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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should i be more understanding to my windowed BIL

46 replies

Sophiak70 · 01/10/2021 17:02

Hi,

So my partner and I lost his sister just over a year ago, my partner adored his little sister and me and her were really good friends, we promised we would look out for her husband, and have just come back from a holiday abroad and we took him with us to give him a break from it all, also paid , which was something we wanted to do as we appreciate hes been in and out of work the past few years due to caring for his wife , funeral costs, and adjusting to living on the one wage, however, whilst we were there he constantly complained about everything, i feel emotionaly drained as i felt so on edge the entire 2 weeks, should i be more understanding or is he just being damn ungrateful?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 01/10/2021 17:07

Perhaps he found it difficult not having his partner with him. You did a good thing, but I'd keep contact to situations where I could make an escape if he moaned too much!

Spindrifting · 01/10/2021 17:07

What was he complaining about?

NailsNeedDoing · 01/10/2021 17:08

It depends. If he was unable to enjoy himself at all because he’s really not coping then he probably does need the understanding. If he is generally coping and was just being rude, then you’d be justified in not going on holiday with him again.

Speaking as a widow though, a year is still very early days, even when it seems someone is coping. It’s understandable that you feel drained after spending a full two weeks with someone in that stage of grief.

Ponoka7 · 01/10/2021 17:14

I can remember the feelings of discontentment, anger, bitterness even a year after being widowed. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. It was better for me that people around me were honest. It could be depression.

PoodleJ · 01/10/2021 17:15

You should be more understanding. You can’t just cheer up someone who is suffering from grief by taking them on holiday. There is no getting a break from grief. He probably is a pain but maybe two weeks was a bit intense and you expected too much from it.

Pemba · 01/10/2021 17:19

What sort of things was he complaining about, can you give an example?

I would cut him some slack due to his circumstances. I mean don't cut him off, but maybe step back a bit? And don't spend your money on holidays for him that he doesn't seem to enjoy.

You tried, it was good hearted of you, maybe leave it to him to make the next move.

girlywhirly · 01/10/2021 17:20

That sounds tough for all of you. Maybe BIL found it hard as a single man with a couple, or maybe it wasn’t the type of holiday he would enjoy. Or a third thing, he is clinically depressed and nothing would help him enjoy it.

He sounds resentful actually, you still have your partner while his is no longer living, you and your partner paid for the holiday that he maybe couldn’t afford without financial hardship. Perhaps it was too soon for him, and he couldn’t wait to get home, hence the constant complaining. I do think he should consider grief counselling if he’s still struggling a year on.

Blahdyblahbla · 01/10/2021 17:22

It's probably extremely hard going on your first holiday without your partner, or doing anything for the first time. Cut him some slack.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 01/10/2021 17:24

You did a lovely thing, trying to be nice. However he probably had two whole weeks feeling like a third wheel, missing his wife even more, all the things they can't enjoy and experience together. Every hand hold you had with your husband, every argument, every laugh, every picture etc just reminded him of something he won't ever be able to do again with his wife.

It can feel incredibly depressing and lonely when you are surrounded by couples or even just one.

NoCauseRebel · 01/10/2021 17:31

What was he complaining about? And what was he like before his wife’s death?

Maybe he’s still finding it hard, and if he’s generally not of the type to complain I would cut him some slack, but if he was already an arsehole then he might just still be being an arsehole, iyswim.

My BIL was already living with another woman a year after his wife died. In fact he had her over to stay and meet the kids just 6 weeks after her death. On the surface it could be argued that he had begun the grieving process before she died, as she had a long illness, hence why he had seemingly moved on so quickly. While a lot of people did judge, a lot of people showed him nothing but understanding.

But the truth is, he was a selfish arse long before his wife even fell ill, so it was hard to separate the behaviour after from the type of person we already knew he was. Iyswim.

vincettenoir · 01/10/2021 17:35

Both. He is being ungrateful but you should still be understanding. You did a very kind thing. It is ok to have found him hard work and be happy to get away from him for a while. But don’t withdraw your support. Just maybe take a break from him for a few weeks, if you need it.

