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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which option would you choose?

69 replies

Twocrabs30 · 02/10/2021 03:55

I have 2 DC - 4 & 6.
I met my STBXH 8 years ago in the UK. We both come from other countries and have no family in the UK.
We separated shortly after the birth of our 2nd DD.
I wanted to return back to my home country.
Due to fortunate set of circumstances I managed to get back home and managed to stay in my home country. My DC are with me.

My STBXH is now living with me in my home country. He is open to moving to my home country, to raise our daughters here. But for him to get a permanent visa / right to reside we have to ‘reunite’ as a couple for immigration purposes and live together another 2-3 years. I find him very controlling and this is making me depressed. I am now on antidepressants to help me cope. This is option 1.

Option 2 I voluntarily return with daughters and him back to the UK. I live in effective exile from my home country. Neutral territory however for both STBXH and myself. Neither of us have family support. He won’t do much parenting in any country. At most perhaps every other weekend. I would be without family support, but would have friends around me. Option 2.

I tell STBXH that I want to remain in my home country and I can’t support him in visa, which means he will have to return to Uk, and my DC will grow up without a father (he is kind and loving to them, just not great to me) and he may only see them 1-2 times a year at most. Option 3.

OP posts:
Time40 · 02/10/2021 04:01

Option 3, because first, the other options are too much of a sacrifice for you and secondly, because although you say that your STBXH is kind to your children, children pick up on an unhappy atmosphere, and that won't do them any good - and also, it would be bad for them to see you being mistreated and controlled by him.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2021 04:10

Option 3, without question. A man who is abusive to his children's mother is not a good father. He will soon turn his controlling ways onto them.

Rtmhwales · 02/10/2021 04:11

Option 2, if you have friends there. It seems what would be best for the kids.

Is he open to option 3? Could you do it legally or would he take you to court to return the children to the UK?

Original poster
Twocrabs30 · 02/10/2021 04:19

The circumstances are such now he couldn’t force me to return with DC back to UK. So legally I could stay in home country and he wouldn’t have a right to force me and children back to Uk or a remain there without me pretending to be in a relationship with him, for him to get a permanent right to stay. It’s less a legal issue and more a moral one - a question of what is best for children and myself. And what is fair to him.

My home country is 18 hours flight from UK if this makes any difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twocrabs30 · 02/10/2021 04:28

@Rtmhwales I think he would be devastated by option 3. He wouldn’t really be in their life at all.

OP posts:
starrynight21 · 02/10/2021 04:30

Option 3 for sure. As you say, He won’t do much parenting in any country, so I guess you mean he is a Disney Dad, only around for the fun times. I wouldn't be too concerned about him .

starrynight21 · 02/10/2021 04:33

[quote Twocrabs30]@Rtmhwales I think he would be devastated by option 3. He wouldn’t really be in their life at all.[/quote]
It's not worth worrying about him being devastated . The other option is that you get to live a lie, AND put up with him controlling you . You say you are on antidepressants now, b cause of his behaviour towards you. Don't let this continue for another few years , just to avoid him being "devastated". Stay where you are and make a life for yourself and your children.

romdowa · 02/10/2021 04:33

Option 3 sounds like it would be best for you and your children. It's up to exdh to figure out a way to stay in his children's lives, one that doesn't involve living with you

Shelddd · 02/10/2021 04:42

If its 18 hour flight that does leave out short weekend trips, so it really would end up being 1 or 2 times a year at first... after a couple years itll probably go to once every 2 or 3 years or so, then may even extend beyond that just from my experience with some other people in those situations. They will basically completely grow up without him. I'm sorry to say there really just isn't an optimal solution.

I know you probably don't want to mention your home country but is it a country with good healthcare? is there good education available? is it safe? are there jobs?

I would probably pick the country more based off opportunities for children rather than where your family is, but that's just my opinion.

I think if your home country has just as good opportunities than ya probably would have preference for that.

Original poster
Twocrabs30 · 02/10/2021 04:45

@Shelddd yes, it has good healthcare, education, jobs and is safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twocrabs30 · 02/10/2021 04:53

My other worry is my DC being without the love of their other parent. Parents love is something special and different. Being 18 hours away he won’t really be in their life.
But I am struggling with option 1. I am so miserable having to share my home with him again. I am like, can I just suck it up, and in a few years I’ll have my life back or should I chose option 2 or 3. I feel like option 1 is best for DC. Option 3 best for me. Option 2 seems overwhelming.

