To get DH to do a couple of night feeds even though he works?

[SundayTwizzle]

And I'm on mat leave?

I'm permanently exhausted from doing multiple wake ups at night (DD is 6 weeks but her night sleep seems to be getting worse not better). We agreed I would do the night feeds as I could catch up on sleep during the day however it turns out we have an unputdownable baby so I cant even get a shower most days let alone take a nap.

Would it be really unfair to ask him to do a few even though he has to go to work the next day and drive?

He is the baby's parent. Are you asking if it is unreasonable for a parent to tend to their child? What's more, he is your partner. If you are struggling, he should be offering help, not waiting to be asked. Parenting isn't just about cuddles and playtime, he needs to take on some of the not-so-fun elements like night feeds and sh*tty nappies.

You made arrangements on the basis you’d be able to catch up on sleep during the day. Turns out you can’t do that, so of course YANBU to make different arrangements.

There are plenty of jobs where lack of sleep could be dangerous, but looking after a small baby is also somewhere that lack of sleep can be dangerous. I caught myself falling asleep on the sofa holding the baby a few times - really dangerous. You can balance out tiredness burden between you whichever way works best, but you shouldn’t have one person on their knees and the other one getting 9 hours sleep a night unless your circumstances are really really exceptional.

@tiggerwhocamefortea nope I have a 3 year old. I just don’t see why I’d want to live off barely any sleep when I can share nights with DH, get 7 hours and function a lot better. You don’t get any medals for doing it alone!

I don't think going to work is an excuse not to help out, being at home with the baby isn't a holiday!
When my dd was a non sleeping, unputdownable demon baby did blocks so we both got sleep (then dh skipped off to work to escape the screaming). We carried on with it when I went back to work but swapped so I got the last stretch of sleep as I had a 45 minute commute and dh worked 2 minutes from home.

With ds I breastfed so we didn't share feeds but dh would take the baby between feeds, do nappies or settle so I could sleep or shower.

I also found a few comfy spots to nap with the babies on me during the day or I would have died.

It's not a race to the bottom of who got less sleep but did it all alone, or a failure because you ask for help. It's his child too!

YANBU at all.

It sickens me to think of women being absolutely exhausted due to night after night of broken sleep and their partner just watching it happen.

What kind of man would even stand by and not give a shit?

A decent man would be automatically offering to do a night of feeds, or at least some of them - they certainly wouldn’t need to be asked.

Weekends or whenever he doesn't have work the next day is fair enough. I think it's a bit unfair if he has to work the next day.
I know a young baby is exhausting but at least you can sort of rest at home even if you don't sleep, whereas at work he can't.
I also worried about my husband driving while tired.
Or do as others have said and get him to do an early morning feed. I was in your place just over a year ago and I couldn't put our son down. Now he will only allow cuddles on his terms. His sleep is so much better now so I'm sure your baby will start to sleep for longer soon.

@Geamhradh

On MN he should be doing a 40 hour week, all the shopping and cleaning and bring you delicate morsels on a silver platter before he starts the ironing, so I don't think a few night feeds is too much to ask.

I do a 50 hour week and all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, ironing, laundry, admin and wifework plus all the childcare. Of course that’s completely normal as I’m a single mum of three . If I was a man I’d be a total hero.

@Imatwinmum

I'm Not after medals 🤣 He gets up for work at 430am and at the time I was breastfeeding so not much he could do to help really. I lost a lot of babies before the twins came along and I guess maybe that has changed my view on it all a bit - I love every second even the hard times and elder child has never really slept through the night so I'm used to functioning on limited/broken sleep so maybe that's why I don't find it that hard? Everyone's different. I just don't need my DH that way and he's free to do other stuff that helps out like cooking dinner or entertaining oldest

If he doesnt work weekends then Friday and Saturday nights.

In the words of my DH:-
"Better both of us are tired than one of us is exhausted".
We did every other night from the beginning, even after he went back to work. He seemed to think my work at home looking after his tiny baby son was as important as his job, so I'd be needing some decent kip too.

In the early days we used to split the night, we’d both go to bed by 9 at the latest, I’d do all the feeds until around 3am, DH would get up after that point and put the baby back to bed next to me when he left at 7am, so I’d get a decent uninterrupted chunk of sleep then. Not ideal, but we both survived! The only time I’ve ever thought it was reasonable that the partners sleep was prioritised was when they were a pilot / surgeon or similar where lives were in their hands! I know there is an argument for driving, but equally I was driving in mat leave and me being exhausted would have been dangerous too! Like someone above said, better to both be a bit tired than one person dangerously exhausted.

