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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is this not a compliment?

150 replies

SaltLampCity · 29/09/2021 14:17

I had therapy a few years ago and she said I needed to take focus away from seeing the value in what I do to see the value in who I am instead.

I've been seeing someone for a while. He very rarely compliments me. He will comment positively on things I've done (eg food tastes nice, candles look good, I bought a nice dress) but not on who I am.

He says things like "girls look pretty/sexy/cute" when they [insert whatever I'm doing] but never tells me that i do. It just feels really cold and impersonal. He claims these are compliments. To me it feels I have just prompted him to tell me what he finds desirable in women in general. Nothing about me.

For example, we went away at the weekend. I was siting partially clothed on the window seat in the hotel room. He came over and 're-positioned' me into a pose he finds sexually alluring (not explicit, just a pose he likes) including making minor adjustments to the direction my feet were pointing and how my clothes were draped. Then he said "you look sexy like that."

He claims it was a compliment. It makes me feel cheap. I reads to me like "I want to fuck women when I see them sitting like that. And now I've made you look as though I want to fuck you too".

There's just nothing about me in that at all. He could have positioned the woman next door like that and she'd have looked equally sexy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
SaltLampCity · 29/09/2021 15:11

Thank you

You haven't said anything I didn't think myself but wondered if there were would be anyone who agreed with him which would at least mean he might have encountered women who shared his ideas.

But it's unanimous.

OP posts:
Lunde · 29/09/2021 15:14

This is really creepy - it's like he sees you as an extra in his sex fantasy and not as a person with your own needs and desires.

Has he had a lot of sex with prostitutes? The repositioning of you to be sexy "for him" and the lack of intimacy for you sounds like he wants a transactional relationship that is all about his wants and needs

AzraiL · 29/09/2021 15:14

He doesn't see you as a person, but a prop who's purpose is to please him aesthetically and sexually.

PegasusReturns · 29/09/2021 15:18

The positioning you is absolutely bizarre.

Dehumanising and creepy. Yuk.

Original poster
SaltLampCity · 29/09/2021 15:21

@Lunde

This is really creepy - it's like he sees you as an extra in his sex fantasy and not as a person with your own needs and desires.

Has he had a lot of sex with prostitutes? The repositioning of you to be sexy "for him" and the lack of intimacy for you sounds like he wants a transactional relationship that is all about his wants and needs

Apparently not. But how does anyone know for sure?

Yes, it does feel transactional. He always 'sorts me out' first but in this occasional it also felt like he did that so he didn't have to consider me again and could get on with the important job of him.

Tbf, if I ever say no or indicate no, he stops straightaway but I think I was just a bit stunned at the weekend and we were having a nice time otherwise etc.

OP posts:
3scape · 29/09/2021 15:24

He doesn't sound as though he has any romance or attachments to individuals. Just entirely a sexual attraction and any woman could sit in that cut out fantasy in his head. Sorry, he sounds very shallow and not worth heartache

Beetlewing · 29/09/2021 15:28

That's literal objectification. I'm glad you see it

UndeadSlut · 29/09/2021 15:33

I've dated (and shagged) a lot. I have NEVER known a man to "pose" me in the way you describe. It's repulsive behaviour. And then he has the cheek to say it's "normal" for women to want to look sexy?! It's normal for women to do whatever the fuck they want!
This one goes in the bin.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 29/09/2021 15:33

You feel like a prop because that is all you are to him.

An aid to masturbation.

The things he claims are compliments aren't because they aren't about you. They're about him. It's not 'you look nice', it's 'this view gets me off'.

Original poster
SaltLampCity · 29/09/2021 15:36

The things he claims are compliments aren't because they aren't about you. They're about him.

Yes, thank you. That summarises it nicely!

OP posts:
WhatAShilohPitt · 29/09/2021 15:36

If something unsettles you or makes you uncomfortable and a man explains it away with ‘it’s normal for other women to...’ (or any variation of that) instead of listening to how you feel, then he’s trying to make you feel like you’re the one being unreasonable.

Most women probably do not like being posed as a sex doll in order for a man to say he finds them attractive. You don’t owe it to him to tolerate it just because he thinks you should.

DoodleBelle · 29/09/2021 15:38

He sounds awful but it also sounds like you need to work on your self confidence and rely less on compliments. Not a good match anyway I’d get rid OP.

LittleGwyneth · 29/09/2021 15:39

Whether the posing thing was okay or not (I wouldn't mind it personally) you didn't feel comfortable therefore it wasn't okay for you. It sounds like he's not the right person for you to be with.

pinkyredrose · 29/09/2021 15:40

He came over and 're-positioned' me into a pose he finds sexually alluring (not explicit, just a pose he likes) including making minor adjustments to the direction my feet were pointing and how my clothes were draped. Then he said "you look sexy like that

Fuck that shit

Rannva · 29/09/2021 15:40

Sounds a bit creepy and rubbish. He's trying to make you 'earn' compliments if you fit his standards. What kind of negging loser tells a new date that "girls [ie: other girls] are sexy when they do..."

"To want to look sexy?" Christ, chuck this one back in the 1960s where he belongs.

dworky · 29/09/2021 15:42

He's totally objectified you & doesn't feel the need to pretend otherwise.

Lottle · 29/09/2021 15:43

I wonder if he's done some of that creepy training on how to get girls. I can't remember what it's called. Game? Either way I couldn't cope with that. Trust your gut.

CatalinaCasesolver · 29/09/2021 15:43

Massive creep no no no my skin is crawling just thinking about it!

mewkins · 29/09/2021 15:47

If your mutual friends ask why you binned him off you could say he wasn't making you feel great about yourself. If they push it, tell the truth. Honestly they have no idea what he would be like in a relationship so they are not able to judge.

MakingM · 29/09/2021 15:49

Oh no, OP, he is not a good one.

Have you ever seen Sleeping With the Enemy?

Trust your instincts. If he doesn't make you feel special and loved, he is not the man for you.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 29/09/2021 15:53

Along with PPs, I'd recommend trusting your instincts.

Neither Pygmalion nor the Rex Harris role in My Fair Lady should be interpreted as role models for men

SinoohXaenaHide · 29/09/2021 15:53

YANBU these are not compliments. Whether he says "girls look sexy when..." or "you look sexy" he is just letting you know how well you are doing at pleasing him, and pleasing him is not the sole point of your existence.

Compliments would be about you:
You look powerful
You look sophisticated
You look demure
You look graceful
You look elegant
You look mischievous

If you are in a positive and mutually appreciative relationship there's nothing wrong with also saying that he finds you sexy, but that is about him so it's not a compliment.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 29/09/2021 15:57

@Ughmaybenot

I’d have felt so grossed out by that, he physically moved you into position?! 🤢 you’re not a sex doll!! Massive red flag for me personally.
This. Moving your partner into a specific pose like that is not normal behaviour. It's grossly objectifying.
PinzQueen · 29/09/2021 15:57

It must feel really maddening to you. How he acts like you're a vase and not a woman.

Original poster
SaltLampCity · 29/09/2021 16:00

@PinzQueen

It must feel really maddening to you. How he acts like you're a vase and not a woman.
I don't know how I feel tbh.

Sad, anxious, worthless. I don't know.

OP posts: