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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive husband will change for new partner?

46 replies

Helpplease101 · 01/10/2021 08:40

So my exdh has been away from me for 3.5 years. He was very violent physically and emotionally abusive. Really awful to me. My ex now has remarried and is still being so unkind to me. I grey rock him most of the time but he is unkind at every opportunity. Critical of my parenting etc. He has just decided to cut my child maintenance money to less than legally allowed. So I will go via the child support agency for this instead. Just to give you background of how unkind he is. That same week he rocked up in a brand new Tesla and earns a very high wage. His new wife and him live in a very nice home and have a very comfortable life. I did warn via a friend of hers that he is violent but was told that there are two sides etc.... Should I be warning this woman? Is he going to change for her? This guy put me through 15 years of abuse. I've never met her btw

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpplease101 · 01/10/2021 08:42

I don't want to come across as bitter and to be honest it scares the heck out of me to even warn her. He will come for me for sure

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 01/10/2021 08:45

I don't blame you at all for wanting to warn her, but it's unlikely to have much impact. After all, from her point of view you stayed with him for 15 years. He's probably being his best self with her as he was with you in the early stages of your relationship.

If you'd been loved up with him at the beginning, would you have been open to hearing from his ex that he was violent? He'd just put all of it on her, and probably make you think that she was the problem.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/10/2021 08:47

She won't believe you, sadly.

Sunshinealligator · 01/10/2021 08:47

It will have no impact if you warn her, it'll just make your life harder.

However, no in my view, people like this do not change.
They may appear to, and the way thru abuse may change, but the relationship she has with him is bound to be abusive.

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/10/2021 08:48

They don’t change, no but I think there’s little point in warning her - she’ll write you off as a bitter Ex, until the honeymoon phase passes and he starts on her.

DFOD · 01/10/2021 08:53

What can you do to protect YOURSELF from his ongoing punishment, games and abuse?

It’s still going on and degrading you - which will also hurt your DCs because you are preoccupied and eroded.

What support, help or strategies do you have in place to heal? It seems that focusing on someone you have never met about abuse you don’t know is happening is possibly an avoidant behaviour of looking at the trauma you endured and continue to do so.

Think about you xxxxx

Fireflygal · 01/10/2021 08:54

It won't make a difference to her unfortunately. He will have successfully smeared you.

I suspect dropping the money is a tactic to provoke you into a reaction.

An adult is highly unlikely to change. Did they marry quickly? It's often after marriage that the change begins but does depend on power balance..I.e if she has access to money.

Also if he is incapable of treating you with kindness then that shows he hasn't changed.

MrsBobDylan · 01/10/2021 08:56

If they are already married then it's too late, plus you tried by giving her friend the heads up.

Are you worried that if he isn't violent with her, it would mean it was your fault that he hurt you?

That is quite a natural thing to worry about when you are out of an dv relationship. He abused and coerced you for so long, you came to believe you 'made it happen'.

You didn't do anything wrong, he is horrible and should be locked up for what he did to you, the utter bastard.

purpleme12 · 01/10/2021 08:59

It sounds like you already have tried to warn via a friend?

Comedycook · 01/10/2021 09:02

I'd imagine he's putting on a good act at the moment, but the mask will slip eventually. Agree with pp, she won't believe you

Queenie6655 · 01/10/2021 09:04

Awful man

Grey rock

Legal advice

Head held high

Fck these kind of people

Sounds like you are much better off now in many ways xxxx

Queenie6655 · 01/10/2021 09:04

Ps they get worse with time

They don't change

(My experience mainly )

superplumb · 01/10/2021 09:06

@Helpplease101

So my exdh has been away from me for 3.5 years. He was very violent physically and emotionally abusive. Really awful to me. My ex now has remarried and is still being so unkind to me. I grey rock him most of the time but he is unkind at every opportunity. Critical of my parenting etc. He has just decided to cut my child maintenance money to less than legally allowed. So I will go via the child support agency for this instead. Just to give you background of how unkind he is. That same week he rocked up in a brand new Tesla and earns a very high wage. His new wife and him live in a very nice home and have a very comfortable life. I did warn via a friend of hers that he is violent but was told that there are two sides etc.... Should I be warning this woman? Is he going to change for her? This guy put me through 15 years of abuse. I've never met her btw
Ime violent men dont change. It may take him a while to show his true self but ultimately his new partner will likely be assaulted ( of you believe statistics). You could warn her but be prepared to jot be believed. Well done for getting out if the relationship.. so many women dont have the strength after being pulled down for so long
Triffid1 · 01/10/2021 09:07

