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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Worried about dd

54 replies

Restart10 · 29/09/2021 21:58

We have moved to the UK from another country and it has been such an adjustment for my dd 5yo. She is such an anxious little girl and has always been. She has also started roughly a months at a very academic prep school and is still crying every night as she should be settled in by now. Her teachers and the kids are so lovely, however we do stand out. She was assessed for entry, although in my home country we do start formal education much later. I think the work, and academic side is stressing her out alot. The kids do seem to be quite intelligent and have been there for years so are moulded to the schools level of teaching, and my dd I think feels very behind compared to the other kids. The school really is a very good school with an excellent reputation about being nurturing. Today she said that while doing her work was tearing and wiped her eyes before anyone saw. I feel so heartbroken.
This is the same pattern though, we were in nursery and another prep school in my home country and she was exactly the same. Alot of social anxiety and just overthinking absolutely everything.
Please don't be harsh, Im feeling very down. We have made this massive move for a fresh new start after a very traumatic loss of our baby, and feel like we have no support here and letting our darling girl down by not being able to help her. In our home country she has been for play therapy for many years dealing with this but it seems like it may be her personality. She is very negative and hard on herself. If she makes a mistake, she puts herself down alot. Im not sure where this has come from, dh and I are very hands on parents with all the time in the world for her. How can I help my child?

OP posts:

titchy · 29/09/2021 22:06

Sending her to a non-academic school instead seems an obvious solution, is there a reason you're not considering this?

sjxoxo · 29/09/2021 22:21

I have no kids (yet, pregnant with my first!) but didn’t want to read & run- you say you don’t know where this characteristic comes from- she is hard on herself, overthinking etc- this must come from somewhere? Do you or your partner have high stress jobs or lifestyles for example? You say she had the same issues at nursery so I don’t think it’s the school environment that is causing her to develop these thought patterns. Is she a perfectionist? Think honestly on your own character & anyone else’s in your family- are you sure this comes from nowhere? It could be shyness, social anxiety, perfectionism..
If you ask her why she feels upset what does she say? She might be able to give you more information than you think. Hope things get better for both of you Xox

Bobsyer · 29/09/2021 22:25

I would move her from that school tbh. It's making her unhappy, and if she has a history of being really tough on herself, then I don't think being in such a pushy academic setting will help. The school might have a good reputation for pastoral care but IMO they're unlikely to be as supportive as a 'normal' school.

I am so sorry for your loss, I hope the move brings you some comfort in time

nanbread · 29/09/2021 22:32

The post above feels a bit unfair and victim-blamey for me. Whatever the reason your DD is like this, doesn't really matter - whether it's anyone's "fault" or not doesn't change the way things are and cannot be undone. It might be impossible to work out anyway.

What does matter is that you accept it and put things in place to help her. Which you want to do so that's great.

I'm so sorry to hear you lost your baby. I can tell you desperately want the best for your little girl.

Moving school and country is a huge upheaval at that age and can take several months to adjust to, even a year. As your DD is clearly a sensitive and anxious child she's going to feel it more.

I think the most important thing you can do is listen to her and accept her feelings whatever they are, for as long as she needs you to. Did she want to go to that school? Does she now?

Try to have as much laughter as you can too and give her a sense of control and choice in her life.

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/09/2021 22:32

Has she been assessed for ASD? A key sign of ASD is emotion dysregulation. In boys, it’s often a meltdown. In girls it’s often crying at the drop of a hat. Both boys and girls have feelings of not belonging or being worse than other children.

My elder DD was like yours, cried every day when she started school. Would get frustrated and call herself stupid, even hit herself. Completely at odds because no one ever called her that and we’d constantly reassure her. She has a mild form of ASD (as well as severe dyslexia).

nanbread · 29/09/2021 22:39

@PlanDeRaccordement

Very good point

Original poster

Restart10 · 29/09/2021 22:43

Thanks for the replies. We primarily chose the area and school due to dh work. Also because of the smaller class numbers and individual attention dd needs. An example, she was extremely self conscious to ask for the toilets. So in the second week she wet herself and stayed like that rather than ask. I went in and spoke to the teacher and they have set aside a time where they very discreetly ensure she feels comfortable to go. They would even call through to let you know if you ate worried. My dh says he was exactly the same when he was little. He never learnt to grow out of it, just adapted himself to whatever the Situation was.
She is a worrier, an overthinker and such a perfectionist. She really beats herself up about the tiniest thing. This is now the 3rd school environment and she isn't happy. I'm not sure if me being a sahm has hindered her in any way. She's always had me or dh at home at any point so is just content in our bubble. I pick her up and she's in a good mood, it's just the night and the morning saying she doesn't want to go.

OP posts:

Saracen · 29/09/2021 22:54

A very academic prep school sounds like a poor fit for a child who puts so much pressure on herself. Why not look at other types of schools.

You might also consider home education, which could suit her well - that would let you be very gentle with her and separate learning from competition and performance. Schools have to mark work and set tests because the teachers don't have enough one-to-one time with each child to assess what they know by simply observing them and talking to them. But you know your own child very well, so you wouldn't have to set her formal "work" as a school does.

A child with perfectionist tendencies is going to find ways to compare her performance with where she thinks she should be, there's no doubt about that. But you can create an environment which doesn't feed that tendency of hers. Then she can relax more.

