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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Post baby sex (lack of!)

42 replies

Crystalann · 28/09/2021 22:53

Firstly I’m married to the most amazing man who is a wonderful husband and father to our 9m old son.

The trouble is sex - I simply don’t want any.
He’s frequently horny and there’s no anatomical post labour reason not to but I’m tired literally every waking moment and I’m just not feeling in the mood ever and since we decided whilst I was (pump exclusive) breastfeeding to not use hormonal contraceptives (but I’ve had a first period) we’ve used condoms but he takes soooooo long to finish using them (regardless of brand or type it seems) and I’m trying to balance having sex often “enough” when I just have no desire to.

On the odd occasion we have had sex I do climax but then I’m just waiting for him to finish and even before I climax it feels a chore to get over with.

95% of the time when he expresses interest we don’t have sex because if I’m less than enthusiastic he respects me and doesn’t push it and the other small percentage either I’m (extremely rarely) in the mood “enough” or I feel like it’s been too long without and I have to tick it off or it’s a problem.

I want to have desire for him again, I crave the affection but even that quickly leads to him showing interest and then I feel conflicted so I’m leaning away from seeking the affection that I DO enjoy from him as I don’t want to keep “leading him on” for something I cba to do.

I’ve always had a lower sex drive but I’m worried how long his patience can stay like this for before it starts to cause problems for us.

Any suggestions how I balance this better for us?

OP posts:
Verbena87 · 28/09/2021 22:56

How often does he take the baby on his own so you get a break? An hour or so to yourself each day to do nice things (not laundry/housework/work-work) with nobody touching you or needing anything from you is magic. Without it you’re not going to want sex when you could be sleeping.

Original poster
Crystalann · 28/09/2021 23:09

If I’m poorly he has done but usually, if he does, it is so I can catch up on exactly those things (laundry, housework, work).

We’re both working full time hours, although his is standard 8.30-5 mon-Fri where as mine is two days in the office and three evenings and Saturdays to balance not using what feels like my entire salary on childcare. He has a good chunk of Saturdays “off” as I take the baby with me while I work and every other Sunday until about 2pm for his airsoft days so it feels like our lives don’t allow for much “nothing” time.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 28/09/2021 23:12

Why are you taking the baby to work when he is off?!? Knock that on the head!

He can revisit the topic of sex when he picks up equal amounts of housework and childcare. Taking the baby so you can do the washing etc is not giving you a break.

Merryoldgoat · 28/09/2021 23:13

This all sounds massively unequal.

Why is it your salary funding childcare? Why isn’t he pulling his weight with housework?

It’s utter madness to split it like this and you’ll resent it.

How the fuck can you not be exhausted working basically every hour there is?

Original poster
Crystalann · 28/09/2021 23:13

I should also say it wouldn’t make much of a difference on the Saturdays if I left him with baby except he’d be less relaxed but for me it’s no different taking him as the people I visit while working enjoy seeing the baby immensely and I love that he has a healthy “guys” hobby - he doesn’t see anyone while working and needs a social outlet as he doesn’t do the pub/football anything like that

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 28/09/2021 23:13

That’s your answer op. No free time so you’d rather rest than have sex. Get time to self, you’ll feel rested and more like you which should translate to more desire.

Original poster
Crystalann · 28/09/2021 23:17

It’s not “my salary” in the sense that I pay all the childcare - just in the sense that when you look at our joint income the childcare bill is proportionate to about 80% of what I earn if we don’t structure it the way we are. We don’t have family to assist us so pay full whack. He does do some housework too so honestly this isn’t one of those “lazy ass in the background posts”

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 28/09/2021 23:18

Great that he gets some hobby time...when is your hobby/quiet bath/binge watch netflix in bed/just being left the fuck alone time?

BurntO · 28/09/2021 23:20

OP, you never get a break or time off from being mum. That could be a contributing factor. I take it you care for baby on the days you work evenings? You must be bloody knackered. Don’t put yourself down. You need more balance in your life

Original poster
Crystalann · 28/09/2021 23:21

There isn’t any - any time that could do that I spend pumping. Which I suspect he views as relaxing because I can have the tv on while I do it but it’s nothing like relaxing!

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalann · 28/09/2021 23:22

Yes I have baby during this time because hubby is working.

He works with telephonics technology where as I work in care so our jobs have a different level of physicality to them too

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2021 23:26

You can pretty much guarantee when a post starts 'my dh is so amazing' , the op will then detail anything but.

So, your dh gets all the down time in your house, you get zero, you have sex with him when you don't want to...anything else?

Verbena87 · 28/09/2021 23:26

Pumping is not relaxing, it is literally hard work - you can physically see calories (ie energy) leaving your body!

If sex matters to you I think you’re going to have to negotiate some down time untouched and at peace for you.