It's too late to warn her now and she didn't listen to the indirect warning before. Because I guarantee, that if she's on here, she's posting about how her DP's crazy ex tells lies about him, is bleeding him dry for money, etc etc etc. Because he will have been telling her absolute bollocks for the entire term of their relationship. This man manipulated you to stay for as long as you did even while he was violent against you. Imagine how much better at manipulation he is when he's NOT being violent?

Every time he criticises you or your parenting, just remind yourself that he's the one who is a violent pig and that therefore nothing he says to and about you is valid.

Theunamedcat · 01/10/2021 09:12

Nope leave her to it she has already been warned via a friend so she is on notice plus she possibly knows he has cut the child support and personally I wouldn't be with someone who did that

vampirethriller · 01/10/2021 09:15

They don't change. He might hide it for a while, like he probably did with you at the start.

NightVinca · 01/10/2021 09:16

You've already warned her via the friend so have tried. If she's told the friend there's 2 sides there's not much more you can do

Original poster
Helpplease101 · 01/10/2021 09:16

They got married really quickly. Didn't even tell his own children. He has had two accounts of people calling the police for his anger since we have been apart. Once at the school when he directed it towards teachers and once in his home (not directed at his wife as she wasn't present) a neighbour called because of shouting. I feel so stuck as this guy traumatised me for years and still won't leave me alone. I never rock the boat with him as I just don't trust him. I did call the police once on him but he convinced the police woman that I was being hysterical and she at the time told me it's wiser to not make an official complaint. She said someone would come back to take a statement and they never did. This guy had previously fractured my skull. I'm so scared of him and very intimidated. I got away and hoped for a peaceful life. Its seems that isn't going to happen. He really upset me yesterday making up lies that my children are unhappy with me. I spoke to them and it was complete fabrication. I'm just not in a great place right now. I do worry for the new wife.

OP posts:
Kindertonguehappierlife · 01/10/2021 09:17

He won’t change.
Thinking he will be different with another woman makes it seem like you blame yourself for his behaviour towards you

Original poster
Helpplease101 · 01/10/2021 09:18

Yes I know I could have made a fuss with the police but I was an abused woman. I always thought it was my fault. Its a very confusing and scary time when you have your ex threatening suicide because you left him. I didn't want to cause further hurt I just wanted peace.

OP posts:
Mumoblue · 01/10/2021 09:19

No, he won’t change. As much as you’d like to warn the new wife, it’s very unlikely she’ll listen to you as he’s probably told her a bunch of nonsense about you. You already tried to reach out through a friend, I think you’ve done all you can.

The best thing for you is to keep as much distance as you can from him, even if that means not warning the new wife.

Original poster
Helpplease101 · 01/10/2021 09:19

I guess I do think something Is very very wrong with me you are right

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 01/10/2021 09:20

Just stop thinking he is anything to do with you. You've already tried to warn her. Just stay out of it. It's nothing to do with you and you are just making drama when it isn't needed. Concentrate on getting some self esteem.

Triffid1 · 01/10/2021 09:22

He really upset me yesterday making up lies that my children are unhappy with me. I spoke to them and it was complete fabrication.

OP, I actually see this as a really positive two sentences. Because while he's still able to upset you which is obviously not ideal, he isn't able to get the children to lie for him and they are clearly not in agreement. You are doing a great job. Now you just have to keep working on dismissing his ridiculous comments as much as you can and letting them slide straight over you. Not easy, I know.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 01/10/2021 09:23

She’ll find out herself soon enough. Grey rock him and ignore.

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