Original poster

Restart10 · 29/09/2021 22:57

She hasn't been assessed for ASD but has been for sensory issues. She was in OT and Play therapy for a few years. The therapists both describe her as a highly sensitive child. Tonight she was very worried about dh getting older, which meant that he might get sicker. I'm not even sure where that came from. We listen to her alot, and try work through her feelings and direct her to the root to help her feel better. Just at a loss as it seems like countries, schools and life in general is overwhelming for her.

OP posts:

LittleGwyneth · 29/09/2021 22:58

a) an extracurricular that she is good at and enjoys - celebrating her for that
b) a child therapist if possible
c) leave it a term and move her if she's still struggling
d) praising her for making an effort, being kind, all the other important aspects of life.

user1471519931 · 29/09/2021 22:59

I really feel for you. Have you considered getting a dog?

Original poster

Restart10 · 29/09/2021 23:06

We have considered homeschooling but I don't think in the long term it will be worse for her. We have seen that during covid. We were online schooling for a year so she was in a very relaxed environment, but her social skills just suffered. Her previous school was more middle ground academically and she wasn't happy there either. I'm so worried that she will never be happy in life. We have starting watching a series on the growth mindset and having lots of discussions with her about it and today she told me tried something that was difficult because she wanted to be positive. But at night time, the tears and worry starts.

OP posts:

AprilHeather · 29/09/2021 23:09

I would consider home education if you are able to. Even if not for the long-term, during this time of upheaval when she is distressed in a formal education setting, it may be beneficial for her to be at home with you where she feels safe. Home education doesn’t have to replicate school, you can pursue her interests.

Downsize2021 · 29/09/2021 23:10

Oh bless her. I have a wee girl like this in my class. We're not a hugely academic class but she hasn't had any formal schooling so needs a bit more support still. Whenever mum tells me she's worried about something, I spend time reassuring and smiling to let her see it's all fine. Her reading book got wet and she was distraught and and day she forgot her book bag. Now I know these things worry her I make sure i am breezy and happy and in her first couple of weeks, rather than pushing her learning, I've concentrated on building a relationship with her. I show her pictures of my pets and we look at her interests online together. She's slowly getting used to school and knows she's safe with me. Please speak to the teacher and hopefully they will do their best to reassure her.

Original poster

Restart10 · 29/09/2021 23:22

I'm also worried that we may have bubble wrapped her alot. She has always had me at home, so she was very comfortable and secure in her own space. We then play and have a very relaxing evening. Dh has been doing the drop and pick up with me almost every day as well just to reassure her. She has always had us there, so no real chance to deal with anything difficult on her own. We took her out of the first school as she wasn't happy, the second coincided with us moving so again we left, I also don't want her to learn that if something is slightly difficult we keep leaving without trying to work on it.

OP posts:

justasking111 · 29/09/2021 23:38

Could she be grieving about the baby?

XelaM · 30/09/2021 00:31

Try to organise a few playdates with some of her classmates, so she gets one (or more) good friends there. That will make the school days much better.

XelaM · 30/09/2021 00:32

Maybe ask the teachers to get the other girls to include her in their games, so she is not so focused on the academic sid

XelaM · 30/09/2021 00:44

I also think an "emotional support pet" (we have an amazingly kid-friendly cuddly dog) and maybe hobbies outside of school would help. My daughter (who can also be extremely sensitive/negative) has been riding horses for years and spends every day after school at the yard, which definitely helps with more positivity (fresh air/ponies are very therapeutic). Maybe she might like horse riding?

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 30/09/2021 01:16

Aww bless. Is she really only 5 years old? It sounds like she is a bit young for school. Would you consider keeping her home for a year or so with you?

ThirdElephant · 30/09/2021 05:57

Is she a summer born?

Jossbow · 30/09/2021 06:40

Bless her, she is %, and at her third school!

Thats a lot for any child, never mind an anxious one.

Never mind being discrete, most 5 year olds will be group directed to go to the loo and wash their hands before lunch as a matter of course.

I'd imagine she finds it hard to make friends, because in her little life, no sooner does she do so, than you move/take her away. In addition, her baby sister has also gone.

Now she is in a setting that sounds as hough it has high expectations..... I dont wonder she is anxious. Take the pressure off the poor wee mite

HarlanPepper · 30/09/2021 06:51

I am so sorry about your baby.

Is your daughter really only 5 or is that a typo? I don't understand how the other kids in her class can have "been there for years", or what kind of academic work happens in a class of five year olds that is making your daughter feel stressed out, especially in a nurturing environment.

itsgettingwierd · 30/09/2021 06:51

ASD or a similar neuro diversity that causes over sensitivity actually was the first thing that came to my mind.

You said yourself she was like this before the move with things she's known since birth.

This is a feeling inside her - but the environment may be aggravating it.

I would commission an OT here as a first point if call.

Newuser82 · 30/09/2021 07:19

So my son at that age was very similar. It’s very hard and I think you do need to get things in place to help her be able to cope. We did a course of private cbt. It was parent led so we learnt tools in order to be able to help him ourselves. It worked brilliantly. I could let you know the name of the lady if you like? We did it via zoom during lockdown. We have since moved our sons school for a different reason but he has coped with the changes brilliantly. Good luck

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