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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL trying to dress DH

31 replies

PJHarvey · 01/10/2021 11:10

So my DH works in a creative industry where people generally wear pretty casual gear. Jeans and a T-shirt or jumper are the norm. He always wears clean clothes and looks neat and well groomed.

The issue is his mother. She regularly makes comments about how he needs to start dressing like an adult, and she keeps buying him formal shirts, ties and trousers. During the summer we went away for a few days (during the heatwave) and she gave him so much grief about bringing shorts with him instead of smart trousers. He was so self conscious we had to go out of our way to go shopping for clothes. Of course once we got to our destination and went out for dinner, the other men were dressed in the kind of casual gear that my DH would normally wear. We weren't going anywhere fancy.

The last time she started making comments (not in front of DH) I pointed out that his workplace was casual and he would look out of place if he dressed up. Still she carries on. He went to see her at the weekend and she had bought yet more shirts for him.

AIBU to find this really annoying and kind of disrespectful to DH?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 01/10/2021 11:12

I would pack them all up and tell her as they’re unworn you’re sending them to charity.

Or he could just tell her to stop and refuse them.

Bluntness100 · 01/10/2021 11:13

It’s up to your husband to deal with, he’s an adult not a child.

Original poster
PJHarvey · 01/10/2021 11:15

DH has told her to stop, but sometimes she gets in his head and makes him feel really self-conscious.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 01/10/2021 11:15

Surely your DH has a voice?

“Mum, stop going on about clothes. There’s nothing wrong with what I’m wearing, and it’s my choice anyway. Take these shirts back.”

GemmaRuby · 01/10/2021 11:15

She sounds like a knob.
But I think your DH might have some issues he needs to address if he actually went and bought new clothes instead of telling his mother he can dress himself.

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2021 11:16

@PJHarvey

DH has told her to stop, but sometimes she gets in his head and makes him feel really self-conscious.
He needs to employ the broken record technique of keeping repeating himself.

After all, that’s what she’s doing.

Do not get involved other than confirming to him that his mum can be ignored on this.

Original poster
PJHarvey · 01/10/2021 11:32

He tends to grumble but then accepts the stuff to keep the peace, I agree he needs to be firmer with her.

I just find her whole attitude odd. It's extremely rare that she would go out for a meal herself, so it's kind of funny that she has such strong views on what people should wear in that situation.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 01/10/2021 11:40

Well if your Dh is too weak to stand up to his mother then maybe you should. Pack up all the stuff she has bought him and bring it round to her house. Tell her you were both doing a clear out, that he hasn't worn it, has no intention of wearing it, therefore you don't need it cluttering up your wardrobes. Tell her you're giving it back in case she knows of anyone else who might make use of it, otherwise you'll drop it off at the charity shop. Then next time she buys him something he won't wear tell him to be the one to hand it back so that she can return it and get her money back.

Toomanyradishes · 01/10/2021 11:43

There are charities that provide smart clothes to people who cant afford them for job interviews etc maybe he could donate them to that. Its hard dealing with a parent who is utterly convinced they know better than you how to be you so your dh (and you) have my sympathy!

junebirthdaygirl · 01/10/2021 11:46

If l did that to either of my sons they would soon put me in my place..very assertively!! Its up to your dh. And they definitely would not wear anything on holidays that they weren't comfortable with.

peboh · 01/10/2021 12:04

He either needs to stop taking the items of clothing, because every time he takes them with him, she sees that as him accepting what she's saying. Or when he takes them make it clear he'll deliver them to a charity shop or something.

Carandi · 01/10/2021 12:12

He needs to tell her, firmly, "mum, putting on a shirt, tie and long trousers does not make me an adult, it makes me uncomfortable and inappropriately dressed for the situation. I'm X years old and am quite capable of dressing myself so please stop with buying me stuff".

JudgeJ · 01/10/2021 12:17

When we were first married my late MIL used to button up his coat and tuck a scarf round his neck, she started doing it with me, I let her then pointedly unfastened the coat, I actually never button a coat! She soon stopped.

MissCreeAnt · 01/10/2021 12:21

Well yes, but by getting involved you'd be as bad as she is, arguing and stressing over what a grown man wears. Leave this one to him. And if you really can't, reflect on why.

Whatamesssss · 01/10/2021 12:30

Oh God, I bet he used to have "outfits" when he was a boy. Possibly with a jaunty bowtie.

He is not a doll and doesn't need dressing.

His mum is weird.

Aprilx · 01/10/2021 12:38

Not something I would get involved with or waste my time even thinking about.

girlmom21 · 01/10/2021 12:40

He needs to just grow a pair and decline the clothes.

HikingforScenery · 01/10/2021 12:52

It’s not for you to deal with it as if your DH is a child.
His mum is buying him clothes he doesn’t want and his wife wants to Confused fight his battles.

MintJulia · 01/10/2021 12:55

Yanbu. But on the other hand, he's a big boy, he should be able to say a firm 'no thanks' by now.
I'd stay out of it or you'll be blamed.

Original poster
PJHarvey · 01/10/2021 13:03

@HikingforScenery

It’s not for you to deal with it as if your DH is a child. His mum is buying him clothes he doesn’t want and his wife wants to Confused fight his battles.
I'm not saying I want to fight his battles. I'm saying it's annoying and odd and I wanted to get some other views on it, that's all.
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2021 13:06

Your husband needs to grow a backbone and put his controlling mother in her place. I would find his timidity very unattractive and frustrating.

5zeds · 01/10/2021 13:07

Next time it happens tell her you find her annoying and odd and that if he critiqued her dress sense and forced “better” options on her people would rightly describe him as abusive and tell him his mother can wear what she likes as she’s a grown woman.

Then sit back and see what happens.

seaandsandcastles · 01/10/2021 13:08

YANBU but it’s not your business. If it makes him uncomfortable he needs to say something.

RickJames · 01/10/2021 13:52

My mum buys my DH awful things. Stuff that looks like 'man at C&A' from the 90's, beige, grey, navy... the sort of thing my uncle in his late 60's wears to go to a carvery. I've commanded her to stop Grin

It sounds like your MIL is quite domineering and has a picture in her mind of what she wants her son to be/ look like. Would he be interested in a few sessions with a therapist to unpick the relationship a bit? It sounds very enmeshed and unhealthy. And its sad he gets rattled by her.

My mum is just used to men having no idea or interest in clothing and leaving it up to their wives to choose/ purchase them bland clothing. She thinks she's doing us a huge favour which is odd because DH spends quite a bit on clothes and likes bright colours and trendy labels. She cannot seem to differentiate between reality and what she believes. A real blind spot.

MumW · 01/10/2021 14:04

Start buying 'old' lady outfits from charity shops for her and tell her should should start dressing her age?
🙄👵🤣

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