Page 2 | Should i be more understanding to my windowed BIL

takenforgrantednana · 01/10/2021 18:43

@Sophiak70

Hi,

So my partner and I lost his sister just over a year ago, my partner adored his little sister and me and her were really good friends, we promised we would look out for her husband, and have just come back from a holiday abroad and we took him with us to give him a break from it all, also paid , which was something we wanted to do as we appreciate hes been in and out of work the past few years due to caring for his wife , funeral costs, and adjusting to living on the one wage, however, whilst we were there he constantly complained about everything, i feel emotionaly drained as i felt so on edge the entire 2 weeks, should i be more understanding or is he just being damn ungrateful?

he was being very very rude! all 3 of you are grieving! not just him, yes its been an expensive period of time for him, so in future make your plans and leave him at home, if he asks why hes not going with you tell him you thought from this holiday that he hadnt enjoyed it one bit and that is why you left him at home

and get planning your next holiday for just the 2 of you

godmum56 · 01/10/2021 19:03

@takenforgrantednana

"he was being very very rude! all 3 of you are grieving! not just him, yes its been an expensive period of time for him, so in future make your plans and leave him at home, if he asks why hes not going with you tell him you thought from this holiday that he hadnt enjoyed it one bit and that is why you left him at home

and get planning your next holiday for just the 2 of you"

yes they were all grieving but the loss of a beloved partner is NOT the same...you are looking at going on through life alone.
but also grief is not "nice" its not "thoughtful" or polite. Its a very raw place to be so yes, I acknowledge that a bereaved partner can really be a PITA, as I was, its not something they have full (any) control over

Standrewsschool · 01/10/2021 19:09

Was his complaining in the moaning category (coffee tasted horrible) or the entitled category (buy me xyz). If the former, , it may just be depression manifesting itself. If the latter, and he was demanding, then I could understand how that would rile you.

takenforgrantednana · 01/10/2021 19:09

[quote godmum56]@takenforgrantednana

"he was being very very rude! all 3 of you are grieving! not just him, yes its been an expensive period of time for him, so in future make your plans and leave him at home, if he asks why hes not going with you tell him you thought from this holiday that he hadnt enjoyed it one bit and that is why you left him at home

and get planning your next holiday for just the 2 of you"

yes they were all grieving but the loss of a beloved partner is NOT the same...you are looking at going on through life alone.
but also grief is not "nice" its not "thoughtful" or polite. Its a very raw place to be so yes, I acknowledge that a bereaved partner can really be a PITA, as I was, its not something they have full (any) control over[/quote]
you dont need to tell me about how grief is, i lost all 4 of my parents and also my father in law within a 2 year period - yes that right 4 of my parents sorry but it doesnt excuse what he did esp seeing as this happened 12 months after the event

Original poster

Sophiak70 · 01/10/2021 19:20

Thanks all for the advice, just for some more info, he actually asked if he could come away with us, the complaining was about every little thing, me and my other half were careful to try and make him not feel like a spare part i.e werent lovey dovey walking arm in arm etc, also he kept moaning to me about my oh when his back was turned and even made comments about how i deserve better! That is m gripe after my oh has been so kind

OP posts:

QuiltingFlower · 01/10/2021 19:21

Yes

pelosi · 01/10/2021 19:26

he kept moaning to me about my oh when his back was turned and even made comments about how i deserve better!

Ugh, creep. You’ve done enough, OP. It’s been over a year now, let him lean on his own family and friends now.

takenforgrantednana · 01/10/2021 19:36

@Sophiak70

Thanks all for the advice, just for some more info, he actually asked if he could come away with us, the complaining was about every little thing, me and my other half were careful to try and make him not feel like a spare part i.e werent lovey dovey walking arm in arm etc, also he kept moaning to me about my oh when his back was turned and even made comments about how i deserve better! That is m gripe after my oh has been so kind

ok after reading that he definately doesnt go with you again. if he as talking behind your hubbies back after he had paid for him to be there then that says it all and you can guarrentee he will have been bad mouthing you too

frazzledasarock · 01/10/2021 19:46

God now he just sounds creepy.

Keep him at arms length and tell your DH how he behaved towards you.

Cocomarine · 01/10/2021 19:47

What promoted him to say you deserved better? That’s an odd thing to say.

mnahmnah · 01/10/2021 19:50

It could well be the grief. My mum was like this for a good couple of years after we lost my dad. Everything nice we did for her, from little things to big, there would be an issue. ‘How’s your lunch mum?’ When we took her out for a nice lunch. ‘Hmm, it’s ok’ with a curled lip. All the time. Nothing was nice or good enough. It was very trying. But it was the grief. It’s improved since.

PigletJohn · 01/10/2021 20:26

A year is not long.

Straighttalking1 · 02/10/2021 07:56

Perhaps he was a moany guy before, but only SIL knew it, and perhaps he's still grieving so cannot see the lighter side of life just yet. Really lovely to take him away with you though. Maybe some counselling might help him.

FlipFlops4Me · 02/10/2021 08:46

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

You did a lovely thing, trying to be nice. However he probably had two whole weeks feeling like a third wheel, missing his wife even more, all the things they can't enjoy and experience together. Every hand hold you had with your husband, every argument, every laugh, every picture etc just reminded him of something he won't ever be able to do again with his wife.

It can feel incredibly depressing and lonely when you are surrounded by couples or even just one.

This, absolutely. I remember when my first husband died and it was exactly like that. A bit like when you're really TTC all you can see are pregnant women and small babies - the newly widowed see happy couples everywhere they look and you don't exactly resent them but oh, the aching sense of total loss.

Looubylou · 02/10/2021 08:54

I wouldn't take him again. Only you 2, know what he was like before, in order to know how likely this is caused by grief or being a Pita. Grief does make people bitter - and 12 months is nothing, having lost your partner. The other explanation is that his true personality was masked when SIL was around - maybe only she knew the true man

Pemba · 02/10/2021 13:57

That is really out of order that he was slagging off his BIL on the holiday the BIL paid for! And you are both obviously grieving your SIL too, so it's unkind.

Saying 'you deserve better' to you is weird too, is there any chance he was coming on to you, do you think?

When I thought it was just the moaning I was a lot more sympathetic to him. I wouldn't confront him though, (he's still suffering his bereavement) just go low contact maybe

ManifestingJoy · 02/10/2021 14:07

You soundclike really good people and he will value that later im sure but right now being away with a couple might have made him feel more alone.

PegasusReturns · 02/10/2021 14:16

Why did he say to deserve better than your OH?

Cherrysoup · 02/10/2021 14:31

Was he trying it on with you?!

squee123 · 02/10/2021 14:32

That's odd. Did it come across as it he was hitting on you? Written down telling you that you deserve better doesn't sound great.

Gardenlass · 02/10/2021 14:36

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

You did a lovely thing, trying to be nice. However he probably had two whole weeks feeling like a third wheel, missing his wife even more, all the things they can't enjoy and experience together. Every hand hold you had with your husband, every argument, every laugh, every picture etc just reminded him of something he won't ever be able to do again with his wife.

It can feel incredibly depressing and lonely when you are surrounded by couples or even just one.

This is exactly what I would say. You tried your best for him but maybe he needs more time, a year isn't very long.