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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm wasting my time with this man?

37 replies

isthisawasteoftime · 30/09/2021 11:56

A few months ago, I met a man who I think is gorgeous, very talented and ambitious. He is a music producer and also in a music duo which is becoming very big, doing all the biggest festivals etc. I of course find this very attractive having always been the more ambitious of my relationships.

But AIBU to think I'm wasting my time and to just forget it?

Basically, we will talk for a while, I understand he's busy with his career and so am I. This seems to work quite well. However, he will suddenly go quiet, and become very anxious about things. He has quite bad anxiety (and is often in the background of the duo due to this), and will suddenly stop replying to messages, and will take 'social media breaks' because he gets overwhelmed.

He will message me to tell me this, so it's not as if I'm being ghosted, and then things will pick back up again.

But he will then start saying things like: "I realise I do this and it's on me, and something I'm working on. I don't want you waiting around or making you feel bad".

I know that he does have feelings for me, and I for him - but of course the lack of communication and never knowing whether he's going to go hot and cold is a bit confusing. I give him the benefit of the doubt due to his mental health but it is frustrating.

For background, I think all of this started after he was cheated on in a 10-year relationship before this.

But I think I'm probably wasting my time - is my feeling right here?

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisawasteoftime · 30/09/2021 13:29

Bump

OP posts:
Lotts123 · 30/09/2021 13:35

You say you talk for a while, but have you met? Do you meet up and go out at all? It isn’t clear from your OP.

When he gets anxious what is it about, does he say?

LampLighter414 · 30/09/2021 13:36

I'd try the relationships board

Original poster
isthisawasteoftime · 30/09/2021 14:16

We haven’t met yet, so I’m probably being silly but I do really like him. He gets overwhelmed by messages on social media and due to his position gets a lot of abuse sometimes if he doesn’t answer people. Sorry; I didn’t realise there was a relationships board.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 30/09/2021 14:17

It says at the start of your post that you did meet? But above says you didn't? Confused

Palavah · 30/09/2021 14:18

You haven't met up yet despite talking for months... I'd knock it on the head tbh. You don't really know this man.

Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2021 14:19

Why haven’t you met up yet?

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 30/09/2021 14:20

You haven’t met him?
Hmm

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 14:20

I don’t understand, this is a stranger you’ve never met? It’s just occasional texting? I don’t know what you mean wasting your time, you’re not in a relationship?

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 14:22

Op do you just message him on social media and he responds back is that it. Like he would to others and that’s why he drops out as he is overwhelmed of so many but you think you are dating him or something?

OrangeTortoise · 30/09/2021 14:23

No harm being friends if you like. But you're not in a romantic relationship with him.

Wiredforsound · 30/09/2021 14:24

You’re pen pals.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 14:24

How can you have feelings for each other? Have you even spoked on thr phone, face timed?

Original poster
isthisawasteoftime · 30/09/2021 14:24

Oh no lol I know we’re not in a relationship. But due to the pandemic we haven’t met yet. I just like him and he apparently likes me. But I’m not sure whether to keep making the effort for when we do meet (which is meant to be next month) if it just keeps going cold.

OP posts:
Twizbe · 30/09/2021 14:26

I'd throw him back. Too much drama already

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 14:26

I’m still lost op, we have been able to meet for months and months?

Wagglerock · 30/09/2021 14:26

Yes you're wasting your time. It's probably not even the man he says he is.

Original poster
isthisawasteoftime · 30/09/2021 14:27

He is currently touring after cancelled gigs. Sorry to drip feed. So not available until next month.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisawasteoftime · 30/09/2021 14:27

And yes we have factimed/called.

OP posts:
OldieWordly · 30/09/2021 14:29

You know that most COVID restrictions are over and that people are allowed to meet up now?

I think it is a case that he is not that interested in you. So you should call it a day with all the messaging and try and find someone else that wants to meet and talk with you.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 14:29

If you face timing then it’s not relevant he takes social media breaks, is he refusing to your video calls?

babouchette · 30/09/2021 14:30

It probably is a waste of time but it depends how persistent you are willing to be. There is an opportunity cost here too - the time you spend fixing your attention on this guy means you are less likely to meet someone else. If he is heading for a career as a professional touring musician you are unlikely to ever spend much time together. I'd probably knock it on the head to be honest.

GianaSister · 30/09/2021 14:32

If you’re meeting next month and you do really like him, I’d give it that long. If another delay or anxiety attack occurs and the proposed meet falls through and gets postponed, I’d leave it.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 14:33

I think if you’re going on a date next month and you are factiming regularly then hang on.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 14:35

Plus it’s not like he’s saying you can’t meet next week, he’s touring so not available, I’d hold out till your date,