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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to go away for Christmas?

59 replies

doorornottodoor · 30/09/2021 10:49

I’m being made to feel I’m being a bit selfish.

3 older teens who would also all love to go away for Christmas (somewhere hot).

My husband feels bad about his parents. I’ve suggested we see them before or after for turkey etc… but Christmas Day is literally In the middle of the 2 week break we get.

If we go away it will need to be far enough away to get heat so it’s not really worth going for a week.

My parents are pretty relaxed about it.

In my view Christmas is just a day and we can celebrate it whenever we want. We can do it the week before we go instead.

Bit of backstory too about me finding my in laws quite selfish/difficult so it makes me even less feel like forgoing a family trip! Now the kids are older I’m not a big fan of Christmas at home. All that non stop eating and drinking, lying about and the mess, the dark nights (we’re in Scotland) and the amount of stuff! I’m quite an active person and I just find it boring after the first few days. Weather here is always crap too.

We haven’t spent Christmas with them for a few years - last year Covid, year before my family , year before we were away abroad.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 30/09/2021 11:36

[quote Holskey]@jesusisanynamefree
The OP only has so many chances to go away with her children like this. Soon enough, they will have their own partners, kids, in-laws and their own traditions.

You could something similar about dh and his parents. One day they'll be gone.[/quote]
No, because they still get their celebration. A week before or after the 25th.

Original poster

doorornottodoor · 30/09/2021 11:37

@wink1970 you read my mind

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/09/2021 11:56

No, because they still get their celebration. A week before or after the 25th.

Again you could say the OP can have her holiday a day after the celebration. And they are having a holiday in October anyway. A successful marriage is about compromise and taking in turns not one partner trumping the other.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 30/09/2021 12:00

@sweeneytoddsrazor

No, because they still get their celebration. A week before or after the 25th.

She clearly stated she can't. The places they want to go to need at least 10 days. Or should they just settle for Spain because it's soo important to celebrate things on the correct day? Are adults in the real world really like this?

themidnighttrain · 30/09/2021 12:03

[quote doorornottodoor]@themidnighttrain no we don’t alternate as he has a LOT of siblings/step siblings. I too have step siblings so alternating doesn’t work.[/quote]
If you both have a lot of siblings/step siblings, does that mean that if you go away in any year, both sets of parents are likely to have plenty of company anyway?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/09/2021 12:06

The places they want to go to need at least 10 days. Or should they just settle for Spain because it's soo important to celebrate things on the correct day? Are adults in the real world really like this?

What is wrong with a compromise. That is what is supposed to happen when partners can't agree the same thing.

HoppSuisse · 30/09/2021 12:09

If you both like doing different things a Christmas, then you either spend it apart - or if the one thing you DO agree on is that you want to spend it togeather, then you need to take it in turns. So one year, you get to decide - your parents, stay home, go abroad, and the next year his turn - his parents, stay home, whatever he likes.
Last year year doesn't count as Covid decided - but sounds like the year before was your choice? So this time should be his choice I think.

Cocomumma · 30/09/2021 12:15

I've just booked the whole of the Christmas holidays to Cyprus. I haven't been away for 3 years and this Christmas is going to be hell as there has been a lot going on family wise, I'm not prepared to deal with it so will be enjoying it elsewhere with my dc and those who don't like it can choke on their dry Turkey

Thehop · 30/09/2021 12:19

Oh god go!

Christmas Day away holidays are my best memories with my parents.

smallybells · 30/09/2021 12:22

IMO he's out ruled as you and DC all want to go away! It sounds like there's big families on both sides, so the in laws hardly sound like they will be crying into a tuc cracker on the 25th having been abandoned by their only hope for a holiday (your DH).

After the last few years, Christmas in the sun sounds incredible! Getting away from everything and having a recharge before the new year sounds perfect.

Have a pre-Christmas meal on the 18th, then wave goodbye and tell them you'll grab them something from duty free.

shinynewapple21 · 30/09/2021 12:22

We did a compromise on this for years travelling on 27th December for a week's holiday . I don't see that your holiday needs to be for a fortnight .

ClaudiaWankleman · 30/09/2021 12:26

The OP only has so many chances to go away with her children like this. Soon enough, they will have their own partners, kids, in-laws and their own traditions.

His mummy and daddy can damn well suck down their turkey on a different date. Jesus christ.

What a ghastly attitude to have.

We all have limited time on earth and wanting to spend time with loved ones on Christmas day isn't particularly unreasonable, especially as OP and the kids have gone away on holiday before in the 'cycle' of who goes where.

Can't you go away on boxing day/ the 27th? Then you've spent time with DPs and also avoided the whole lying around for days on end.

Bluetrews25 · 30/09/2021 12:48

Ask them to come with you? (Pay their own way) They might well say no, but they would have made the decision not to see you, rather than you make the choice not to see them. To give it a different dynamic.

Original poster

doorornottodoor · 30/09/2021 12:53

Hi all,
Thanks for your comments. It’s good to hear all sides. Step family suit themselves a bit so I don’t think they’re seeing them.

To those of you that say we can go away for a week, no we can’t. Where we live has direct flights only 2 days a week and the dates don’t work. Factor in jet jag etc… and it’s not worth it. We could go for 10 days I think.