If maintaining your current schedule matters to you, you’ll need to both accept that desire-fuelled sex is likely off the table until you have a bit more breathing space.

CanofCant · 28/09/2021 23:31

Do you think your guilt of not wanting as much sex as he does is leading you to do more than your fair share? It doesn't matter that your co workers like seeing your baby, your husband should be taking care of him, for various reasons. It will give him time alone with his son, he will appreciate how difficult it can be, it will increase his confidence and ability in caring for his child and will let you focus on your work and give you a bit of space.

You definitely need time alone not being touched or catering for anyone's needs but you. God, I remember being so touched out with my first, I couldn't stand anyone near me once she was in bed, not even the cats.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2021 23:33

Anyway, you balance it better by having equal downtime. So, that's the same amount of time each, and who could argue with that, whilst not looking after an awake baby, not doing chores, working, commenting or expressing.
If there's ten hours spare, that's 5 each. Not 10 for one party, 0 for the other.

CanofCant · 28/09/2021 23:33

And yes, pumping is anything but relaxing, I fucking hated it. It was exhausting and just a different way of being pawed at albeit by a machine.

whoknew23 · 28/09/2021 23:36

I hated the stress of pumping, I'm only 3months pp but I have enough of constantly being touched during the day and then by the time my dh comes home I just want to sit and be left alone.

It's so hard not getting a break.

Haggisfish3 · 28/09/2021 23:36

I found breastfeeding killed my libido. It came back about a year after I stopped.

BrendaBubbles · 28/09/2021 23:39

To be fair your drive can be entirely wiped out while breastfeeding, it’s natural and hormone based. Even if you had the spare time, you might not be interested so definitely do not give him any sort of promises or quid pro quo (“I need you to take the baby more and I might have sex with you “ etc.) You need to claim your time and get him to step up more but without any expectation on his part for now.

Macaroni46 · 28/09/2021 23:58

I'm going to go out on a limb here. Why not ease off on yourself? Maybe consider mixed feeding ie introduce some formula to stop the need for pumping and look into some alternative contraception. I had my babies quite some time ago but I don't understand this obsession with EBF. Breastfeed if you can and for a period of time but not at the expenses of your mental health and relationship. Once the child is older no one ever asks or cares how it was fed as a baby.

Chloemol · 29/09/2021 00:17

So you have the baby when he works, and you have the baby when he does his hobbies/downtime and you are working!

That’s nuts

You need down time as well. So on the Saturday you are working he looks after the baby. On the Sunday you both get down time. He can do his hobby, then come back and take over looking after the baby for you to have some me time

Original poster
Crystalann · 29/09/2021 05:03

Thanks all. It’s interesting that breastfeeding (pumping) killed libido for others too. Perhaps that will improve when I stop? As a care worker I had my vaccines early and now I have my booster booked for 2wks time and I intend on stopping very soon afterwards so he gets those important antibodies first but I am seriously so done with being hooked up and milked! Blush (no anti vax please - I’m firm in my beliefs)

I am going to chat with hubby about aiming for some down time for me. He’s offered before to have him if I want to go see friends etc it’s just that I never do because I just want to rest but maybe he needs to see the value in that.

On the Sunday afternoons we tend to aim for something family based all together but as his hobby is fortnightly I might ask for the other Sundays to be my down time. I appreciate the point on not suggesting it leads anywhere though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalann · 29/09/2021 05:16

@arethereanyleftatall

You can pretty much guarantee when a post starts 'my dh is so amazing' , the op will then detail anything but.

So, your dh gets all the down time in your house, you get zero, you have sex with him when you don't want to...anything else?

Yes I lack in downtime. It’s pretty universally agreed I need more.

But

The sex side of when I don’t want to is on me not him. If I show any reluctance at all and then back track in an ‘oh go on then’ way he still doesn’t take up that offer. We both want me to want it not be putting up with it. I do believe sex is an important part of a happy marriage and mentally I want to have that desire back in our lives but physically it’s just missing. He’s an active hands on dad and for example gets up early for work every single day to feed the baby while I pump, pushes him when we’re out cos I’m tired, takes him off me in the pool so I can swim laps in our weekly swims etc but mostly I think he’s amazing because he wholeheartedly does care about my feelings and never guilt trips me into sex like so many men do to their women. I think he’s just maybe worried it will always be like this. (A little bit so am I!)

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 29/09/2021 06:55

It's so interesting that none of these men worry about how long their wives' patience will last with them being unhelpful and unequal round the house but still expecting regular sex.

Waspsarearseholes · 29/09/2021 07:00

What you've described isn't an amazing 'hands on' parent. You have extremely low expectations of what a hands on, equal parent does. What you've described is something a sulky teen sibling would reluctantly do, not a hands on parent.