To expect adults to help

[HoopyGirl]

I have an elderly and somewhat unwell gran. My mum, her siblings and I take turns bringing her & having dinner with her. This means someone is there at least once a day and she doesn’t need to cook for her self - which is getting unsafe for her to do so. I currently do dinner every Friday - on occasions we swap days about if people have plans. It works pretty well.

I have an older brother (31) and an older cousin (33) who rarely visit (despite living locally) never help with her care/ offer her lifts to family events etc. They do always ask and show an interest in her and we all had a great relationship with her, they just lost interest when she started to decline.

Anyway, I’m 33 weeks pregnant, have a split pelvis and on track to have a 9.5lb baby (which is huge when you’re petite!). I put a message on our family chat yesterday evening informing the family that although I intend continue with my Friday dinners, and normal visits during the week I’m very aware that there may come a time that I won’t be able to (I already can’t take her out anymore as she needs too much assistance) and when baby does arrive I’d like to pass on the responsibility to brother & cousin for a short period. Essentially asking them to spend 1-2 hours a fortnight with gran.

Neither of them have replied or acknowledged the message.

YABU - they shouldn’t help out
YANBU - of course they should help out for a month or so.

It’s lovely that you have chosen to take on a caring responsibility for your gran.
But it’s up to everyone else to decide whether or not they want to. And they obviously don’t want to.

If you gran needs consistent and regular support then it might be better to organise something permanent (meals on wheels etc). And then visits from others will be an added bonus, not something she is reliant on.

"Neither of them have replied or acknowleged the message"

If you hadn't messaged how could they?

The “no reply” is because I wouldn’t expect them to reply to a message like that - which seems to be how a lot of people would react too.

I have not sent a message on the family chat - like I said I wanted to see what the general option of a message like that would be.

@SeasonFinale exactly, how can someone read and respond to a message that wasn’t sent

I think you need to read through your own OP again OP!
You said you sent the message yesterday and there has been no acknowledgment or reply.

Neither of them have replied or acknowledged the message.

So you did not send a message to them and neither of them have replied to the message which you did not send ...................

@GemmaRuby
I am aware of what I wrote.

I was describing a fictional scenario after a discussion with an aunty, using it as a way to get responses and advise from the wonderful world of mumsnet.

Well as you’ve already lied on here I’m not sure what to actually believe but in general with any care of the elderly situations it’s entirely up to the individual how much help and care they provide .

No need to get snippy. You didn’t say it was a fictional scenario and we’re not mind readers.

@GemmaRuby
Wasn’t trying to be snippy, just explaining myself.

Apologies.

I am a little bit confused about if you think they won’t reply, why you are still going to send the message?

Did you see my earlier reply about perhaps arranging something more permanent (meals on wheels etc) and then visits from others will be a bonus, not something your gran is reliant on.

Not everyone can (or wants to) have a weekly commitment. And once the baby is here, you might not able to either, even after the few months you’re planning to have off.

Hope you get it sorted anyway.

Right, so your first post wasn't a lie but 'a description of a fictional situation'.

That's a new one. I must remember it 😂

[quote HoopyGirl]@GemmaRuby
I am aware of what I wrote.

I was describing a fictional scenario after a discussion with an aunty, using it as a way to get responses and advise from the wonderful world of mumsnet.[/quote]
Instead of making up "fictional scenarios" you could have just asked for help wording the message.

Or at least made it clear that we were responding to fiction

Phone them and ask for their help, and stop making up threads painting yourself as a martyr and everyone else as a villan. That's a really weird thing to do.

You could send a message to the group stating that due to pregnancy etc etc etc... you are no longer in a position to help on Friday/other visits etc etc.

Then leave it as that. Don't ask questions. Just drop the rope and let them sort it or not sort it.

Out of interest is it just the women who help and two men who don’t?

@Squirrelblanket

Right, so your first post wasn't a lie but 'a description of a fictional situation'.

That's a new one. I must remember it 😂

Not quite a reverse. Not quite real either.

Strange.

YWBU to tell someone else how they must spend their Friday evening.
YWNBU to ask if they have capacity to help. They are quite entitled to say no. Not everyone is in a position to do what you have done for a multitude of reasons.

[quote HoopyGirl]@GemmaRuby
I am aware of what I wrote.

I was describing a fictional scenario after a discussion with an aunty, using it as a way to get responses and advise from the wonderful world of mumsnet.[/quote]
So made up?

Isn’t that pretty much what trolling is?

They may have other commitments. Or demanding jobs, families they can’t leave to provide care to an elderly great aunt/grandmother.

It sounds like you (and/or other relatives) decided to take on all the extra caring responsibilities yourselves, rather than paying for meals on wheels or equivalent, setting up a care package. Can’t one of the people already involved in her care step up to fill in your days? Not unreasonable to say you can’t manage but unrealistic to expect previously uninvolved relatives to help at short notice.

What will happen if your grandmother needs more help over time eg toileting, bathing, someone to do her laundry and cleaning?

Your brother and cousin may want to spend time keeping her company without the hassle of providing hot meals and eating with her, presumably washing up etc.

Op, you lied expecting everyone to agree with you and call your family members selfish bastards, but because it's blown up and shown you as being a crank you've changed the original story to 'hypothetical'..

Seems you're a piece of work!

So you're annoyed about the fact that they haven't replied to your original message? Obviously, YABU.

It's really nice that you do this for your gran. But it's up to your brother and cousin what they do. It doesn't make them bad people that they don't want to do more.