Post baby sex (lack of!)

[Crystalann]

Firstly I’m married to the most amazing man who is a wonderful husband and father to our 9m old son.

The trouble is sex - I simply don’t want any.
He’s frequently horny and there’s no anatomical post labour reason not to but I’m tired literally every waking moment and I’m just not feeling in the mood ever and since we decided whilst I was (pump exclusive) breastfeeding to not use hormonal contraceptives (but I’ve had a first period) we’ve used condoms but he takes soooooo long to finish using them (regardless of brand or type it seems) and I’m trying to balance having sex often “enough” when I just have no desire to.

On the odd occasion we have had sex I do climax but then I’m just waiting for him to finish and even before I climax it feels a chore to get over with.

95% of the time when he expresses interest we don’t have sex because if I’m less than enthusiastic he respects me and doesn’t push it and the other small percentage either I’m (extremely rarely) in the mood “enough” or I feel like it’s been too long without and I have to tick it off or it’s a problem.

I want to have desire for him again, I crave the affection but even that quickly leads to him showing interest and then I feel conflicted so I’m leaning away from seeking the affection that I DO enjoy from him as I don’t want to keep “leading him on” for something I cba to do.

I’ve always had a lower sex drive but I’m worried how long his patience can stay like this for before it starts to cause problems for us.

Any suggestions how I balance this better for us?

Whilst you are still breastfeeding / pumping the hormones are not making you desire sex. For me a month after stopping, desire came back.

Stop taking the baby to work. You say the people you visit like to see him which I'm sure is true but a) you can't possibly focus properly on work whilst caring for a baby and b) you're carrying the mental load of caring for a baby whilst at work for goodness sake, you are doing too much.
Also, it's good for dads to have proper solo time looking after their children for more than an hour or two. Think of it as their time and a chance for their relationship to flourish.

I think pushing the buggy is the absolute bare minimum of dadding, just as not pressuring anyone into sex is the bare minimum of being a decent human. Raise your standards. You get no downtime, you take your baby to work (is that safe or sustainable), you're breastfeeding, you've got a baby under 1, all understandable factors and he could definitely be supporting you better.

Are you even allowed to take the baby to work? I can't see how you would be able to focus on being a carer with a baby in tow. I've worked in sheltered housing and from what I have seen carers are really busy with rushed back to back appointments and having a baby with them would just slow them down and complicate things. Your baby might be better behaved than mine were though!

@Haggisfish3

I found breastfeeding killed my libido. It came back about a year after I stopped.

This I didn’t want anything to do with sex while I was feeding I was touched out and the hormones completely killed my libido and made it painful It will come back in time but it is literally nature’s way of stopping you having babies too close together Your body is trying to stop you having sex!

You won’t always be like this. You’re sleep deprived, over touched and lacking in estrogen.
You can immediately change how you feel but when you have regular down time and have stopped pumping you’ll start to feel better.
I think your schedule sounds totally punishing. Is this really working for you?

Just reread my last message and it sounds a bit abrupt. What I meant was don't your managers mind you bringing your baby to work? It's just something I haven't come across before, and I would think it might cause complications in an emergency, problems with insurance etc. I obviously don't know your set up though so those things might not apply. I hope it all works out though and you get more time to yourself equal to what your husband gets.

Yes, breastfeeding does kill your libido. I think it’s a combination of hormones and being completely touched-out.

With regards to the division of childcare, just be careful you don’t end up taking all the mental load on yourself. For example, when you go swimming who checks swim times, checks you have swim nappies, packs baby’s things, takes baby in with them to get changed, makes sure baby’s clothes are folded and kept dry, dries and dresses baby, unloads the bag back home, washes the towels and costumes and puts everything away? Is your DH taking equal responsibility for those things, or is he just ‘helping’ out by holding baby and doing the odd delegated chore? He may well be an equal parent - I hope he is - but so many women drift into doing everything without even realising it.

Those were only three examples of many things he does but I 100% concede your previous point - social conditioning at its strongest! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Re work on Saturdays it’s a private care role I’ve held for many years and it’s their extended family who like seeing baby and I don’t have to do anything during this time except focus on my work. On the odd occasion baby has had snuffles so I’ve not bought him there’s been huge disappointment!

@Crystalann

It’s not “my salary” in the sense that I pay all the childcare - just in the sense that when you look at our joint income the childcare bill is proportionate to about 80% of what I earn if we don’t structure it the way we are. We don’t have family to assist us so pay full whack. He does do some housework too so honestly this isn’t one of those “lazy ass in the background posts”

But when you apportion it out across his income and your income it looks different. Plus you get to be working having some independence, keeping your skills relevant, increasing your earning potential, pension eligibility, etc.

Plus him having the baby by himself is about him 1) building a relationship with his child and 2) him learning to look after his child properly so he can actually parent.

I agree with PP. He doesn't get 'Dad of the Year' just because he doesn't pressure you into sex!

I think you just need to have a really open and honest conversation with him, explain how you feel and be just honest. Tell him your sex drive is really low at the moment, not because you dont fancy him or think hes attractive, but because you are so mentally and physcially exhuasted that it just doesnt even cross your mind.

Tell him you want to get back on track and be having sex more often, but you need his help to have some down time to recover, even if its just an hour a day not doing housework, just switch off have a bath and not have to worry.

Im sure if he links allowing you to have some time off means more sex for him, he wont be arguing!

By all means keep taking the baby on Saturday but make sure it's factored into the time balance. Your clients may feel differently once your baby is a toddler and running round everywhere and dad will have to step up then.

I wonder how long your patience with his selfishness can last without causing problems for your marriage. And how long you can cope physically and mentally without ever getting any time off.

Firstly I’m married to the most amazing man who is a wonderful husband and father to our 9m old son

Every time a woman posts this I know its going to be followed by a description of a man not pulling his weight. I wonder why we feel so guilty for acknowledging when men don't share the load?

There is nothing more destructive of libido than exhaustion. Maybe for some women breastfeeding is a factor but breastfeeding time does also tend to be the time of maximum tiredness unless the father steps up to do their share of other work or night waking.

You DH gets a day off for his own leisure pursuits - when do you get your day off? Why isn't he pulling his weight around the house if you both work full time? Don't think of childcare costs as just your responsibility either.

Look objectively at what both of you have as leisure time and what you each have for personal spending money. If the two are not fairly equal between you then you need him to redress that balance. Then your libido might come back.

Im sure if he links allowing you to have some time off means more sex for him, he wont be arguing!

I’m not convinced this is a good idea as it sets up the idea of a trade. He should be stepping up because it’s right, not with sex as a carrot.

So, it took until this evening for me to raise it but we talked about everything. He said I’m silly for not talking before now because he’s been trying to make me feel desired in case I just felt less sexy post baby and he wouldn’t have been if he knew how I felt. I’m going to take the alternate Sundays for “me time” and he’s encouraging me to mention if I want anymore anytime in the rest of the week. We’ve agreed he will just assume sex is fully off the cards for now with me to tell him when that changes and just focus on affection for now so we both feel loved 🥰