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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is this not a compliment?

150 replies

SaltLampCity · 29/09/2021 14:17

I had therapy a few years ago and she said I needed to take focus away from seeing the value in what I do to see the value in who I am instead.

I've been seeing someone for a while. He very rarely compliments me. He will comment positively on things I've done (eg food tastes nice, candles look good, I bought a nice dress) but not on who I am.

He says things like "girls look pretty/sexy/cute" when they [insert whatever I'm doing] but never tells me that i do. It just feels really cold and impersonal. He claims these are compliments. To me it feels I have just prompted him to tell me what he finds desirable in women in general. Nothing about me.

For example, we went away at the weekend. I was siting partially clothed on the window seat in the hotel room. He came over and 're-positioned' me into a pose he finds sexually alluring (not explicit, just a pose he likes) including making minor adjustments to the direction my feet were pointing and how my clothes were draped. Then he said "you look sexy like that."

He claims it was a compliment. It makes me feel cheap. I reads to me like "I want to fuck women when I see them sitting like that. And now I've made you look as though I want to fuck you too".

There's just nothing about me in that at all. He could have positioned the woman next door like that and she'd have looked equally sexy.

AIBU?

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 29/09/2021 17:18

@MasterBeth

He doesn't control me in any other way except when it comes to how I present as a woman.

No, no, no. This is not a great claim!

Agreed. Every controlling arsehole starts somewhere. The thin end of the wedge. Get you to change something "small" before building up to the big stuff.

Buffoonborisisatwat · 29/09/2021 17:19

If he makes you feel uncomfortable or self-conscious or awkward in any way, then you're not compatible. Tell him that and move on.

Sidehustle99 · 29/09/2021 17:21

There's no intimacy. We have sex but it's not intimate. The last time we had sex was that day and I felt like I was a prop.

You've called it yourself. He's been objectifying you rather than relating to you. You really deserve to feel special in your own right in a relationship. Not for your potential.

lazylinguist · 29/09/2021 17:23

I think he feels quite resentful that he lacks the attributes to get the sort of woman he'd really like so I think he is doing some of these things withe to try and mould me into something that is closer to what he wants.

I was about to post something along those lines until I saw your later post. It sounds as if he's decided the easiest way to get the woman of his fantasies dreams is to find a woman and train her to look/be like that. What a creep. I'd be dumping him before he tries changing anything else about you, OP.

Fillybuster · 29/09/2021 17:31

OP, trust your instincts (& all the replies on here...) & finish it. This doesn't sound like a relationship that will enable you to grow or where you will thrive; you can do better.

@MyPatronusIsACat great post for the most part, and a big yes to the majority of your points, but....I don't agree with your final analysis. I think there are quite a lot of very decent men out there, who take immense pride in their partners' achievements, and even more so when those same partners outperform them. Admittedly there's a loads of shitty ones too, but I don't think that should detract from the fact that the good ones exist (& I don't think are all that rare....I know quite a few).

NotSure94 · 29/09/2021 17:33

My partner tells me I'm gorgeous when I'm covered in sheep poo wearing oversized hiking gear and no makeup. There are plenty of loving men out there - he doesn't sound like one of them.

toocold54 · 29/09/2021 17:34

It does sound like you need to work a bit harder on loving yourself before getting into another relationship. 'needing' compliments to be happy is not healthy.

I voted YABU as I strongly agree with the above statement and feel that you are overanalysing what he is and isn’t saying - not everyone is great at giving compliments.

I often will tell someone they look sexy when they wear that, do this etc so I don’t think that’s a red flag at all and definitely not abusive.

However I do believe in a gut instinct and if you are seeing red flags in anything then I think you should listen to your gut and break up with him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/09/2021 17:36

loveinthe90s
^"Op he sounds REPELLENT! Like some kind of dreadful incel. 🤮
Come on... you can do better"^

OP
"I think he feels quite resentful that he lacks the attributes to get the sort of woman he'd really like so I think he is doing some of these things withe to try and mould me into something that is closer to what he wants."
That is an incel! Wants a Stacy, regards you as a Becky (and that's another non-compliment from him), resentful. Total incel attitude.

