To end a friendship over this?

[neitheraborrowernoralenderbe]

I lent my friend a few hundred pounds worth of baby stuff a couple of years ago, just before her baby was born and when mine was a toddler. It was lent on the understanding that she’d give it back when she was done with it. It was a lot of stuff including some big ticket items - she literally filled her boot with it. I wasn’t worried about it because she’s a close friend of 20 years’ standing. She implied she was very hard up at the time so I wanted to help her.

In the 18 months since then I have barely heard from her - she replies to my messages but never instigates - and have seen her once, again at my instigation. (She has also moved into and refurbed a £1m+ house so perhaps wasn’t as broke as she’d made out, but that’s by the by.) She does have a track record of going completely quiet on me.

I started making some noises about needing the baby stuff back a few weeks ago as I’m now pregnant again and got a “yes, I’ll drop it round to you”. This never materialised.

Then someone I didn’t know turned up at my house with a specific thing I’d lent my friend - it turned out she’d lent it on without asking me and had given her my address to return it. I was a bit taken aback but pleased to have the item back at least.

I have now directly asked for the rest of it all back as I’ll need it soon and got a very airy reply of “oh yes we’ve still got your [single item] haven’t we”. I replied basically saying “yes and the rest..!”. She is now saying some of it is in storage and some at her house. If I let her know which day I want to pick it up she’ll get it ready. She can’t remember what she borrowed so I have had to send her a list of the main things that I remember (there was a lot but I can’t remember exactly what - I am kicking myself for not making an inventory at the time).

So she’s lost track of what she borrowed, lent some of it out to a person I don’t know and is now expecting me to drive over an hour to her house to get my own stuff back, although it seems she will only return the things that I specify. I am pregnant and have DC and a full time job. I feel like a fool for lending her anything in the first place.

I am very pissed off and considering ending the friendship over this. AIBU?

@Usuallyhappycamper

I thought someone was giving me some baby clothes and when they dropped it off they clarified it was a loan. The whole lot stayed unpacked and given back when my child had outgrown the size. It would have been a nightmare to remember which bits were theirs once all mixed in. Plus things get stained, holes in etc. I know that's not helpful to you as you lent expecting everything back, but I can see how she doesn't remember this far on.

This happened to me and I did the same! Wrapped it up carefully and didn’t use. They did ask for it back and then leant it on to someone else! It was an expensive item so I don’t blame them for wanting it returned but I knew my child would probably stain it at best and ruin it at worse so I didn’t use it in the end. This friend never did have anymore children either. She just keeps lending the item out and asking for it back. Strange!

If people offered me baby stuff I always checked that they didn’t want it back. Otherwise I would simply be storing it for them until they wanted it back. I couldn’t use it, as I wouldn’t remember what belonged to who.

You were very clear that it was a loan and she accepted the items under those terms.
If it was me I'd be reminding her of that and saying if you can't find them, you will need to replace them.

^I agree with this. Some of the other replies on here blaming the OP are bizarre.

I know it’s an hour of your time and you shouldn’t have to inconvenience yourself getting it back, but I would do it. I mean you’ve probably spent more than one hour of your time ruminating over this thread, right?
Get back what you can, maybe combine the trip with something pleasurable for yourself too. She may have had PND or not had good MH during Covid that’s had an impact???? Take the situation from there……

Goodness me, she certainly turned her life around in a couple of years! Having to ask for baby stuff to moving into a £1,000,000 house!! That’s amazing.

Baby furniture items - yes, should be returned. Clothes no, anything special keep

I agree. Clothes are impossible to maintain with babies. They should be given, not lent. But If you have given her things like a cot, pram, car seat etc. and discussed it being a loan as you were planning more, then absolutely she should return them. She quite obviously can't as she has lent them to other people. Be forthright and say can you give me these items back or not, if you can't can you replace them? You have nothing to lose here in being direct. If you let it go it will stew in you and she's done as a friend anyway. If you are direct you have a chance of getting some items and she should probably be done as a friend anyway seeing as she is lending your stuff to other people.

Never lend anything you want back

Helpful.

You're not being unreasonable OP. It sounds like your items served their purpose with your 'friend' and now she really couldn't give a shit.

I'd like to think that most people actually take care of stuff they borrow in order to return it, and that those that don't and do this sort of shit are in the minority. Clearly not from the responses on here.

If it was a few hundred pounds of stuff and she now has a £1M pound house she can reimburse you for the big ticket items that’s true.

I'm going to disagree with the majority: I think she's a CF. Clothes I get that you wouldn't remember, but it doesn't sound like clothes if it's big ticket items. If you are given a loan of something you look after it and return in good order or replace it.

My SIL gave me a baby toy which was quite pricey, my older child fell one day and damaged a part. When the time came I replaced it and kept the one which was a little damaged- this did my DC2 and DC3 and then went on to the children's charity. It's only polite to return items given in good faith.

Dear X
I lent you xyxxyx to help you with your childcare needs on the understanding I would have the things back. You will know they have
monetary and sentimental value to me.
I was surprised to get XYZ back via a complete stranger to me, but thankful to have it returned.
It's important I have the rest of our things back now so I can meet my families needs, and obviously, as you must know, to replace them all will not only be a financial challenge to us, but a great loss in sentimental value.
I'd like to have them back by ccvvcc.

PS - she is no friend

It sounds like the friendship has run its course.
I lent a v good friend of mine an expensive pram. I said that I wanted it back when she was done. Lots of other things I just gave her.
Anyhow years later when I fell pregnant I reminded her but she just avoided the conversation.
We were however good mates so I just wrote it off and never mentioned it again. I reckon she passed it on to someone.

Sadly, it sounds like you haven't got much to lose at this point so, how about being really specific with her? How about telling her that you're disappointed to have to chase her about this? You could tell her that you have a lot on and ask her to bring the things round?

Your life philosophies are world's apart! I would just move on OP.