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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DP should have taken time off work?

50 replies

JimCantSwim · 30/09/2021 09:13

Name changed as most details will probably be outing.
DP and I have a 4 year old son together and live at the opposite end of the country to DP's family so don't see them often. Our 4 year old DS is autistic and struggles with travelling, new environments and lots of people around so we haven't travelled to see them with DS yet.
DP has arranged with his parents for them to come down for a few days in the coming weeks and yesterday I mentioned in conversation if he thought a certain cafe would be a nice place to go with them when they visit as DS is familiar with it so may cope okay and its something nice for his parents to do also. DP then informed me that he isn't going to be taking the time off work while his parents are visiting so it will be all on me to host them and sort out what we will be doing.
I was really shocked by this as DP knows that I am very introverted and shy so struggle in social situations and also that our DS needs a one to one with him all the time so at social events there needs to be two of us, one to be with DS and the other to keep the social side of things flowing and so that we can both help each other with looking after DS.
I said to him that he really needs to take at least 2 of the 3 days off of work as his parents are probably expecting to see him as well and that its rude to invite them and then not be there and that also if its all left for me to do then they probably won't have a very enjoyable visit as I will be very preoccupied with looking after DS and also am not a natural at keeping conversation flowing and hosting people!
I don't want them to have a terrible time when they visit.
AIBU in thinking that DP should take the time off work or should I just suck it up and try my best to host them?
DP is self employed if that makes a difference.

OP posts:

sillysmiles · 30/09/2021 09:51

If he is self employed can he not work a few hours - start at 8 be home for 11 to take his parent out, work few hours at some other time around family requirements if taking 3 days off is really totally undoable (which I suspect it isn't)

If I were his parents I'd be pretty pissed - not to mention the impact on his wife and son.

minipie · 30/09/2021 09:54

Why on earth did he arrange a visit he’s not going to be there for??

Sunshineonarainydayy · 30/09/2021 09:56

Agree with PP that taking half days off would be a good compromise

Brefugee · 30/09/2021 09:57

I'd let them come and just do what you need to with your DS and let them cope around you. It might be fine for them, it might not, you never know until you try it.

But i wouldn't be running around after them, providing entertainment unless it was in your scope (and desire) to do so. Any complaints are immediately redirected to the person who invited them.

Summerfun54321 · 30/09/2021 10:00

If he’s self employed and can’t take 2 days off then he needs a career re-think.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 30/09/2021 10:04

Glad you're sticking to your guns OP. They're not yours to host, imagine inviting your parents over for a few days then going out and leaving your partner to look after your child and host them. You wouldn't even consider it.

squashyhat · 30/09/2021 10:10

If your finances are so tight that you have to use your savings to fund a visit by his parents maybe he needs to reconsider his employment options.

JSL52 · 30/09/2021 10:19

Tell him if he doesn't cancel the visit then you will ring and tell them not to come as he's working.

JSL52 · 30/09/2021 10:19

@squashyhat

If your finances are so tight that you have to use your savings to fund a visit by his parents maybe he needs to reconsider his employment options.

Exactly.

JSL52 · 30/09/2021 10:19

@squashyhat

If your finances are so tight that you have to use your savings to fund a visit by his parents maybe he needs to reconsider his employment options.

Exactly.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 30/09/2021 10:20

He should make some effort - maybe an extended lunch or a half day. If he is the ownly earner he can’t be expected to take 3 days off. At the same time it’s not yours job to baby sit his parents, I would mention it in passing to them , what are your plans? Got tickets to anything seeing as tour son won’t be around during the day and you have your hands full etc. They might not expect you to entertain them

BigFatLiar · 30/09/2021 10:33

I doubt his parents will be that bothered by him not being there during the day or by your lack of involvement. I suspect they really want to spend some time with their grandson.

When ours were little my parents were nearby his were hundreds of miles away and didn't dive. DH took time off when they visited I worked with the occasional day off for days out. Really it was the girls they wanted to see and spend time with. It did mean he used up some of his holidays, so I had a holiday and we all went as a family on long weekends as his time would allow.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 30/09/2021 10:35

So he doesn't earn enough basically. He needs a new job.

DifferentHair · 30/09/2021 10:36

He should absolutely take time off work. Especially as he is self employed.

What kind of work does he do? Could he work longer hours in the lead up to make up the time?

I'd be annoyed at him too. It's so entitled and sexist expecting you to host his parents.

Original poster

JimCantSwim · 30/09/2021 10:48

Thank you for all the replies, I feel better knowing that I've not been unreasonable to expect him to have taken some time off! From the way DP reacted I wasn't sure if somehow I was being unreasonable! So I've told DP he is either to phone his parents and make them aware that he's not going to be there so they can either cancel or continue to visit on the understanding that there won't be much entertainment on my part or he is to take some time off work as we will manage to afford a couple of days off. So he's got his options, we'll see which one he chooses.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2021 10:53

Good for you.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 30/09/2021 10:59

I'd put money on him not phone them and him not taking time off work. You will be kind enough to entertain his folks and your husbands plan worked all along.

Triffid1 · 30/09/2021 12:02

Let me just check I can understand this.... he is self employed but only works Mon-Friday, but has arranged for his parents to come during the week (not the weekend) and has no intention of taking any time off?

I'm not shy and my DC are not autistic and if that was DH I'd be furious. Never mind anything else, his parents will want to spend time with him.

I've just had my parents visiting. I'm self employed. Taking time off is challenging because of the sheer volume of work I have currently. But of COURSE I didn't leave it to DH. I had to work late a few nights because I'd been out during the day and there were other times where I had to let them get on with things. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to leave it all to DH. He's being a complete bellend.

RampantIvy · 30/09/2021 12:13

Can't they come over a weekend instead?

HouseOfFire · 30/09/2021 12:33

Guess they're not coming then?

Onlinedilema · 30/09/2021 12:38

Is he always such a total c*?
Seriously he sounds bloody awful.

JSL52 · 30/09/2021 17:31

@JimCantSwim

He might phone them , they'll say 'oh it's ok ' and you'll be lumbered with them feeling uncomfortable.

Nomorefuckstogive · 30/09/2021 17:36

Oh my! He is being unbelievably unreasonable. They are his parents! No brainier, of course he must take time off. They would feel awful if he didn’t.

Sciurus83 · 30/09/2021 17:40

Shouldn't have given him the option not to take it off, he takes it off or he cancels them. Ridiculous to expect you to do that! The only compromise would be he doesn't take the full 3 days, but I would expect him to take at least half the time

walkinonsunshine · 01/10/2021 10:19

Wow, that's unbelievable he gives you all the wife work and you're not even married! CF!

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