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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Abusive husband will change for new partner?

46 replies

Helpplease101 · 01/10/2021 08:40

So my exdh has been away from me for 3.5 years. He was very violent physically and emotionally abusive. Really awful to me. My ex now has remarried and is still being so unkind to me. I grey rock him most of the time but he is unkind at every opportunity. Critical of my parenting etc. He has just decided to cut my child maintenance money to less than legally allowed. So I will go via the child support agency for this instead. Just to give you background of how unkind he is. That same week he rocked up in a brand new Tesla and earns a very high wage. His new wife and him live in a very nice home and have a very comfortable life. I did warn via a friend of hers that he is violent but was told that there are two sides etc.... Should I be warning this woman? Is he going to change for her? This guy put me through 15 years of abuse. I've never met her btw

OP posts:

Embroidery · 01/10/2021 09:27

Its good you warned her because otherwise it just reinforces his power.
Warn her again if you can. I think women should stick together more. That's whats so great about MN. Before MN abuse seemed isolated and just for me. We will win better if we have each others backs and the patriachy has always sought to separate women.

Also.protect yourself and take care x

Keke94LND · 01/10/2021 09:28

People like this don't change, but unfortunately warning people doesn't usually work, people need to see things for themselves before they walk away, unfortunately, and he will just make out that you are a crazy ex. I'm thankful you were able to get away from him! Hopefully she can too one day

MegaClutterSlut · 01/10/2021 09:28

You tried warning her through a friend its up to her if she listens or not. He can only hide who he is really is for so long. There is nothing wrong with you, its all him. Don't let him take over your life

Original poster

Helpplease101 · 01/10/2021 09:28

I genuinely have no malice towards this woman. I just don't want her to go through what I did

OP posts:

DFOD · 01/10/2021 09:31

@Helpplease101

I genuinely have no malice towards this woman. I just don't want her to go through what I did

You are still going through it lovely. He is still punishing you. You likely have complex PTSD from the 15 years you were with him - have you had any professional support for that?

Original poster

Helpplease101 · 01/10/2021 09:32

No I havent I think I could do with some

OP posts:

Whywhenwhat · 01/10/2021 09:42

This woman is an adult and makes her own choices. You have done all you can. Please do not contact her in any way or get other people to, you could end up on the wrong side of a harassment warning from the police and that will make him the victim. Hold your head high, ignore as much as possible and appreciate what a huge thing you did getting yourself and your children away from him.

Staryflight445 · 01/10/2021 10:02

She’s an adult op and is already clearly ignoring red flags (the way he treats you, I bet he tells her you’re the crazy ex).

Leave them to it, he’ll show her who he is soon enough and she’ll be a fool to stick by him when he does.

FOJN · 01/10/2021 10:17

I just don't want her to go through what I did

You've done your bit and tried to warn her, there is nothing else you can do. Your priority now should be looking after yourself.

If it helps at all I married a man who had been arrested for DV against a previous partner, he gave a very plausible account (to my naive, never experienced DV self) of the events which lead to the arrest and I believed him. He started with emotional/psychological abuse of me and escalated to physical intimidation. I could see the writing was on the wall and knew I'd made a mistake. The marriage only lasted 3 years so I was spared decades of abuse because of the warning his previous arrest provided.

Iooselipssinkships · 01/10/2021 11:15

As previous posters have said she won't believe you unfortunately. My ex went to prison due to his abuse of me, it was really severe. His ex, with whom he shares a child, got back together with him while he was serving his sentence. Even though he had been violent and abused her in their previous relationship she stood by him and said I was lying, that I lied to police and lied in court. This was after he'd pleaded guilty so it goes to show just how manipulative they can be. Sadly your ex's new partner will have to go through it herself and even then there's a chance she might not believe you. But what's important to remember OP, is that she is not your responsibility! She really isn't. You did what you could and now you owe her nothing more. Stay strong OP!

