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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not contact family member after they had a miscarriage?

38 replies

Onaloop · 30/09/2021 08:17

I just found out that a family member has had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. We are not super close but very friendly when we do see each other.

I had a late miscarriage at 19 weeks last year and so thought about reaching out to her to say how sorry I am, and say if she would ever like to talk, I'd be happy to as I know how difficult losing a baby is, however I am currently 36 weeks pregnant and I also know that when I lost my baby I didn't want to speak to any pregnant women and struggled thinking about friends who were having babies so I was thinking maybe I shouldn't contact her at all or wait a bit?

I just wondered what other people thought, especially if you've had a miscarriage around that time/12 weeks? Would it be inappropriate to send her a message?

OP posts:
00100001 · 30/09/2021 08:18

Did she contact you when you lost yours? I only ask to work out how close you are.

SinoohXaenaHide · 30/09/2021 08:21

Send her a message but cut out the "if you ever want to talk" bit as that puts the onus on her. Don't say anything that draws attention to the fact that you got pg again quickly - that doesn't happen for everyone.

Just keep it simple. eg "I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you. I know I was at rock bottom for a long time after my miscarriage and I didn't want to talk to anyone so it's totally ok not to reply, I just wanted to send you my love"

FreedomFaith · 30/09/2021 08:23

I'd tell her that you're very sorry for her loss and if she wants to talk about it then you're happy to, but understand if she finds it too difficult right now. Flowers

mrsrko · 30/09/2021 08:29

I'd just send a message of condolences and leave it at that. Something like.. we're thinking about you at this difficult time.

itsgrand · 30/09/2021 08:31

@SinoohXaenaHide

Send her a message but cut out the "if you ever want to talk" bit as that puts the onus on her. Don't say anything that draws attention to the fact that you got pg again quickly - that doesn't happen for everyone.

Just keep it simple. eg "I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you. I know I was at rock bottom for a long time after my miscarriage and I didn't want to talk to anyone so it's totally ok not to reply, I just wanted to send you my love"

That would actually be a lovely message to receive after a loss. Speaking from experience x
SunnyLeaf · 30/09/2021 08:32

@SinoohXaenaHide

Send her a message but cut out the "if you ever want to talk" bit as that puts the onus on her. Don't say anything that draws attention to the fact that you got pg again quickly - that doesn't happen for everyone.

Just keep it simple. eg "I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you. I know I was at rock bottom for a long time after my miscarriage and I didn't want to talk to anyone so it's totally ok not to reply, I just wanted to send you my love"

I think this is really nice
ShaneTheThird · 30/09/2021 08:34

@SinoohXaenaHide

Send her a message but cut out the "if you ever want to talk" bit as that puts the onus on her. Don't say anything that draws attention to the fact that you got pg again quickly - that doesn't happen for everyone.

Just keep it simple. eg "I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you. I know I was at rock bottom for a long time after my miscarriage and I didn't want to talk to anyone so it's totally ok not to reply, I just wanted to send you my love"

This is perfect. Send this or similar but don't avoid it completely or it comes across as cold. As much as I didn't want to talk to pregnant women about being pregnant it didn't mean I didn't want acknowledgement of my loss and meant a lot even when distant cousins contacted me.
TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 30/09/2021 08:37

Thats an excellent message, I'd send that, best of luck with your pregnancy

smileyotter · 30/09/2021 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bigassbeebuzzbuzz · 30/09/2021 08:44

OP I've been there but it was a friend not a family member. I just sent a message saying I was sorry and here if she needed me. It's tough I get it but ide leave the ball in her court.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2021 08:45

Yeah you need to contact her, she’s going to perceive you as being uncaring etc if you don’t.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 30/09/2021 08:46

SinoohXaenaHide great message. I had a MC last year. The only responses I found inappropriate or painful were the "I find this awkward so I'm just going to pretend you didn't tell me / that I'm not pregnant la la la" type.

girlmom21 · 30/09/2021 08:48

"I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you. I know I was at rock bottom for a long time after my miscarriage and I didn't want to talk to anyone so it's totally ok not to reply, I just wanted to send you my love"

This is perfect

BentBastard · 30/09/2021 08:50

Based purely on my own experience I would contact her with a nice message but leave the ball in her court. My sister and I were both pregnant at the same time and I phoned her on way from hospital saying I might be miscarrying and I never heard from her again for ages. She never even called to ask how it went. I was so hurt.

I expect it came from a similar place as you now but yeah, a message would have meant a lot.

Couchbettato · 30/09/2021 08:53

When I had a mc I hated how no one talked about it. Like they were saying Voldemort or something if they had to say it. It made me feel so isolated and lonely and it frankly put all the brunt on my partner to deal with my emotions which didn't help him with his.

I guess it's different strokes for different folks. I can see your being pregnant being a nail in the coffin, but to me someone's fertility success wasn't going to make my fertility issues any worse. I just needed a hand to hold.

I think you'd just need to judge whether you think she's got an appropriate support network before opening the door to her, but any support even from someone who is pregnant is better than no support.

allflownthenest · 30/09/2021 08:56

I had to have an ERPC at 16 weeks, the baby died at 12 weeks, I was devastated and everywhere I looked I saw pregnant women. Saying that, maybe just drop her a card and some flowers, every bit of kindness helps and ignoring it makes it seem as if you do not care, which you obviously do. When she comes to terms with it she will see you as a beacon of hope as you are now nearly at full term. I went on to have 2 healthy children.

Inertia · 30/09/2021 09:07

@SinoohXaenaHide's message is perfect- it conveys your sympathy with no pressure.

Merryhobnobs · 30/09/2021 09:14

Please send a message. At least she will be able to look back and know you cared. She may not reply and it may be too hard for her knowing you are pregnant but the message will let her know you are acknowledging her pain.

I've been in your shoes and in her shoes. One of the worst things about miscarriage is the taboo it seems to have,

Nomorepies · 30/09/2021 09:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Feelslikealot · 30/09/2021 09:15

You can't help it that you're pregnant. I think the message pp said is perfect, it's better to say something than nothing.

Nomorepies · 30/09/2021 09:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

MrsMiddleMother · 30/09/2021 09:17

How did you find out about her miscarriage? If she didn't tell you herself then I would not message her. I would have been even more upset after my miscarriage if I thought people were gossiping about it and me too.

ddl1 · 30/09/2021 09:22

How did you find out? Basically, does she know that you know? If she does expect you to know, then I would send a brief message to say that you are sorry for her loss. If not, then she may wish to be private.I would say anything about 'if you want to talk' as that might possibly sound patronizing and as though you are setting yourself up as a therapist - especially if she knows that you are pregnant. Just say that you are sorry.

StrawberrySanta · 30/09/2021 09:24

That message suggestion above, I wouldn't send that as it sounded like you was spinning it around to be about you. The part about I know how it feels etc
I wouldn't say that, just say you are thinking of her and are there if she ever wants to talk

ddl1 · 30/09/2021 09:24

I meant 'I wouldn't say anything about 'if you want to talk''