C152 · 01/10/2021 17:35

Unless he's always behaved like this, I would probably give him the benefit of the doubt and think the grief and strain has gotten to him and this is how it's all coming out. It's shit for you and your DH, but you showed your support and did a kind thing, which I think is how you should look on it.

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 17:38

It’s rude to bring everyone else down on holiday even if you’ve paid your own way… but you also shouldn’t be expected to be pathetically grateful.

Perhaps this is nothing to do with him being a widow, and is more just not being compatible personalities on holiday?

Best to just put it behind you.

MrsRobbieHart · 01/10/2021 17:38

He grieving. Cut him some slack.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/10/2021 17:42

YANBU to feel exhausted by it. It would drain the patience of a saint.

But you're going to have to take a deep breath, recharge your batteries and get ready for the next round. There will be one. He is still grieving and won't be able to see past what he no longer has. And that's shit for everyone around him - not least the rest of her family who may deal with their grief differently.

Gin helps, in small doses, many of them... It's the weekend

Antinerak · 01/10/2021 17:42

He's grieving, he doesn't intend to harm you. He's likely very out of control with his emotions and behaviour and wouldn't do this if he wasn't grieving.

SunsetandCupcakes · 01/10/2021 17:42

Was he only on holiday with you because his wife died?
I know when I lost my son the things I did that were only available because he had died were some of the hardest times of my life.

Cadent · 01/10/2021 17:46

Well it’s done now, I’d leave it but just don’t go on holiday with him again.

Bereavement doesn’t mean people have to put up with bad behaviour forever.

viques · 01/10/2021 17:49

Just over a year is hard, you have been through most of the “first time without” scenarios, like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas etc, but there are still some that catch you out, maybe going on holiday was one of these. You are also at the stage of people sadly losing interest in you, expecting you to start pulling yourself together when you still feel hurt and angry and sad a lot of the time.

It’s very nice of you to want to include him, but I think two weeks was a long time. Don’t forget, he was going home to an empty house, you weren’t. That can be a dismal experience.

Maybe some weekends away would be easier for him to deal with.

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 18:06

My gut feel is YABU.
That’s because of your “damn ungrateful” ending.
Your focus isn’t that he should be more polite, but more grateful. Which isn’t a very nice stance, really. Take him for a break because you care about him, or because your boyfriend care’s about his promise to his sister. Not because you want him to be “grateful”.

Cadent · 01/10/2021 18:10

Maybe some weekends away would be easier for him to deal with.

No way. If DH wants to go with him, fine, but I don’t think OP should force herself to go.

saraclara · 01/10/2021 18:12

It depends what he was complaining about. His being generally down and having mood swings would be normal and, though difficult to live with, not really something to judge him for. But if he was complaining about the accommodation you booked and various things that you'd paid for, it was rude, and grief is no excuse.

To be honest, a year after I was widowed, I'd have found it really hard to go on a two week holiday with just my SIL and her DH. A larger family group would be fine, but not just the three of us. I was actually invited to do so, but politely, and with gratitude for the thought, turned it down. I'd have felt like a third wheel, and missed my DH even more than I did already. No way in a million years would I have complained about any element of a paid-for holiday though. Jeeze, even grief shouldn't result in that.

Josette77 · 01/10/2021 18:19

One year is nothing when you are widowed. You still expect your partner to walk through the door some days. I've lost a brother and sister but it's not the same as losing your life partner. Your future. Your best friend.

godmum56 · 01/10/2021 18:33

I voted yabu but looking back to when i was widowed I was a total PITA. I was the grief of course but I must have been quite hard to deal with and am very very grateful for those who stuck by me when i needed them

frazzledasarock · 01/10/2021 18:37

He’s grieving cut him some slack.

He’s probably angry at the world and going away without his wife and living through things he wanted to do with his wife.

Forgive him. Let him grieve.

It takes time to adjust to living without the person you planned on spending your life with.

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