I was in a lot of pain. I put the children to bed, tidied up, did the washing up etc.. then sat downstairs feeling sorry for myself. About an hour later he came downstairs passive aggressively and said 'what do you need doing' I said nothing everything is done where he went on to tell me I needed to tell him what to do otherwise I'll be in a mood with him later.

Today at 10.30am I woke him up saying I needed a bit of support with the kids where he went on to say in an aggressive manner 'you stay in bed all day and I'll do everything h clean the house from top to bottom' I said I just need general help I dont want to stay in bed all day I just want a day together and he told me as I wasnt specifying what I needed doing I'm just setting him up to fail. I always get tongue tied and never know how to express myself. Hes now running around the house like a mad man cleaning the house from top to bottom and glaring at me. How do I ask him to just do stuff

@SparkyTheCat

Over the years I've helped DH compile detailed checklists for each task he needs to do and when. He's also made himself a map of what lives where in the house. Could that help?

Seriously?? Unless he has additional needs then I can't understand why anyone would do this!

Can he not figure out how to do housework? It's not hard!

I think his angry attitude is the problem, if he had a kind helpful attitude you wouldn't mind giving him some direction on what you need done. He clearly resents being asked to help and is using this asking you exactly what you need done and martyrish cleaning the house from top to bottom as a way of putting you off from asking for help in future.

You're not doing anything wrong OP, your husband is a knob. It wouldn't matter which way you asked, it'd always be wrong in his eyes because fact is he doesn't want you to ask at all. You've got tonsillitis it's fine if you're in bed all day and he does everything. There's nothing wrong with the way you expressed yourself, you're getting tongue tied out of fear of saying the wrong thing and him getting angry in response. But there is no right thing to say, he wants you to do it all and keep quiet about it. The problem isn't you, it's him.

I think you need to have a conversation at a time when you are not both annoyed about something that has just happened, and outside the house (so there is less chance of flouncing). And to explain quickly why what he is asking is unfair and that it is also setting up the situation for you to be the target of his ire - he cant have it both ways, and if he finds it overbearing when you tell him what to do, there is a very easy fix to that. He can start thinking for himself. He is being a knob.

I dont even mind the housework or workload. I do delegate a fair amount with varying degrees of huffiness but god it'd be nice to just be feeling I'll and have someone be like 'are you alright, dont worry about the kids have a lie down' as opposed to me having to just delegate childcare or a leak or blown fuse and know that it's not my responsibility. It's so tiring sometimes

@fluffywhitebird thankyou that is really nice to hear sometimes I feel that I must be this massively irrational person because I dont know what to say back but then I'll think about it later and I feel rational again

We are currently on the brink of divorce because of this. I carry the full mental load and responsible for everything around the house and young dc because I "only" work 2 days. Apparently his contribution is working full time and bringing in the money. It's all recently got too much, I've had a breakdown and currently off sick. Things are really shit at the moment. Please get this sorted, one thing I have learned is they just don't "see" what needs doing, you literally have to spell out each task. It's exhausting.

By his stressful response to being asked to 'help', he is training you to not ask. This is quite deliberate and his end game is to do as little as possible no matter how you are feeling. Some consider this treatment of a spouse to be abusive as it takes no account of their need and is intensely disrespectful. He is not treating you with love, he is training you with hate.

@loulou198 I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds extremely stressful. Fingers crossed he'll have an epiphany and buck up. I tell my partner i'm stressed and he says hes dealing with million pound deals at work so I shouldn't be stressed doing a tiny bit of admin but we don't get to clock out at 5pm. Its never ending

I'd love to know . My dp is a lovely guy but even if I'm specific about what I need him to do. I'll often need to remind him several times. Drives me insane

He needs some areas that are all his responsibility such as grocery shopping/ bathroom cleaning etc. That he can fit around work. Some jobs that you share or alternate such as putting kids to bed.
Then when you want him to do more because you are ill just be specific.
I am ill so can you get dinner ready, (tell him what's planned), tidy up afterwards and then bath the DC.

@Youseethethingis

The usual handmaiden types have appeared who think that looking after homes and children is only work if a Big Important Man is being asked to do it. When it's the woman doing it, it's all coffee mornings and book reading, obviously

So true, and completely depressing. Imagine thinking that men shouldn't feed or bath their kids because they have a day job. What man would even want that? Why did they become a parent if they don't want to bring up the kids?

It's knackering, but you don't just do it to keep everyone alive. You do it because you have caring instincts.

@Flup

He needs some areas that are all his responsibility such as grocery shopping/ bathroom cleaning etc. That he can fit around work. Some jobs that you share or alternate such as putting kids to bed. Then when you want him to do more because you are ill just be specific. I am ill so can you get dinner ready, (tell him what's planned), tidy up afterwards and then bath the DC.

He's their father? Why on earth would any adult man need to have the concept of dinner explained to them?

@Pinkvelocoraptors thank you. I really can't see it happening though. It's caused a lot of resentment. We are currently having counselling but it's not going well. You are right, there is no clock off time, I often say how easy it would be to work 9-5 and have nothing else to think about. Weekends aren't much better, feels like I am running a hotel.

My DH is a bit like this, won’t do anything unless asked. However I think that’s because I’m over organised and tbh my standards are quite high so if he does something he never does it right so it’s way easier for me to specifically ask him to do stuff I know he can do adequately, a lot less stressful all round 😂

He’s quite last minute where as I’m a ‘do it now so I know it’s done and relax’ kinda person so I think this can be where the clash is.

I’d say you both need to communicate and delegate jobs that each person be responsible for. Then agree that everything outside of those jobs/tasks whatever you have to ask the other person. So make him responsible for doing bath and bed for the children on a Monday-Thursday for example.