RealBecca · 01/10/2021 11:19

Get him out of your head. Its not your lookout.

Id be cutting out any friend who undermined my lived abuse experience and minimised it by saying 2 sides to a story.

Sylvvie · 01/10/2021 11:20

I can assure you that your abuser will NOT change for someone else, no matter how amazing this person appears to be. An adult age abuser will 99.9% always be an abuser, they just get more clever in the ways they abuse e.g. they may kerb the violence and switch to psychological abuse. In their mind it "proves" that their last victim is spitting lies about being hit because they stop hitting and hide that they ever used violence, but they cannot help exerting control and causing trauma to their partners. It is incredibly rare for an abuser to suddenly stop and takes nothing short of a miracle, even on top of extensive therapy.

However, instead of focusing on his wife and whether he is still violent and abusive, I honestly think you need to go to therapy and deal with the issues being in an abusive relationship has brought. You think you are the issue and that you deserved to be treated they way you did but you do not, under any circumstances. 15 years is a significant portion of your life to have to endure something like this for and will take a lot of work to deal with, but I absolutely recommend doing it.

On top of that, the Freedom Programme is a godsend, even if you complete it many years after you left your abuser.

vivainsomnia · 01/10/2021 11:25

If they are now married, she clearly had done time to make her own mind up. It's not like it's a new relationship.

He's messing you about with maintenance and you've already warned her. The timing will of course come up as you trying to have a go back at him.

Stay away from them. You are not responsible for her choices and decisions. Let it to.

DFOD · 01/10/2021 11:41

@Helpplease101

No I havent I think I could do with some

Really this is where your focus should be. He may have left but there are scars and wounds that you are still holding and these will be impacting your life (and he is still tormenting and abusing you).

There is no way that you have come out of 15 years of sustained emotional and physical abuse without injury.

You deserve professional support and to be healed.

WildfirePonie · 01/10/2021 12:08

Can you only contact him via email only? And only to sort out the kids. Do you even need to speak to him at all?

You don't need to read or listen to anything else he says.

He will show his true colours soon enough to his new wife. Don't warn her, she won't believe you anyway.

Rainbowheart1 · 01/10/2021 12:13

Not your monkeys, there is nothing you can do and you’ve already tried through a friend.

That’s that.

Now what about you? Concentrate on what you want and what’s best for you, you deserve that.

2catsandhappy · 01/10/2021 12:18

I think I recall you writing about this before. My apologies if I am mistaken.

I can see this is really bothering you. You have done your very best to warn her. You risked upsetting your ex to warn her, you were very brave. I would say to save your strength for yourself now.
It is great you know the grey rock technique. Maybe picture his words as air filled bubbles bouncing off you.

Notaroadrunner · 01/10/2021 12:20

I wouldn't bother. You've already tried. When he starts on her at least she knows he has history and she can choose what to do for herself. You need to concentrate on helping yourself. Keep contact with him to the bare minimum - about kids access. Ignore any other messages he sends to try and annoy you. Get some counselling for yourself asap as you have been through hell and will need help to come through that.

Original poster

Helpplease101 · 01/10/2021 12:35

Thank you all. I will take the advice in board. I think this week I'm just extra sensitive hearing the account of Sarah Everard and Sabina Nessa. I don't want anymore women to be hurt by men.

OP posts:

FreedomFaith · 01/10/2021 12:38

@purpleme12

It sounds like you already have tried to warn via a friend?

This and she didn't believe you. Leave her to it, he won't have changed.

Comingup · 01/10/2021 12:42

You've done all you can. I was in a relationship where he told me he'd been accused of abuse,social services involved etc. But he was so plausible, such believable defence and was such a sensitive gentleman I believed him, and thought he'd been a victim of his ex's abuse. That's how good he was at lying.A few years fown the line and there was his true self..vile,abusive,paranoid, and there was I needing help from WA to get out. Sadly I wouldn't and couldnt see it at first. You look after you OP, that's all you can do.

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