My husband seems up for seeing them beforehand so hopefully that will work. What sways it for him is the kids being into it.

OP posts:

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 30/09/2021 13:06

@ClaudiaWankleman

The OP only has so many chances to go away with her children like this. Soon enough, they will have their own partners, kids, in-laws and their own traditions.

His mummy and daddy can damn well suck down their turkey on a different date. Jesus christ.

What a ghastly attitude to have.

Can't you go away on boxing day/ the 27th? Then you've spent time with DPs and also avoided the whole lying around for days on end.

Ghastly? What, for thinking it's absolutely absurd that 4 people should sit stuck in their house/go on a holiday they have no interest in because 2 adults can't deal with celebrating on a different day? It's so incredibly selfish to think for a second that that's okay.

They're still getting turkey, christmas pudding, presents and everything else. Just not on that specific day. Massively childish to have to have it on the 25th when it'll make 4 other people miserable for 2 weeks for it.

Holskey · 30/09/2021 13:46

Massively childish to have to have it on the 25th when it'll make 4 other people miserable for 2 weeks for it

I'd agree with this if it actually does make 4 people miserable for 2 weeks. That's not been said though.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 30/09/2021 13:59

@Holskey

Massively childish to have to have it on the 25th when it'll make 4 other people miserable for 2 weeks for it

I'd agree with this if it actually does make 4 people miserable for 2 weeks. That's not been said though.

True, bored. Just bored, so that's fine.

vivainsomnia · 30/09/2021 14:06

My OH wouldn't go away for Xmas because if his parents. Xmas doesn't mean that much to us but it does mean A LOT to them. So he celebrates to make them happy and I go along to make him happy. Our time will come to enjoy Xmas as we wish.

I don't think there's anything wrong with doing what anyone wants and ignoring the wishes of others, however by doing so, you need to accept that there might be consequences.

My friend's sister also didn't care to do things that made her parents happy, especially in their late years when they became especially needy. My friend did it all. Her sister was furious when my friends was left the bulk of the inheritance. She just couldn't appreciate that her parents could be selfish too and do what made them happy even with the knowledge it would upset her.

Holskey · 30/09/2021 14:07

True, bored. Just bored, so that's fine.

Bored after a few days, yes. It actually did sound fine to me. Not amazing, but not a big hardship. Sounded like staying just wasn't OP's preference:

I’m not a big fan of Christmas at home. All that non stop eating and drinking, lying about and the mess, the dark nights (we’re in Scotland) and the amount of stuff! I’m quite an active person and I just find it boring after the first few days. Weather here is always crap too

ClaudiaWankleman · 30/09/2021 14:39

Pull the other one @JesusIsAnyNameFree

Let's not pretend your use of 'mummy and daddy' and 'suck down' was anything but unnecessarily obnoxious.

Ponoka7 · 30/09/2021 15:56

I love Christmas. But for me and in reality, it's a season, not just one day. I like seeing my grandchildren on the day, but if they wanted a holiday it would be bloody selfish to dictate their day. Or rather dictate that week. My Sister liked to volunteer, we've all worked across Social Care, so had to accept having Christmas dinner on a different day. For those thinking that one day they'll get to have the Christmas that they want, you might not, I was Widowed in my 30's. You only owe your time to your children, everyone else should recognise that. We often had Easter together, it was like a mini Christmas.

CinstonWhurchill · 30/09/2021 18:33

I would go and see the in laws at xmas. If you go away, this would be the fourth consecutive year they do not get to see their son and grandchildren on a xmas day? Your parents are probably ok with it as they saw you all less than 2 yrs ago. I personally find it a bit mean to expect your husbands parents to wait 5 yrs for a xmas day with their own son.

Obviously you do not like them very much but your husband is still their son and your children, their grand children . I guess think about how you may feel if you were told today that you will now not see your children on a xmas day until 2026! If you would be ok with that then go on holiday and have a great time!

CinstonWhurchill · 30/09/2021 18:54

And i have 2 older late teens and think it does no harm for them to be aware that seeing elderly relatives on a xmas day is a kind and loving thing to do. I see my children everyday, and can go on holiday with them many opportunities through out the year. Could you go away at easter for 2 weeks? Having their grandparents over to us or us travelling and visiting them on a xmas day is a faff for me for sure but , means so very much to the Gp's. My DC's have benefitted greatly from GP's on xmas day and understand it is part of a larger process of considering others at xmas and not leaving people alone. Allowing mine and my exDH's parents to see their own children at xmas even though we are adults.

Why did you not go away the year you saw your own parents?

Frogsandsheep · 30/09/2021 18:58

Yanbu

I would LOVE to go away for Christmas and so would my dh and children but I’m a vicar so it will never happen!

Original poster

doorornottodoor · 30/09/2021 19:24

@CinstonWhurchill thanks. To be fair we have spent a lot of Christmases with them over the years and see them at other times too. But yes fair points. Easter doesn’t work - exams. The year I saw my family (2019/20) we were here in the UK as my sibling and family was over in the UK for Christmas (lives overseas). Pre Covid I was planning a big Christmas away with my in laws and DH side of the family. But because of Covid they don’t want to travel abroad at the moment and some of DH siblings are overseas too. Covid makes it hard to get everyone together.

OP posts:

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