Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable to say this about his son?

44 replies

FlowersNRain · 28/09/2021 20:02

DH is annoyed with me because I apparently "attacked" his son, my DSS.

For background, I've been around for quite a while, SS is 10 and I've been in his life since he was 4 nearly 5.

He is going through a moody stage at the moment and throwing tantrums if he doesn't get his own way about things. In particular if he ever has to share anything.

I usually bite my tongue about most things and let DH crack on but to be perfectly honest it's starting to get irritating.

Anyway, tonight we spoke about it and I said I think DH needs to put stricter limits on things like screen time because it seems to be the biggest trigger for this and to be perfectly honest he is acting like a spoilt brat at the moment.

Now I do a lot for DSS and always have, we get on really well and I care for him a lot so I was definitely not coming at this from any sort of maliciousness, just genuinely that he is acting very spoilt at the moment and it needs addressing.

Anyway, DH has gone in a huff and said I've attacked his son (DSS wasn't here) and a sarcastic "sorry he's (SS) such a burden to live with" as if I'm some awful witch from a Disney movie.

So AIBU? I maintain that DSSs behaviour at the moment isn't okay and is spoilt and needs addressing. As a SP are you just never allowed to say? Are you never allowed to feel annoyed or irritated like normal parents do and voice this?!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/09/2021 20:06

Yanbu

Does he usually respect your opinion?

Theunamedcat · 28/09/2021 20:09

Who deals with the tantrum you or him? If its you I suggest a long campaign of messaging dh you need to deal with your child if he asks why tell him it's not your place it's his

FleasInMyKnees · 28/09/2021 20:12

Has anything happened to change his behaviour, does his dad address his behaviour at the time or just let him throw a tantrum. Is he spoilt or just being grumpy, if it affects you and other children his dad should deal with it. You can never seem to win trying to discipline someone else's child.

ShaneTheThird · 28/09/2021 20:18

Ew he needs to grow the fuck up. My DSS is 4 and can be a brat and I tell dp when his son is acting up and being spoilt. As far a do is concerned he has told me to treat Dss as if he is my own child. I really don't understand people who introduce step parents, expect them to do things with their kids then kick off if step parent disciplines or brings up child's behaviour. Ridiculous.

Merryoldgoat · 28/09/2021 20:22

You don’t sound unreasonable to me.

Maybe83 · 28/09/2021 20:23

Of course you can express your opinion on his behaviour and how it may be improved.

I'm a SM, DH is my dd SD and we have a joint child.

I wouldn't wouldn't tolerate DH using names like that about any of them. I absolutely despise it when I hear people calling kids spoiled brats, little witches etc etc etc.

For me it's like calling an adult a cunt or a bitch etc.

It also doesn't separate their behaviour from them. Which I find causes a cycle of you call them xyz, they continue to be have in xyz way.

So maybe it was the language you used rather than the point you were trying to make.

Also he is 10 prime time for the start of puberty. If his mood and behaviour has changed recently its probably that. Which I found usually means reverting to temper tantrums, mood swings and complete and utter unreasonable behaviour at times.

He absolutely should be thinking of ways to improve things and take your suggestions on board to do it.

Yummymummy2020 · 28/09/2021 20:24

No I think you are right and it’s in his best interests to address this behaviour.

magictoadstool · 28/09/2021 20:24

YANBU. And to be honest, they both sound like they might be being brats Wink

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/09/2021 20:26

He cant have it both ways.

Either you are a step parent, and this means you get involved (not to the same extent as his parent who gets final say, but you do get the right to an opinion) and you do parenting duties.

Or you aren't a step parent so he does all the disciplining of his son and makes all the decisions 100% on his own. But he also does all the other parenting on his own, all the drudge work, washing, cleaning, cooking etc for his son, school pick up and drop offs, play dates etc

He cant pick and choose your level of involvement when it suits him.

itsgettingwierd · 28/09/2021 20:27

@Yummymummy2020

No I think you are right and it’s in his best interests to address this behaviour.
I agree.

My first thought was your addressing it because you care about him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 20:34

Yep, what Drink said. I’m happy to pitch in but I’m DH’s wife and my DSC’s step mum, I’m not an unpaid baby sitter who’s jobs involve laundry, cooking but no say in their behaviour when under my roof. He values my opinion and if he stropped at me raising an issue I’d be doing an awful lot less to support him parenting them.

It sounds like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree if this is how your adult husband acts when he’s challenged on anything…

Summerfun54321 · 28/09/2021 20:35

Agree it was probably the language you used. “Irritating” and “spoilt brat” sounds like you think of him as a little shit whereas it sounds like you really care about him and just want to put some firmer boundaries in place for everyone’s sake.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/09/2021 20:37

Not unreasonable at all. He is, though...
He's not doing his son any favours.

immersivereader · 28/09/2021 20:38

Sounds like your DH is picking and choosing your opinions on DSS. Which isn't good.

I'd step back tbh

HeartsAndClubs · 28/09/2021 20:41

For me it's like calling an adult a cunt or a bitch etc. don’t be so ridiculous.

Children can be and often are spoiled brats. It’s nothing like calling them a cunt. FGS.

ShaneTheThird · 28/09/2021 20:43

For me it's like calling an adult a cunt or a bitch etc

This is ridiculous and makes no sense at all. Calling a child a cunt or bitch is not the same as calling them a brat Jesus fucking Christ Grin

SmellyOldOwls · 28/09/2021 20:46

It's probably your choice of words that's got his back up, I'd hate to hear DH say something like that about our DS. Talk to him about his behavior for sure but lay off the insulting terms.

Constellationstation · 28/09/2021 20:52

I think ‘spoilt brat’ sounds harsh and is unnecessary when you’re having a calm conversation about the situation. I hate it when my partner calls our son things like that. Ultimately it is name calling.

Sh05 · 28/09/2021 20:56

I don't think op used the words 'spoilt brat' in front of her dh, she's explaining to us what she thinks of his behavior which is triggered by too much screen time. That's what I took from the op anyway.
He needs to decide whether you are part of this child's life and as you already are then he needs to take on board your opinion.

Standrewsschool · 28/09/2021 20:57

I don’t think you are unreasonable. If he’s having tantrums, then he is acting like a sport brat. You need to put in boundaries now, else teenage years could be hell.

Maybe you hit a nerve. Dh perhaps recognises this poor behaviour in his son, but doesn’t want to confront it or acknowledge.

DressedinStars · 28/09/2021 20:58

Hmm I think you could have worded it better.

But yanbu. You say he is like this when he has to share, like what is he expected to share and who with?

Original poster
FlowersNRain · 28/09/2021 21:04

@Sh05

I don't think op used the words 'spoilt brat' in front of her dh, she's explaining to us what she thinks of his behavior which is triggered by too much screen time. That's what I took from the op anyway. He needs to decide whether you are part of this child's life and as you already are then he needs to take on board your opinion.
I did, I said to DH he was acting like a spoilt brat.
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 21:06

I said to DH he was acting like a spoilt brat

And he was. So fair enough! You even framed it as his behaviour, not that was is or was a spoilt brat.

Tilltheend99 · 28/09/2021 21:07

It’s ludicrous that the term ‘spoiled brat’ can’t be used anymore. Sounds like a case of spoiled parents to me.

TikTokNutcases · 28/09/2021 21:17

YANBU.

My OH has been known to be equally as defensive when I raise an issue with him about his children's behaviour, and I've been on the scene the same length of time as you have.

He is doing his son a disservice by not teaching him appropriate behaviour, he can either project his shortcomings onto anybody who points this out or he can choose to be an effective parent and address it head on.

It sounds like he's opting for option 1.