Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not contact family member after they had a miscarriage?

38 replies

Onaloop · 30/09/2021 08:17

I just found out that a family member has had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. We are not super close but very friendly when we do see each other.

I had a late miscarriage at 19 weeks last year and so thought about reaching out to her to say how sorry I am, and say if she would ever like to talk, I'd be happy to as I know how difficult losing a baby is, however I am currently 36 weeks pregnant and I also know that when I lost my baby I didn't want to speak to any pregnant women and struggled thinking about friends who were having babies so I was thinking maybe I shouldn't contact her at all or wait a bit?

I just wondered what other people thought, especially if you've had a miscarriage around that time/12 weeks? Would it be inappropriate to send her a message?

OP posts:

NovRainbow5 · 30/09/2021 09:29

I’ve had 4 miscarriages and I can remember every single person who messaged me just to say they were thinking of me. It meant a lot. I think a message along the lines of “I’m thinking of you & partner, sending lots of love” just shows you care and are being thoughtful

Flittingaboutagain · 30/09/2021 09:31

Personally my family share each others' news so it would be the norm to reach out even if getting good or bad news second hand. If that isn't typical then she may not want people to be sharing her private news.

Original poster

Onaloop · 30/09/2021 09:42

Her Mum passed on the news to me. I think I will just send her a short message saying we're really sorry and not mention the talking part.

I remember feeling very lonely after I lost my baby and it did help when friends who had gone through something similar reached out but none of them were pregnant and I really didn't want to hear from my pregnant friends for a while so I wasn't sure which way to approach it. Thanks everyone for all your input!

OP posts:

akwuahaj · 30/09/2021 10:18

Sorry for your loss OP. When I suffered a miscarriage the bit that really helped me was lots of people reaching out who had experienced the same thing. Most of these I didn't even know about as they happened before I knew the people. Definitely reach out and if it was me I'd personally see your situation as one of hope, you've suffered loss but then gone on to have a successful pregnancy. Best wishes for the safe arrival of your LO soon OP.

SpiceWeaselBAM · 30/09/2021 10:43

I think it's always better to err on the side of clumsy support than hurtful silence.

Just make sure it's clear you don't expect a reply.

Member984815 · 30/09/2021 10:47

When I had a miscarriage , I didn't tell anyone really and felt so alone and went into a kind of depression for months , I wish I'd spoken about it more and had better support after , I would message her saying you were thinking about her .

DeepaBeesKit · 30/09/2021 10:57

I think it's ok to message her.

When I had one of my mcs my family member was heavily pregnant. I didnt mind her messaging me because actually the fact that she had had a mc herself but was subsequently having a successful pregnancy was a source of comfort & hope for me.

DeepaBeesKit · 30/09/2021 10:58

I think it's the fact that you've experienced it yourself that makes it ok. For me it reminded me that while devastating, miscarriage is common and usually followed by successful pregnancies.

Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 30/09/2021 11:49

I've had reccurent misscariges and when people didn't say anything or ignored was more hurtful. This is what I would have liked, " Hi thinking of you and your partner right now, if you ever want to talk I am here for you. Let her know or her mum there are organisations such as tomys for misscariges and baby loss. X

HP123 · 30/09/2021 21:59

I recently had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. My SIL also had a miscarriage last year and was heavily pregnant at the time of my miscarriage.

She did text me after the miscarriage but have seen her several times since and she has not asked how I am etc and tbh I'm a bit pissed off about it!

I think it's unfair to assume that someone who has just had a miscarriage doesn't want to see or talk to anyone else that's pregnant. I would've liked to have had her support

SunAndSea37 · 30/09/2021 23:17

I like the suggestion of the message above. For me it wouldn’t be to hard to deal with the fact that you’re pregnant as you understand what she’s been through. I recently had a loss and the cult of silence has been unbearable, all my family seem to have just forgotten (apart from an “it’s nature’s way” message to my DP which hurt my feelings even more!)

You sound really thoughtful and congrats on your pregnancy x

Viviennemary · 30/09/2021 23:21

If she didn't tell you personally and you found out through a friend I wouldn't say anything. Maybe she doesn't know you heard about it.

KatherineofGaunt · 30/09/2021 23:27

I felt actually offended when close family members and friends didn't even mention it, let alone said how sorry they were. I think saying something is far better than ignoring it, if you're close to the person, pregnant or not.

Flip

1 2