To end a friendship over this?

[neitheraborrowernoralenderbe]

I lent my friend a few hundred pounds worth of baby stuff a couple of years ago, just before her baby was born and when mine was a toddler. It was lent on the understanding that she’d give it back when she was done with it. It was a lot of stuff including some big ticket items - she literally filled her boot with it. I wasn’t worried about it because she’s a close friend of 20 years’ standing. She implied she was very hard up at the time so I wanted to help her.

In the 18 months since then I have barely heard from her - she replies to my messages but never instigates - and have seen her once, again at my instigation. (She has also moved into and refurbed a £1m+ house so perhaps wasn’t as broke as she’d made out, but that’s by the by.) She does have a track record of going completely quiet on me.

I started making some noises about needing the baby stuff back a few weeks ago as I’m now pregnant again and got a “yes, I’ll drop it round to you”. This never materialised.

Then someone I didn’t know turned up at my house with a specific thing I’d lent my friend - it turned out she’d lent it on without asking me and had given her my address to return it. I was a bit taken aback but pleased to have the item back at least.

I have now directly asked for the rest of it all back as I’ll need it soon and got a very airy reply of “oh yes we’ve still got your [single item] haven’t we”. I replied basically saying “yes and the rest..!”. She is now saying some of it is in storage and some at her house. If I let her know which day I want to pick it up she’ll get it ready. She can’t remember what she borrowed so I have had to send her a list of the main things that I remember (there was a lot but I can’t remember exactly what - I am kicking myself for not making an inventory at the time).

So she’s lost track of what she borrowed, lent some of it out to a person I don’t know and is now expecting me to drive over an hour to her house to get my own stuff back, although it seems she will only return the things that I specify. I am pregnant and have DC and a full time job. I feel like a fool for lending her anything in the first place.

I am very pissed off and considering ending the friendship over this. AIBU?

This happens a lot with baby stuff. Do you think she actually has it? Probably not tbh which is shy she’s making it difficult.

Never lend anyone anything that you aren't prepared to lose.

Never lend anything you want back.

You were very clear that it was a loan and she accepted the items under those terms.
If it was me I'd be reminding her of that and saying if you can't find them, you will need to replace them.

Whether loaning baby stuff is a good idea is neither here nor there. You offered a clear loan. She accepted. She needs to return the items or replace them.

Unfortunately this is a live and let learn situation.

She doesn't really sound like a friend.

You need to weigh up if the stuff is worth the journey. Maybe look on Facebook and see if you can get it secondhand locally (as its third hand now anyway).

I've been stung before. I won't do it again, I only give what I'm prepared to not see again.

She was very cheeky to lend it on to someone else. However, I think you bear as much responsibility as her for not keeping track of what you have her. There’s no way I could remember now what clothes people gave me for my baby, and they’re only ten months old. If you can’t remember what was yours it’s a bit tough to expect her to.

I know this doesn't change her attitude, and it should be her doing the running, but what you could do, to help you get your things back, is write a list of what you actually need for this baby and then tick off against the list what you're sure you had the last time around and therefore would have gone to her. That will help you to remember some of the stuff you lent her.

I've seen many threads started on here over the same situation. It always ends the same!

When you lend people anything, it's always wise to do so on the understanding that you may not get it back, despite assurances from the borrower.

Your friend isn't really a friend is she? She's a very insincere and unpleasant individual! You've helped her out, and she's rewarded your kindness with total disregard. Now she's on the up, she has no need of you in her life.

I don't realistically see you getting all of your lent items back. Her lending your stuff on is incredibly rude, it wasn't her stuff to dole out to all and sundry. I'd get back what you can, and then sever all ties. Friends like her you can definitely do without.

I would get as much back as you can then cut ties

It doesn’t sound like you have a friendship left to end, she has already ended it a while ago.

Thanks for all the replies. Lots of food for thought.

Perhaps this friendship just doesn't mean as much to her as it does/did to me. That's quite a hard thing to come to terms with to be honest. I have really valued her friendship over the years but she distanced herself from me once before when she was in a relationship and it seems like the same thing is happening again.

Lesson learnt I guess. I can just about to afford to replace it but am sad about some of the items I have used with previous DC for sentimental reasons. I'm sad about the friendship too. I will never lend stuff like this out again!

If you can’t remember what was yours it’s a bit tough to expect her to.

