Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell friend that its hard keeping up with the twice weekly phone calls..

33 replies

Loganberry6 · 30/09/2021 22:40

Nc for this. I feel so terrible about this.
I have a very good friend, she's one of the most genuine people I know. She supported me through a really tough time and I'm forever grateful to her. I send her gifts through the post, we pop in to see her whenever I can, and she was the only person I wanted to be DDs god daughter. She treats us like family.
I'm just struggling with the phone calls.. We speak twice in the phone each week and it's never a quick catch up, the call usually lasts over an hour, which I wouldn't mind normally, but she's a responsive talker and I do most of the conversation making.
She normally likes to call me around 8pm and it's just my entire evening gone.. I've tried doing hands free whilst I'm doing stuff whilst on the phone to her, but I'm so easily distracted that I find it hard to focus by that time of the evening.
I've not managed to speak to her this week and it's stressing me out as and keeps asking when I'm free to talk. We've spoken during lunch breaks too and it's my entire break just gone.
It makes me feel anxious when I know we need to speak as I know it's just going to be a long phone call.
I'm a single parent to a pre school aged child. My only time to destress is in the evenings.
I'm so very grateful to have her as a friend and for everything she's ever done for me but finding it really hard to keep up with the phone calls and find myself now making excuses to delay our calls.
How do I politely start reducing the frequency of the calls without coming across as an ungrateful cow?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loganberry6 · 30/09/2021 22:41

God mother*

OP posts:
WhatAShilohPitt · 30/09/2021 22:44

I think you just need to be fairly upfront and say you don’t have enough news to chat for several hours and you are really struggling to find time to yourself. Any other reason will be something she’ll find an excuse for. I.e if you don’t pick up as you are ‘out’ she’ll just call the next day.

allsorts1 · 30/09/2021 22:48

I think just stop answering and message - so sorry couldn't pick up, will give you a bell tomorrow if that's ok? Then when tomorrow comes say that sorry absolutely knackered tonight so can't do a call but let's see each other this weekend. Just become very flakey and unavailable with the phone calls but suggest alternate catch ups that you do actually want to do.

Eventually you'll hopefully break the habit of the evening calls and they'll simmer down to a manageable level for you.

LagneyandCasey · 30/09/2021 22:57

Could you get the calls down to one a week and speak for a shorter time. It might not be so daunting then. Talk for 10 minutes then say you have to go as you've got hair dye/mask to rinse out or something cooking that needs attention.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 30/09/2021 23:05

If you make most of the conversation, can't you control how long the calls are?

ThinWomansBrain · 30/09/2021 23:12

If she is responding to you, and you have to initiate the conversation, it's tons easier to cut short or keep to 15 minutes than if she was talking at you for an hour.
You're in control of the conversation, just wind it up sooner.

Rooksink · 30/09/2021 23:28

But you're doing most of the talking aren't you?

AlthoughTheyFlyByJumboJet · 30/09/2021 23:37

That sounds awful! I don't speak to anyone on the phone for nearly that long or that often.

You have two options: First, you could tell her that while you enjoy catching up, the long talks are leaving you with too little time for yourself and what you need to do around the house. You'd prefer shorter chats, and that's okay!

Second option: If you're the one keeping the conversation going, trail off after a little while, then wrap things up (been lovely talking, need to go do xyz, talk again soon, etc.). If she has something important to say, she can speak up.

ItsNotMeAnymore · 01/10/2021 00:50

That sounds awful. I’d hate to spend that long in the phone. I didn’t understand why you can’t just make the calls shorter and more infrequent.

Samuraisammy · 01/10/2021 01:13

Be busier for one call, call back later in week so it ends up being just one. Then gradually drop that. I went from a friend that used to call all hours of the day to now just talking on txt or the odd phone call. A chat about it will make her feel rejected.

ofwarren · 01/10/2021 01:21

I've Asperger's so I might be totally wrong, but if you are the one that has to do the talking, why can't you wrap up the conversation earlier?
"I'm going to have to be off Jennifer, as I really wanted to watch a film tonight. Lovely talking to you, speak soon". ?

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 01/10/2021 01:25

Speak for 5 minutes instead.

"lovely to have a quick catch up Sarah, got to go now. Speak soon. Bye"

SisforSoppy · 01/10/2021 01:36

If you are the one doing most of the talking just stop. I have a friend a bit like that only it’s her that does all the talking….the conversations can go on for over 2 hours. I only ever pick up if I’m in the car, abd if I get home I just say I need to go as I’m home and the DC need me. I don’t think I’d be as direct to tell her you don’t have time. I’d stop talking and then after several long silences say ‘I’m tired and don’t have much to say tonight’ or id ring my doorbell or id say I can’t chat tonight. Mostly I just don’t pick up the phone if it doesn’t suit.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 01/10/2021 01:45

If she really is a good friend and you want to keep being friends then don't be flaky and phase off with excuses, just be honest and open with her. Tell her you're finding long phone calls draining and would prefer to have shorter chats, not that you don't want to catch up with her, but you want to be on the phone less. It's perfectly reasonable to say it and if she cares about you she will understand. A long phone call doesn't reflect the quality of the friendship - shorter calls are just as good!

