To expect adults to help

[HoopyGirl]

I have an elderly and somewhat unwell gran. My mum, her siblings and I take turns bringing her & having dinner with her. This means someone is there at least once a day and she doesn’t need to cook for her self - which is getting unsafe for her to do so. I currently do dinner every Friday - on occasions we swap days about if people have plans. It works pretty well.

I have an older brother (31) and an older cousin (33) who rarely visit (despite living locally) never help with her care/ offer her lifts to family events etc. They do always ask and show an interest in her and we all had a great relationship with her, they just lost interest when she started to decline.

Anyway, I’m 33 weeks pregnant, have a split pelvis and on track to have a 9.5lb baby (which is huge when you’re petite!). I put a message on our family chat yesterday evening informing the family that although I intend continue with my Friday dinners, and normal visits during the week I’m very aware that there may come a time that I won’t be able to (I already can’t take her out anymore as she needs too much assistance) and when baby does arrive I’d like to pass on the responsibility to brother & cousin for a short period. Essentially asking them to spend 1-2 hours a fortnight with gran.

Neither of them have replied or acknowledged the message.

YABU - they shouldn’t help out
YANBU - of course they should help out for a month or so.

Your situation does sound difficult with pregnancy etc!

However I think a WhatsApp message (without discussing it with them / asking them before unless you just didn't mention this in the OP) into a family group chat telling them you expect them to take over your responsibilities is a BU. I wouldn't be happy with someone doing that to me! You're never fully aware of their situations either, and tbh (it's a crappy crappy view) but it's not their responsibility to ensure that it gets done.

Is there the option for some home help to pop in to see her? Or something like Wiltshire farm foods where she doesn't have to prep the meal? Or potentially a meals on wheels service?

You choose to spend time with your grandmother. They choose not to. None of you are obliged to do it. You could have contacted them individually and asked if they'd mind helping out. Saying you'd like to pass on the role to them on a group chat was a bit much and if it were me I'd ignore it too.

I would have spoken to them first, I find messaging difficult with the loss of intonation etc. I do feel they should step up especially as it’s only very couple of weeks for an hour or two.

Out of interest are your Mums siblings women and is the cousin a man? I find it’s often the women in a family that end up doing all or most of the caring.

They should help out, but may be time to fund raise among everyone for professional home help or have social services assessment for council provided home help. I think I would not have messaged them on family chat like that. You not only presented the problem, but dictated a solution that they do what you did. They may not have the time or resources to do exactly what you did.
Maybe schedule a family face time or something to discuss ongoing care for your GM?

They have no obligation to help.

It would be nice if they did but you can’t make them.

You can't really put pressure on them in a group chat like that - that's unfair - and you don't get to choose who does and doesn't help out unfortunately.

You're not unreasonable to want someone to step in while you can't help, and it's lovely that you do so much.

And if you messaged me imposing your solution on me and effectively ordering me what I’d be doing you’d get a swift fuck off.

Well if they were decent, they would be helping already. They wouldn’t need to be asked. You won’t get anywhere with them. If they do do anything it will be half arsed at best.

I also think YABU. Yes it would be nice of them to help out, but ultimately it's not their responsibility. If they haven't shown any interest before, it's unlikely they will now.

Could your gran hire some home help? What's the longer term plan for her care if her health declines further?

I wouldn’t be thrilled to receive a message telling me to do that. Odds on l would ignore it as well. Do you know they don’t have their own challenges going on? I have known people make those kind assumptions about me, e.g. El doesn’t seem busy so she can do it. When in reality l work full time, lm working towards a qualification and about to do more ivf. You don’t always know what is going in peoples lives

That’s a good point. No one knows the full story of what I have going on in my life atm.

You’d have been better to ring and talk to people than sent a snitty message in a group WhatsApp.

Sorry but YABU. It would be nice if people wanted to help, but it should not be expected.

Yanbu, they should help, I would call them individually to ask rather than a message though.

Yeah I wouldn't have been too impressed to receive a message like that - expecting me to take over. Especially on a group chat, I'd be likely to ignore it too.

You can ask of course, but demanding is wrong. So I'd say YABU.
They may not be able to take on the responsibility, not everyone has a flexible schedule to just be there every Friday - and you haven't exactly asked if they're available.

I used to work with a lady who drove over 100 miles away every weekend to help her elderly mother when her 8 siblings and numerous nieces/nephews lived in the same town as her mother but would barely ever visit.

It is frustrating when other family members don't want to help out, but unfortunately you can't make them. YANBU to be annoyed by it, and personally I don't feel it is unreasonable for you to ask in a group chat for someone to take over your days whilst you are unable but then again I am the sort of person who would be helping out anyway.

Are you over extending yourself when she really needs professional care?

