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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DP should have taken time off work?

50 replies

JimCantSwim · 30/09/2021 09:13

Name changed as most details will probably be outing.
DP and I have a 4 year old son together and live at the opposite end of the country to DP's family so don't see them often. Our 4 year old DS is autistic and struggles with travelling, new environments and lots of people around so we haven't travelled to see them with DS yet.
DP has arranged with his parents for them to come down for a few days in the coming weeks and yesterday I mentioned in conversation if he thought a certain cafe would be a nice place to go with them when they visit as DS is familiar with it so may cope okay and its something nice for his parents to do also. DP then informed me that he isn't going to be taking the time off work while his parents are visiting so it will be all on me to host them and sort out what we will be doing.
I was really shocked by this as DP knows that I am very introverted and shy so struggle in social situations and also that our DS needs a one to one with him all the time so at social events there needs to be two of us, one to be with DS and the other to keep the social side of things flowing and so that we can both help each other with looking after DS.
I said to him that he really needs to take at least 2 of the 3 days off of work as his parents are probably expecting to see him as well and that its rude to invite them and then not be there and that also if its all left for me to do then they probably won't have a very enjoyable visit as I will be very preoccupied with looking after DS and also am not a natural at keeping conversation flowing and hosting people!
I don't want them to have a terrible time when they visit.
AIBU in thinking that DP should take the time off work or should I just suck it up and try my best to host them?
DP is self employed if that makes a difference.

OP posts:

Teacupsandtoast · 30/09/2021 09:15

Of course he has to take time off - his parents are going to be like wtf if he doesn't!! Does he have form for being this ignorant?

Weenurse · 30/09/2021 09:17

He should take time off, unless him not being paid was going to put you on the street.

PostingForTheFirstTime · 30/09/2021 09:17

You are not being unreasonable. In your position I would tell your DH that he will need to cancel the visit unless he takes time off; and that, just for the future record, if he arranges a visit from his family, he must take time off to host them.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/09/2021 09:17

I agree he should take time off work, if he cannot then he needs to talk to his parents and reschedule the visit for when he can take time off work.

MaenadsJustWannaHaveFun · 30/09/2021 09:19

He's a selfish bellend.

So many men are so happy to leave all the tedious shitwork to their wives.

Yet if your inlaws magically produced a ticket to, say, the Champions League final, I daresay you wouldn't be expected to go while your husband went on with his normal routine.

gamerchick · 30/09/2021 09:20

Tell him he either takes the time off work or he cancels his parents. One or the other.

Fadingout · 30/09/2021 09:20

What a rude git. I have children with autism and I’m quite shy as well and there is no way I’d want to be lumped with my in laws.

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2021 09:21

He should take time off or cancel their visit- they’re his parents so I’m sure they want to see him

QueenoftheKarens · 30/09/2021 09:22

Tell him if he's not going to be there to cancel his parents. It's not your job to entertain them.

GabriellaMontez · 30/09/2021 09:23

So you told him. Then what did he say? How long are they stating?

I just wouldn't be prepared to do this. You're not his servant. He didnt ask. You have your hands full.

MrsWooster · 30/09/2021 09:23

I would insist on it. His refusing to take time off work would lead to me saying I was not engaging in the visit, to the point of going out each day. It’s absolutely not ok to dump social responsibility on someone who struggles with anxiety around these situations. If it had happened to me when I struggled even more than I still do with anxiety, it would have made me literally sick.

MissCreeAnt · 30/09/2021 09:25

I was all set to YABU but how rude of him to arrange a weekday visit with his parents and then not be at home. So YANBU.

Also he's been really rude to you to assume you would be hosting by yourself. Of course he should have asked.

I don't actually think your son's autism comes into it that much, other than if there's autism in the family sometimes people find it harder to to take others' perspectives into account. It wouldn't be ok to do this even if your son had no additional needs. Focus on that.

girlmom21 · 30/09/2021 09:27

Yeah he needs to take time off or cancel the visit.

MissCreeAnt · 30/09/2021 09:27

Or, of course, if he can't take those days off he rearranges the visit to days when he is around. I think the odd day of him being at work (not 3) would be ok IF he'd asked you first AND GPs know that is the arrangement. But 0/2, not ok.

Original poster

JimCantSwim · 30/09/2021 09:28

I've told him that he needs to take the time off as its really not acceptable to invite your parents who you don't see often to visit and then not bother to make time for them when they are here and that it's also very selfish of him to dump all this responsibility on me without even telling me. If I hadn't brought it up I don't expect he would have told me he was working until the morning of their visit. His response was that its me who is being unreasonable as I'm his partner and should be supporting him and that he needs to work to pay the bills, which is true but we can stretch to having 3 days off and still manage to pay the bills, we'd just have to cut back a little on unnecessary spending for a few weeks. I'm just quite hurt that he's been this selfish about it.

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 30/09/2021 09:33

His parents will be expecting to see him their son. He needs to arrange time off or rearrange trip. If situation was reversed would he spend 3 days without you and your parents and DS. I do think autism relevant as your DS is unlikely to go to people he’s not used to do you’ll be doing all caring (possible DS more unsettled) and trying to make chit chat. He should be coming up with stuff to do you aren’t tour guide.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 30/09/2021 09:33

He's living in fairy land.

His parents, his time to take off work.

Balonzette · 30/09/2021 09:38

I'd tell him that if he doesn't take the days off he needs to cancel the visit. Outrageously unreasonable behaviour from him!

Dixiechickonhols · 30/09/2021 09:38

If DP wants to be awkward I’d point out you aren’t related to them in any way and they are not your in laws. If he’d been sensible and said he had a none moveable job on one morning would you mind doing x but then I’ll take them to y that’s different. If he’s worried about money (guessing he’s only income) then he needs to tell parents he can’t get time off and move it.

cushioncovers · 30/09/2021 09:39

Yes absolutely he should take some time off. It's his parents they would have traveled to see him as much as their grandchild.

cushioncovers · 30/09/2021 09:40

Just saw your last post. Does he not get time off for taking annual leave then or is he self employed?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/09/2021 09:45

Of course he should take time off!

They’re his parents. Above anything else, they’ll want to spend time with him. Either he takes time off, or reschedules the visit to when he can be off.

I take it they aren’t the sort of in laws who come to help?

Very unfair to you to lump you with hosting guests as well as looking after your ds.

Original poster

JimCantSwim · 30/09/2021 09:47

DP is self employed so doesn't get paid leave but also can get time off easily. Its just being concerned about money which I understand but I've told him we can manage it as I have some money in savings so it would be the end of the world if he took time off, we would just need to be careful for a little while afterwards. I've told him if he really doesn't want to take the time off work then he should cancel his parents visit and arrange it for a more suitable time like a weekend. I don't want his parents to travel all the way here expecting to see their son and he's at work and then not enjoy themselves as I will be preoccupied with DS.

OP posts:

RealBecca · 30/09/2021 09:49

Youre completely right in what youve said.

Hes basically trying to outsource his responsibilities. If it was a 3 day stag im sure he'd find a way...

cushioncovers · 30/09/2021 09:50

What sort of work does he do? can he finish early each day. Still unreasonable of him to book their visit without assuming he'd have to be there.

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