"I don't think it's intentional. He doesn't control me in any other way except when it comes to how I present as a woman."
Controlling you in ANY way is unacceptable. Wanting you to present in a particular way - yuk.

Original poster

SaltLampCity · 29/09/2021 17:38

@toocold54

It does sound like you need to work a bit harder on loving yourself before getting into another relationship. 'needing' compliments to be happy is not healthy.

I voted YABU as I strongly agree with the above statement and feel that you are overanalysing what he is and isn’t saying - not everyone is great at giving compliments.

I often will tell someone they look sexy when they wear that, do this etc so I don’t think that’s a red flag at all and definitely not abusive.

However I do believe in a gut instinct and if you are seeing red flags in anything then I think you should listen to your gut and break up with him.

Thanks. I appreciate the response.

No/awkward compliments are one thing but this doesn't feel right and his 'compliments' always make me feel 'less than' and not better.

OP posts:

DeclineandFall · 29/09/2021 17:40

He's a narc. The compliments are about how you make him feel not about you. I knew one like this. Made me feel vaguely shit about myself until I cottoned on. I tried to talk about it and he just didn't grasp the point at all. The odd compliment he did give always had a qualifier which negated it- eg you're attractive, for your age. That sort of crap.

Original poster

SaltLampCity · 29/09/2021 17:49

By some fluke most of his friends have very attractive girlfriends/wives. I think he is embarrassed that I am not one of them and a little envious.

OP posts:

Kuachui · 29/09/2021 17:55

I want to look sexy for my man.. By being me!!! Not by being forced into a position that suits him - _-

honeygriff · 29/09/2021 18:03

That's given me the creeps. I've watched too many serial killer documentaries to be chilled about it.

middlingmess · 29/09/2021 18:04

Horrific that he did that to you.
You are not a piece of meat to be rearranged for sale in a butchers window.
I'm not surprised this has you questioning your relationship.

pinkyredrose · 29/09/2021 18:08

He sounds a very insecure, inadequate sad little man. Dump immediately!

HollaHolla · 29/09/2021 18:10

Get. Rid.

SoundBar · 29/09/2021 18:13

It sounds like he has treated you badly from the start OP.

Please dump and block ASAP.

Focus on your self esteem and knowledge of what a healthy happy relationship looks and feels like.

You deserve so much better. It's not you, there is nothing wrong with you at all

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/09/2021 18:21

OP you’ve moved inside his head and you’re criticising yourself from his warped POV.

Get out of there now and start saying amazing things to yourself, boosting and fortifying yourself.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/09/2021 18:22

(That was in response to your last post about the other wives and gfs).

nonevernotever · 29/09/2021 18:33

Another adding to the chorus of dump him .

VanGoSunflowers · 29/09/2021 18:51

@AtrociousCircumstance

OP you’ve moved inside his head and you’re criticising yourself from his warped POV.

Get out of there now and start saying amazing things to yourself, boosting and fortifying yourself.

Well said and a feeling that is all too familiar to me.

Looubylou · 29/09/2021 21:00

His idea of a compliment is actually telling you you need to do/be better! The kind gentleman thing is a front/trap. He will become more and more demanding and therefore emotionally abusive - get out now before it escalates. The more little things you accept the worse it will get. My god, worse and worse scenarios are playing in my head. Please escape before you are staring in videos or become a swinger, as it pleases him. 🤮

Looubylou · 29/09/2021 21:04

Starring!

hollyhocksarenotmessy · 29/09/2021 21:43

Joining the chorus that he is weird and his 'compliments' are not for you as you are, but a way to influence you into becoming more like his ideal fantasy girlfriend.

The comment that you looked sexy after he posed you is weird an uncomplimentary because

if you find someone sexy it doesn't depend on how they look for a few seconds, they just are.
he was literally in the middle of sex with you. If he didn't already think you were sexy, wtf was he having sex with you! To pose you during a sex break and say something that means 'ah yes, NOW you look sexy' is fucking insulting.

Newestname002 · 30/09/2021 00:22

@SaltLampCity

He doesn't control me in any other way except when it comes to how I present as a woman.

That doesn't sound good at all, OP. I'm glad you are ending this unhealthy relationship. 🌹

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