You can’t make anyone else pitch in. But you can step back.

No harm in a general “could anyone help out here” but singling out specific people and mandating what they do and when they do it? Nope, that’s not ok.

YANBU! Anyone can ask after someone and feel concern! You have only let your male family members know the sort of things they could begin to do to put their concern into action when it becomes too difficult for you to continue. Of course no one is obliged to do kind things and help out an elderly close relative, but it Doesn’t even seem to cross lots of men’s minds that they could help out with the things they see their mums/sisters/aunties etc do all the time.

I think the way you approached this wasn't ideal and ultimately, no one has the responsibility of providing care to elderly relatives.

When my grandmother was unwell we did have a rota but we ended up having to bring in professional carers as to be honest, people are busy and they just couldn't commit to regular times due to work/other obligations.

From what you have said I think it is time to look into professional care so visits by family are just that. Resentment can build quickly and you never want your grandmother to pick up on that as mine did.

I had a health condition at the time that a lot of the family didn't know about which meant I just couldn't commit to regular care and being brutally honest here, after doing it for my grandmother I never will again.

Oh dear- I understand the sentiment of wanting them to help your grandmother, and it would be nice if they would. However, you don’t get to dictate what other people do and when they do it. For instance, I work shifts and there is no way I could commit to every second Wednesday or Friday, or whatever. I’m not saying their lack of input to the family rota is because of other commitments, as I’ve no idea of their circumstances. It could also be they just don’t want to, or don’t want to commit on a set in stone basis. Or can’t be bothered. Just because you and other family members feel it’s the best/right thing, doesn’t mean others feel the same.

The problem with sending a message in this way- essentially telling them you have decided that they will do this without consultation- is it is more likely to make them dig their heels in and ignore you. I would. I’d be very annoyed at the arrogance of the assumption that my relative thought they could impose a commitment on me (however worthy that commitment was) at their whim. I’d probably ignore your message and wait for a proper conversation to be initiated. Had you called me and said “could you please do this because I won’t be able to”, I would consider it, if it was possible for me to do so.

Lots of families employ carers to cover at least part of the duties. Or ask social services to assess the persons needs to provide extra support. Maybe this is something your family could look at?

Thanks for everyone comments.

I haven’t sent a message to the group chat - an aunty suggested I send a message to that effect and I thought it might come across a bit abrupt, wanted to check the general consensus first!

I will send a general “can anyone take over Friday dinners” when I’m unable to do so myself.

Personally think they are sh*te for not helping out in the first place anyway.

No way I’d respond if you put that in a group chat!

Also, do they agree with this course of action? At one point I had to say to my mum that I would not have anything to do with my grandmothers care. I felt the time had come where it was not in her best interest to stay at home any longer and should go into care. My mum couldn’t ‘let go’ so it took longer than it should have to get her there but meanwhile I would not do anything that facilitated a situation I personally didn’t agree with.

when baby does arrive I’d like to pass on the responsibility to brother & cousin for a short period. Essentially asking them to spend 1-2 hours a fortnight with gran.

YABU - you called out your brother and cousin in a family group chat and wonder why they chose not to respond to you?

It would be one thing to put out a general "I need to scale back my time with gran when baby is born. Is anyone able to commit to taking over Friday dinners for a while?" or even something like "From X date I can't commit to Friday dinners, is anyone able to take over? Brother, Cousin can you cover a couple of weeks?" and another to basically say "Brother, Cousin you have to take over Friday dinners because I have decided that since you haven't taken on the responsibility yet, you have to do it"

When my gran was getting more frail before she moved into a care home, who looked after her u tol she passed away, some of the family were able to make a similar arrangement to make sure someone was visiting her daily, checking in with the carers etc but it just wasn't practical for some of us to offer that level of support.

I work late shifts in a supermarket (and my hours can change week by week based on need) so I couldn't commit to a specific day every week. I always have Mondays off but because of that I usually have half a dozen appointments booked (along with all my housework/grocery shopping etc) and so adding in an hour round trip on the bus to see my gran was not something I could commit to every week

"I put a message on our family chat yesterday evening informing the family that although I intend continue with my Friday dinners, and normal visits during the week I’m very aware that there may come a time that I won’t be able to (I already can’t take her out anymore as she needs too much assistance) and when baby does arrive I’d like to pass on the responsibility to brother & cousin for a short period. Essentially asking them to spend 1-2 hours a fortnight with gran.

Neither of them have replied or acknowledged the message."

"I haven’t sent a message to the group chat - an aunty suggested I send a message to that effect and I thought it might come across a bit abrupt, wanted to check the general consensus first!"

@HoopyGirl well which is it? 🤔 is your OP a lie or your update?!

What @smallybells said.

Did you put the message in the group chat last night or have you not done it yet? Which is the lie?