He's their father? Why on earth would any adult man need to have the concept of dinner explained to them?
All too easy to come out with the phrase "adult man". I'd say exactly the same if it was my mum stepping in to do what I normally do. It's not explaining the concept of dinner if you say "I had spaghetti bolognese planned, there is meat in the fridge to be used".

To PP 😂 at the checklist thing, yes I agree it sounds ridiculous. But - the OP asked for solutions, and I'm typing this from the sofa while DH does the washing up without having been asked, so that's just what worked for me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh we have this situation

Clearly in my house the fact dh works (part time) means that’s the ONLY contribution he makes and if asked to do anything will declare ‘but I work!’
Leaving me to sort out the dc and all bills
Life admin school stuff everything and he goes to work and when gets in is ‘off duty’ whereas I am constantly 24/7 on duty

And he wonders why I’ve now moved to the spare room it’s the only place i get some time off in the hours the dc are asleep and unsure as hell don’t want anyone near me In those hours

Wow he sounds like a prince! You've been ill with tonsillitis, cooked, washed up and sorted the dc and he's angry at you! What he should be doing is taking some of the pressure off you, making you something to eat and then packing you off to bed

@LouLou198

We are currently on the brink of divorce because of this. I carry the full mental load and responsible for everything around the house and young dc because I "only" work 2 days. Apparently his contribution is working full time and bringing in the money. It's all recently got too much, I've had a breakdown and currently off sick. Things are really shit at the moment. Please get this sorted, one thing I have learned is they just don't "see" what needs doing, you literally have to spell out each task. It's exhausting.

You're doing the right thing. Hopefully you'll meet someone who wants to be a true life partner instead of someone who just wants a servant and if not, at least it's only your own mess! Funny how they're all so traditional until it comes to their wife not having to work outside the home and them having to allow access to their wages so she can buy stuff for herself as opposed to for DC or the house . If you'd stayed together just imagine reaching 67 and him retiring and your "job" ramping up because he's home 24/7 so as well as all the house stuff you're having to wait on him 24/7 forever, until one of you dies.

He sounds like a dick. I hope you're feeling better & recommend you read this

He sounds awful.

His huffing is definitely designed to make you hesitant about asking that he do his share.

The truth is OP that he is selfish.

You may find you dont wish to be married long term to him, so have a long term plan re work and money.

Sounds like his job is stressful and 40-50 hours a week is a lot.

Can he not work less and be a dad more?

Am I wrong or is he?

I need a third person to tell me either I'm a psycho or he's a chauvinistic $%&#^

We've got 2 kids. 2 year old and 2 month old. Ever since we've had more responsibilities the more we fight about the responsibilities. He works full time I'm a full time mum.

I work 24 hours. No break. 2 small kids. I also have always done all the house chores and cooking. It gets really hard that once a month he pays a cleaner for a deep clean. I managed all that until I had baby number 2. He doesn't want to help. He does help me though sometimes. But by force. Guilt tripping him. When the house ends up looking like a pigs sty because I literally can't do it. I'm exclusively breastfeeding and baby is clingy. Toddler is not eating properly recently and is being so picky so it takes me hours to make sure she has enough to eat. Giving them both a bath. It takes me all day. And as soon as he's home I just need that help. Just even holding the newborn so I can give my arms a break. Or have a shower. Cooking an evening meal with them two with me alone is impossible. I can't do it without his help. He comes home late (by choice). So we don't end up eating till. Very late. I'm exhausted because I don't get a chance to eat and eat really late. Breastfeeding takes all the energy from me and it stresses me that I don't eat enough to give enough to my baby through breastfeeding.

Anyhow, he has a misogynistic mentality. He thinks it's my job to do all that above. And having food on the table is a 'given'. He shouldnt have to do any of that. Im a wife and a mother and I should do all that without help All he has to do is bring in the money and provide. Anything he does do to help. Like washing dishes or putting laundry on or giving our toddler a bath is him doing me a favour. These are his words.

I realised what his mentality is like since we've had kids. Before then it wasn't really highlighted. We were both working and just doing our own thing on not much to do. With kids I expect us to do everything together. It's his responsibility too. I have a 24/7 job. He thinks I stay in bed for hours and hours and sleep and rest
When I've told him numerous times I'm breastfeeding! If I don't I lose my supply! I don't sleep all night. And have 1-2 hours sleep every few hours or so. That doesn't mean I'm in bed all day sleeping!!! I'm exhausted. When my baby does finally settle then the toddler is up! I wash her give her breakfast on no sleep and no food. Once they've all sorted then I eat breakfast. I can only do house chores or cooking when the husband is home and he takes over atleast one of the kids.

But he hates it. All he wants to do is come home and relax and do nothing. If he has to do me some 'favours' it makes him so angry and he starts swearing. It's my job apparently. He won't even change toddlers Nappy. From his point of view him washing up is him doing something HUGE for me and if I ask him to change toddlers nappy too otherwise she'll get a rash whilst waiting for me to finish breastfeeding or settling the newborn is taking the piss and I deserve to be verbally abused and he doesn't care if she gets a rash! His mentality drives me crazy because he's the polar opposite to me with my mentality and what I want in a man. And therefore I am verbally abusive to him too. I feel like if I don't let it out, my brain will explode!

I cant deal with it anymore feel like I'm going crazy. Feel like a single mother but financially stable. That's the only good thing I get from him. The relationship is so toxic now. He doesn't know how to be a father or husband in my opinion. He should have stayed single and watched as much netflix as he wanted and have his mum and sisters spoon feed him as they always have done.

What do you guys think?