Lovinghannah · 01/10/2021 08:15

"I'm sorry I just don't have the time to talk that I used to. Can we cut it down to once a week?"

Original poster
Loganberry6 · 01/10/2021 08:37

So I am the conversation maker because I feel like I have a duty to her because she helped me through a really tough time and I feel bad and guilty I guess. Don't get me wrong she's a big big talker once the conversation is flowing but it's just me asking all the questions etc. I have spoken to her in my break before when I only had half an hour and it took up my entire break and I said I had to go.. The intonation in her voice was like oh OK then.. I felt guilty.
I can't explain it.
I just feel pressured to speak to her, one phone call a week of about 30 minutes max would do it.
I guess I keep up with it because of duty and guilt. I do like talking to her but it's just too much.

OP posts:
LastGirlSanding · 01/10/2021 08:52

I think you need to consider that if this carries on your resentment will build to the point you just don’t want to be friends with her at all or you’ll lose your temper and be unable to express your frustration effectively.

It’s ok to put a boundary in place even if someone has done a lot for you. Friendships should be give and take and based on mutual sharing - right now she is taking a lot of energy from you. Duty and guilt are not good reasons to let this continue.

Spindrifting · 01/10/2021 08:55

@Loganberry6

So I am the conversation maker because I feel like I have a duty to her because she helped me through a really tough time and I feel bad and guilty I guess. Don't get me wrong she's a big big talker once the conversation is flowing but it's just me asking all the questions etc. I have spoken to her in my break before when I only had half an hour and it took up my entire break and I said I had to go.. The intonation in her voice was like oh OK then.. I felt guilty. I can't explain it. I just feel pressured to speak to her, one phone call a week of about 30 minutes max would do it. I guess I keep up with it because of duty and guilt. I do like talking to her but it's just too much.
Look, whatever she’s done for you in the past, you can’t keep having two hour-long conversations a week that you don’t want with this friend! As a pp said, you’re already stressed and resentful about it all. Just be upfront with her.
myusernamewastakenbyme · 01/10/2021 08:56

God this would drive me insane...i have 2 dear friends who like chatting on the phone....if i answer the call im caught up for 1.5 hours...i just don't answer now and make a feeble excuse the next day...i love seeing them in person but i just can't do the phone calls.

postcardfromme · 01/10/2021 08:57

OP what do you talk about? I can't imagine speaking for an hour 2x a week on the phone to a friend.
It sounds painful!! I would hate to have to chat to anyone for an hour in the evening!!

Blackkoala · 01/10/2021 08:58

I would say at the start of the call ‘I’ve only got twenty minutes’ and then stick to that firmly. Hopefully as you’re the one who does most of the work to keep the conversation going that will help curb things.

Iluvperegrines · 01/10/2021 08:58

Can you talk to her when you are walking somewhere? That way you don’t lose any time, abs there is a clear end point.
I’ve managed to use this method to give my mum daily phone calls, it’s very handy! Also nice to have company on walks…

MrsBobDylan · 01/10/2021 09:01

Honestly, she is emotionally blackmailing you. She helped you through a bad time, which is great, but you don't owe her anything.
My Mum is like this with me and she is a really awful person.

This 'friend' makes you feel bad about yourself, guilty, anxious and as though you are responsible for her. She is a shit friend.

I would front it out and say speaking on the phone twice a week is stressing you out and that you can't do it anymore.

DFOD · 01/10/2021 09:14

What would work for you?

Decide what suits and make it happen.

Your obligation and guilt is misplaced and is inadvertently eroding the friendship by building resentment.

It’s YOUR responsibility to manage this.

Did you need permission from random strangers on the internet to justify your own feelings / boundary that 2 x 1hr phone calls in the evenings is too much for you? If so you need to get used to attending to your own feelings and trusting that they are accurate for you and honour them - otherwise you are not being honest or authentic to yourself or your friend.

Good luck

Triffid1 · 01/10/2021 09:19

If she's a good friend, surely honesty is the best answer? "I'd love to catch up but can we please do it on the weekend because I am shattered, and just going to collapse on the couch with a glass of wine and netflix and can't face talking to anyone right now?" And as part of your regular conversations with her why aren't you saying at some point something about how, as a single parent, you' need downtime etc. I'm not even a single parent and I had this exact conversation with a relatively new friend the other day. Not because she's super demanding but because it was just part of the natural flow of conversation and learning about each other.