@Rosesareyellow

Really? Wow! Yeah I think that’s crazy. How did you cope? Genuine question. My husband would never put me through the emotional and physical relentlessness of doing nights alone. I wouldn’t have been able to do it alone even if I was prepared to!

I agree it’s not ideal - but it’s certainly doable. I don’t see how you’d be ‘unable to’? Genuine question as well.
Your comment reminds me of a mum I know who posted on Facebook about managing to bathe her baby alone expecting a round of applause - apparently it’s a two parent job usually

It’s pretty to easy to see how you’d be unable to. You have one toddler who’s up at 6 and doesnt nap. You have one baby that doesn’t do more than half an hour sleep until about 4am. Months pass. You fall apart, literally, because sleep is a fundamental human need.

@tiggerwhocamefortea

Depends on his job doesn't it really?

For what it's worth when I was on maternity leave with my twins no I wouldn't have expected DH to do night feeds. He was working and my "job" as it were was the babies.

Unpopular opinion for a lot of members on here I would imagine

Yeah same. I have a 4 year old too and I do all night wakes with DD who is 11 weeks. She only really wakes twice though and most nights goes straight back to sleep after a bottle so it's not really a hardship. I think your body just gets used to having less sleep.

@tiggerwhocamefortea totally understandable then if you were breastfeeding. I do think feeding twins yourself is amazing. I could only manage about 6 weeks of mixed feeding! With DD I only breastfed so it was a difficult decision to give up this time around. But I LOVE the freedom of formula and that includes sharing nights!

The annoying thing about formula though is burping etc. takes ages, no co sleeping either so it really isn’t doable alone. It would be pretty brutal and I’d be falling apart!

My husband used to do the feeds until 12
Midnight then I would take over. We also used to have 1 lie in each on a sat and Sunday morning. Worked for us

My baby was breastfed but I would express enough in the day. I would feed her at 8pm he would then have her till midnight. Those 4 hours were amazing. It then didn’t matter if I didn’t get much sleep during the night as I felt quite rested.
Sleep deprivation is horrible though.

DH works office hours. We always did shifts, 50/50, even though I'm a sahm.

DH is mainly office based, he does do an important job and needs to be on the ball but nobody's life depends on it. Commute isnt long but is on the motorway and he can work from home.

I cant sleep during the day at the minute as DD screams if I put her down.

He definitely pulls his weight - he takes her in the evening but I tend to use that time to shower. Then I have her back and he cooks dinner. She cluster feeds in the evening too so it's not an ideal time for me to sleep. He also walks the dog for an hour early before work so hes not lazy or anything.

It's nice to know lots dont think its unreasonable. I think he will be quite amenable to the idea on his wfh days so I'm going to have the chat.

@SundayTwizzle

And I'm on mat leave?

I'm permanently exhausted from doing multiple wake ups at night (DD is 6 weeks but her night sleep seems to be getting worse not better). We agreed I would do the night feeds as I could catch up on sleep during the day however it turns out we have an unputdownable baby so I cant even get a shower most days let alone take a nap.

Would it be really unfair to ask him to do a few even though he has to go to work the next day and drive?

That wasn't something we did. I was breastfeeding so DH had no role there, but I put high importance of his getting a good night's sleep because he was working.

I could nap during the day, and fit into the baby's schedule.

Can he do the evenings and weekends?

Also think you need to get advice from a HV about getting baby to go down without being in your arms during the day. Could baby be windy? Reflux? I don't think it's normal to be permanently exhausted like that.

We’ve got an ergo baby carrier and my husband will sometimes take the baby out in that when he walks the dog so I can sleep/shower/have a bath etc.

With our first he did Friday and Saturday nights I did the rest

This time breastfeeding worked out so I do them all

He should do a few night feeds on his days off. Being a new mum is the hardest thing.

I would also try and co sleep. I know it's frowned upon, but if you're that desperate for sleep, then...

Big bed, baby snuggled into mum (boob in mouth if you're BFing, drowsy from bottle if you're not), white noise in the background, lights off and curtains shut will do you both the world of good.

Disclaimer: If you're a drinker or a smoke the above method is not recommended,