OP posts:
Shelddd · 02/10/2021 04:57

@Twocrabs30

My other worry is my DC being without the love of their other parent. Parents love is something special and different. Being 18 hours away he won’t really be in their life. But I am struggling with option 1. I am so miserable having to share my home with him again. I am like, can I just suck it up, and in a few years I’ll have my life back or should I chose option 2 or 3. I feel like option 1 is best for DC. Option 3 best for me. Option 2 seems overwhelming.
I feel like option 1 is not an option. Seriously don't do it.
amylou8 · 02/10/2021 04:57

Would you have to live together for option one, or could you discreetly live apart once he has the visa? If you can't then really there are no options, he returns the the UK and you and the kids stay put.

Gingerish · 02/10/2021 05:01

I can't believe so many posters are happy for two small children to grow up without a dad in their lives. 18 hours away! Jesus.

How are you going to explain that to them when they get older and start asking why daddy is in another country? Especially if he tells them it wasn't his choice to be separated.

So I say Option 2 but it does seem like all the options have major downsides.

madisonbridges · 02/10/2021 05:02

Would people choose option 3 for the husband if he had taken the children to his home country away from their mother and put the op in the position of not being able to see her children?

Original poster
Twocrabs30 · 02/10/2021 05:13

@amylou8 once he has a visa to remain - in 2-3 years we can live apart. Until then we are forced to live in the same residence together to give the impression we are a family unit.

OP posts:
corblimeygov · 02/10/2021 05:21

Stay in your own native country, with your children, and let him marry someone else from your country so he can stay there. I'm sure he could manage that. And who knows, he might actually start being nicer to you if he's happy with someone else.

Original poster
Twocrabs30 · 02/10/2021 05:21

How are you going to explain that to them when they get older and start asking why daddy is in another country? Especially if he tells them it wasn't his choice to be separated.

Exactly. I naturally worry about this also. I feel DC best interests are having both parents in their lives. And the question is does the means - 2-3 years of depressing sacrifice living together, justify the ends of staying in my home country.

Or given impact for 2-3 years on my physical and mental well being, mean I should choose a different option.

I feel like I am a rock in a hard place - having to choose between a range of crappy options.

Could you endure a shit home life for probably 3 years in the circumstances? We are both trying our best to be agreeable in front of the DC, to make the best in a crap situation. But I feel my life is on hold and I am treading water - till he can be out of my living space.

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/10/2021 05:28

Option 3 - better for you and the DC to have a support system.
If he doesn't do much daily parenting, then he can visit and be a Disney dad until the children are older. Then perhaps they could visit him on school holidays.
The way the world is now, it is better and safer to be in your own country with a support system (usually family).

converseandjeans · 02/10/2021 05:28

Do you have enough space so that you have your own bedrooms and could live in same property but not share a bed?

I don't think it would be right to deny him the chance to be a parent. He obviously cares enough to move 18 hours away to your home country where he presumably has no friends or family?

lannistunut · 02/10/2021 05:31

Option 1 should be discounted, it is just not a sane choice and either involves you lying to your children (giving false hope of reconciliation) or involves them in the deceit too.

madisonbridges · 02/10/2021 05:33

Why don't we have option 4? The father takes the children to his country and brings them up with his family support system and the op plays Disney mum a couple of times a year. This way he'll learn to play a full parenting role in their lives. Perhaps DC could visit the op during the school holidays?

Original poster
Twocrabs30 · 02/10/2021 05:34

@converseandjeans yes, we share different bedrooms and beds. The arrangement is one like housemates coordinating DC school and kindergarten commitments around our work. I doubt immigration will come into our house but even then separate bedrooms could be explained with snoring and care of children at night. But for the purpose of trying to demonstrate a family unit we have to live in the same house and share joint bank account etc for living expenses etc

OP posts:
BootsScootsAndToots · 02/10/2021 05:35

Option 3. I would never leave my home country with my DC to go live somewhere I don't have support.

Is there another route for perm residency your exDh can take (skilled visa etc)?

Original poster
Twocrabs30 · 02/10/2021 05:37

@lannistunut this is true. The children have the perception we are back together - hence are lied to - and will have trauma again of our separation when this happens.

OP posts: