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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to buy DD girly shoes?

61 replies

EagleOrIgel · 30/09/2021 16:39

She's 9 and chose a pair of lurid green trainers for her school PE shoes. She loves them and is very happy, they're comfy etc. A couple of the boys in her class also have the same shoes which doesn't bother her.

She's just started a new club sport, in a group of 9-16 year olds. She's quite a "young" 9 year old compared to some of her friends and can be a bit oblivious to social currents going on around her. She's been bringing her school kit home each week to go to training. I got there early last week and went in to watch and her trainers stood out like a sore thumb! All of the others are wearing mainly black trainers with coloured streaks; pinks, purples or more sober colours. I was planning to buy her a now pair anyway to save the bringing and taking of an extra school bag. Should I insist on a pair which will fit in better with what the rest of the team wear or let her choose?

(When they play matches, they wear black shorts and a royal blue t-shirt)

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 30/09/2021 17:43

No, let her choose. Btw, what's specifically "girly" about mainly black trainers?

Original poster

EagleOrIgel · 30/09/2021 17:45

I would have written "girly" with the inverted commas but I wasn't sure the title would take them! DD is everything but pink and sparkly, although she does randomly have days when she wants plaited hair and to wear a dress.

I never said I would dress her in pink and she wouldn't anyway.

The older ones are probably constrained in their choices by the colours available in women's sizes.
I was thinking about this in the opposite way. When she's older, she's likely to have large feet (if she's anything like me and DH) and won't be able to buy women's shoes. So she should make use of being able to buy shoes intended for girls whilst she can.

OP posts:

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 30/09/2021 17:45

What are you trying to stereotype your dd ?

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/09/2021 17:52

Should I insist on a pair which will fit in better with what the rest of the team wear or let her choose?

Let her choose. Insisting a child “fit in” and “copy” other children is a bad message to instill in your child. Because next thing you know it’s they won’t wear a cycle helmet because So and so doesn’t. Then they’ll be secretly smoking cigarettes because “everyone else does”. Then she’ll be posting nude selfies on Instagram....you get where I am going.

ErrolTheDragon · 30/09/2021 17:54

So she should make use of being able to buy shoes intended for girls whilst she can.

If she wants to, she can - it's her choice. But there's no 'should' about it.
Rather than 'girly', I think you probably meant something more like 'conforming with the rest of the girls'. I'm inclined to think that if a child isn't bothered about conforming to the 'herd' that's a good thing - better an independent-minded goat than a sheep.

Talipesmum · 30/09/2021 17:56

Just let her choose this time as well.

sillysmiles · 30/09/2021 18:00

Should I insist on a pair which will fit in better with what the rest of the team wear or let her choose?

Have a think about why you are worried about teaching her to conform to her peers, rather than teaching her to be happy and proud of her own choices.

MaskingForIt · 30/09/2021 18:01

So she should make use of being able to buy shoes intended for girls whilst she can.

By the time she is an adult “girly” shoes will be available in much larger sizes because many biological males will be wearing them too. Trans women are women and will want girly shoes too.

SummersOverSeasideTown · 30/09/2021 18:01

@LadyMonicaBaddingham

Let her choose. And stop saying 'girly'. It's a horrible, outdated word for an insidious and pressurising concept. Let your daughter learn to be herself before society does its darndest to smash it out of her.

It's not 'just' a pair of shoes, really...

Agree

BananaPB · 30/09/2021 18:14

I have teens and they'd think "I liked bright colour shoes at that age too" rather than "I can't believe she picked neon green shoes!"

Ime teens may judge kids their age for their fashion choices but wouldn't say anything to your dd because she is primary aged

liveforsummer · 30/09/2021 18:46

Yes YABVU

BiscuitLover09876 · 30/09/2021 18:49

Omg don't you want her to stand out from the crowd?

Darceyhemingway · 30/09/2021 18:55

Surely it's good she stands out so she's easier to see when she's playing. Let her wear what she likes

waybill · 30/09/2021 19:02

Let her choose. She will have noticed what the others are wearing, so might choose something different next time. Anyway, if she's playing a sport in them, comfort and suitability is important, not the colour.

Original poster

EagleOrIgel · 30/09/2021 19:06

Omg don't you want her to stand out from the crowd?
Nope. I already have one child who is mercilessly picked on for standing out from the crowd (SN). I want her life with her peers to be as easy as is reasonably possible.
She has these :

OP posts:

Original poster

EagleOrIgel · 30/09/2021 19:07

Thinking one more like these.

OP posts:

Cupoftea53 · 30/09/2021 19:15

It feels to me like you are projecting. You say you can’t wear women’s shoes (which makes me assume you must be size 10 or something as the average size for a woman is size 7) and so want your daughter to wear the shoes you wish you could. I understand where you are coming from as my daughter has gorgeous thick long blond hair and scrapes it into a tight ponytail. It frustrates me as I would do anything to have such gorgeous hair and would love to see her making the most of it, but she won’t. My husband tells me off as he says its her hair, not mine, and not to give her issues!

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 30/09/2021 19:17

YABU - colours don't have genders.
I would let her choose. I have dd2 who would choose pink and sparkly & dd1 who wouldn't be seen dead in them, was happy to be totally different aged 7-9 and now 10 wants to be more like her friends. Support her choices.

anothermansshoes · 30/09/2021 19:17

It might be better for your dd if you support her wearing what she likes

She may end up not being in the popular gang but she will find friends who are not constrained by pointless restrictive social norms

If she gets bullied for wearing the wrong shoes then those are girls I would rather she didn't get on with anyway

maxineputyourredshoeson · 30/09/2021 19:26

I actually find this really sad. I have 2 DD’s. DD1 has always been different from the other girls, she has her own style and looks bloody amazing! DD2 is a ‘girly’ girl. And confirms to the stereotype - but as with DD1, it’s her choice and she picks what she likes she also looks bloody amazing!

There is no way on this earth that I would make DD1 wear the clothes and/or shoes her sister likes, why would I?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/09/2021 19:29

She should wear what she likes.
She picked them, she likes them, she's comfy in them
That's great

liveforsummer · 30/09/2021 19:46

@EagleOrIgel

Omg don't you want her to stand out from the crowd? Nope. I already have one child who is mercilessly picked on for standing out from the crowd (SN). I want her life with her peers to be as easy as is reasonably possible. She has these :

Both my DD's would love those trainers and I'd happily buy them. Surely they are no less girly than black? Wouldn't cross my mind to be bothered they were a bit different. Dd2 is 8 and has a really quirky and unique style. She's super popular.

ErrolTheDragon · 30/09/2021 19:52

The green shoes and the ASICS with red and blue flashes both look completely gender neutral to me. Purple is for some unknown reason coded as 'feminine' but I'd hardly call that pair 'girly'.

You're overthinking this. If you want her to have a second pair of shoes just let her choose whatever suits her feet and taste.

Original poster

EagleOrIgel · 30/09/2021 20:34

It feels to me like you are projecting.
Clearly!

Wouldn't cross my mind to be bothered they were a bit different.
Nor mine til I picked her up this week and saw that the others all have black shoes so her green ones stood out!

OP posts:

BeardieWeirdie · 30/09/2021 20:46

I must be living on another planet. I feel proud when my daughter shows off her individuality rather than going for the pink frilly unicorn option like everyone else. Stop trying to box her in! Sheesh.

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