There are elements of this I think but on the whole she doesn't sound like much of a friend. It's not just the taking stuff, it's also the periodically going quiet on you. I'd get as much back off her as you can and then just stop contacting her. Don't make a big thing of it, just go quiet and see what happens.

Did you offer the baby stuff or did she ask for it?
When I had my first child, four people pressed baby items that I didn’t want on me. I didn’t use most of them and some of them just took up space. Other items included a car seat which I did use but the friend who had given it to me, then got pregnant and asked for it back which meant we had a three hours car journey to return it to her and I then had to buy a car seat anyway. The same thing happened with a cot and a baby bouncer (which I never used as I already had) and bags and bags of baby clothes, none of which I used.

I put most items in a spare room but I couldn’t have said who owned what.
I felt these items were pushed on me, not from kindness, but because other people felt better themselves for giving it to us and felt ‘their’ items were better than anything else.

At the time. it felt really overwhelming and I’m sure I gave some of the things to charity instead of back to the ‘owners’.

She sounds like a really crap friend.

Retrieve what you can just to make a point and end the friendship. She’s got no respect for you.

Never lend baby stuff that you want back.

I'd drop her like a hot coal. Who needs a friend like that? I expect people to treat my belongings with care, because that's how I treat other people's things when I borrow them. Too many people are too careless and selfish to bother, so I simply don't loan things to people unless they're family members I love.

You probably weren’t the only person to be giving her baby items OP. She was probably getting hundreds of items from multiple people over an extended period and with a new baby and moving house it’s not surprising that she wasn’t able to keep track of who wants what back, whether it’s in storage or not. It does sound like the friendship has probably moved on and the resentment you feel probably means you might be better off investing in friendships you feel more valued.

I wouldn't expect to ever see baby stuff lent out again, to be honest. However, I would expect her to at least pretend to be apologetic! She doesn't sound like much of a friend. You won't hear from her if you don't do the work anyway.

@Dancingonmoonlight

Did you offer the baby stuff or did she ask for it? When I had my first child, four people pressed baby items that I didn’t want on me. I didn’t use most of them and some of them just took up space. Other items included a car seat which I did use but the friend who had given it to me, then got pregnant and asked for it back which meant we had a three hours car journey to return it to her and I then had to buy a car seat anyway. The same thing happened with a cot and a baby bouncer (which I never used as I already had) and bags and bags of baby clothes, none of which I used.

I put most items in a spare room but I couldn’t have said who owned what.
I felt these items were pushed on me, not from kindness, but because other people felt better themselves for giving it to us and felt ‘their’ items were better than anything else.

At the time. it felt really overwhelming and I’m sure I gave some of the things to charity instead of back to the ‘owners’.

She asked for it! I was given the impression she needed absolutely everything and I let her pick and choose what she wanted from all that I was able to lend. There were definitely a few things she declined. I didn't foist anything upon her.

I wouldn’t have a clue who lent me what, sorry. In turn, I’m a bit like that with books. I lend them then forget whom to.

Yabu. Never lend what you are not prepared to lose.

I think neither of you are blameless actually. Yes she is being unreasonable by not being apologetic and for lending the stuff on. However, I do think you are unreasonable to lend all that baby stuff out and expect it all back, even if that's what you agreed at the time. My friend and I have lent each other loads of stuff back and forth over the past two years but, despite our best efforts, neither of us have managed to give everything back to each other. She returned my next to me crib broken and lost one of my maternity shirts, I had to throw away one of her baby toys that we broke, and I definitely never returned all her son's clothes - in fact I can't remember which ones were even his. We're both realistic with each other and apologetic but we both get it.

I don’t know, was ot her first baby? It’s over a long period of time so I imagine she actually didn’t remember what was yours and what was gifted to her by other people, and everything has got mixed up over time so she has no idea what to give back. Also surly somethings would have got stained/ruined and only bin worthy after that.

The 1mil house doesn’t mean much, that could just be equity that has built up over time so that’s why she has a bigger house but paying the same money, I know lots of people with big houses but not the funds for extra spending money.

Baby furniture items - yes, should be returned. Clothes no, anything special keep. Otherwise don’t expect to get them back.

I thought someone was giving me some baby clothes and when they dropped it off they clarified it was a loan. The whole lot stayed unpacked and given back when my child had outgrown the size. It would have been a nightmare to remember which bits were theirs once all mixed in. Plus things get stained, holes in etc. I know that's not helpful to you as you lent expecting everything back, but I can see how she doesn't remember this far on.