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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable to say this about his son?

44 replies

FlowersNRain · 28/09/2021 20:02

DH is annoyed with me because I apparently "attacked" his son, my DSS.

For background, I've been around for quite a while, SS is 10 and I've been in his life since he was 4 nearly 5.

He is going through a moody stage at the moment and throwing tantrums if he doesn't get his own way about things. In particular if he ever has to share anything.

I usually bite my tongue about most things and let DH crack on but to be perfectly honest it's starting to get irritating.

Anyway, tonight we spoke about it and I said I think DH needs to put stricter limits on things like screen time because it seems to be the biggest trigger for this and to be perfectly honest he is acting like a spoilt brat at the moment.

Now I do a lot for DSS and always have, we get on really well and I care for him a lot so I was definitely not coming at this from any sort of maliciousness, just genuinely that he is acting very spoilt at the moment and it needs addressing.

Anyway, DH has gone in a huff and said I've attacked his son (DSS wasn't here) and a sarcastic "sorry he's (SS) such a burden to live with" as if I'm some awful witch from a Disney movie.

So AIBU? I maintain that DSSs behaviour at the moment isn't okay and is spoilt and needs addressing. As a SP are you just never allowed to say? Are you never allowed to feel annoyed or irritated like normal parents do and voice this?!

OP posts:

StepAwayFromGoogling · 28/09/2021 21:25

'Spoilt brat' is not a very nice way to refer to any child and is completely unnecessary. Just say 'his behaviour isn't OK, he's acting really spolt'. I'd take offense at someone referring to my child that way.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 28/09/2021 21:29

Imo if you share a home yanbu to mention bad behaviour..

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 21:34

@StepAwayFromGoogling

Maybe you missed her clarifying that she said “he’s acting like a spoilt brat”.

Most people would take offence at living with a 10 year old who throws regular tantrums. So, you know…

LizzieW1969 · 28/09/2021 21:38

Spoilt brat' is not a very nice way to refer to any child and is completely unnecessary. Just say 'his behaviour isn't OK, he's acting really spolt'. I'd take offense at someone referring to my child that way.

^I agree with this. I understand the frustration, as we’re dealing with similar behaviour issues with our DD1 (12) and it must be irritating that your DH isn’t taking your DSS’s poor behaviour as seriously as you feel he should. But I think it might well be you referring to his DS as a ‘spoilt brat’ that’s made him react the way he has.

LizzieW1969 · 28/09/2021 21:39

I know you said he’s ‘acting like a spoilt brat’ and not actually called him that. But it may be the case that your DH has missed that.

IWantT0BreakFree · 28/09/2021 21:44

I wouldn’t tolerate a partner calling my child a spoilt brat. It’s fair enough to discuss challenging behaviour when it impacts on household dynamics etc and to have a discussion but I wouldn’t put up with someone calling my child names.

NormanStangerson · 28/09/2021 21:46

Well, we know where he gets his behaviour from. That is really pathetic from your partner seeing as you’ve been in the child’s life so long and so so much for him.

pommepommefrites · 28/09/2021 21:54

It's the language you used, if anyone called my child names or putdowns it would be hard for me to resist drop-kicking them to fuckery, whoever tom, dick or fanny they were. Maybe you could have been more constructive with the criticism?

Original poster

FlowersNRain · 28/09/2021 21:55

@IWantT0BreakFree

I didn't say he was a spoilt brat. I said he was acting like one.

OP posts:

Original poster

FlowersNRain · 28/09/2021 22:02

DH doesn't deal with it really no. He panders to a lot and its very hard to ignore it.

It's sharing things with siblings so like tonight's example was having to share the TV and then there apparently being NOTHING else he could possibly do with lots of arguing/shouting at sibs and tears.

I said to DH it's getting ridiculous, shouting about how there's nothing else to do when he has more 'stuff' than we ever had growing up it's really not the end of the world to do something else for a while. That's when I said he was behaving like a spoilt brat this evening and it's becoming a regular occurrence and perhaps he needs screen time limiting more if it's getting to this point when he is told to come off/share it.

Perhaps its the brat part but I absolutely maintain he was / does act extremely spoilt at the moment and he's allowed to get away with it.

OP posts:

Brollywasntneededafterall · 28/09/2021 22:07

Imo he wouldn't have reacted so badly if you were actually wrong!!
Also imo it is the calling him out on his shite parenting that he is ultimately pissed off with!!

TikTokNutcases · 28/09/2021 22:12

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Imo he wouldn't have reacted so badly if you were actually wrong!! Also imo it is the calling him out on his shite parenting that he is ultimately pissed off with!!

Yep I agree with this.

The truth hurts and your DSS' behaviour reflects badly on your DH, hence the defensiveness.

Hopefully you can revisit the subject tomorrow once he has had time to think about things, things being that you have a fair point and it needs addressing.

justmaybenot · 28/09/2021 22:14

@FlowersNRain

DH is annoyed with me because I apparently "attacked" his son, my DSS.

For background, I've been around for quite a while, SS is 10 and I've been in his life since he was 4 nearly 5.

He is going through a moody stage at the moment and throwing tantrums if he doesn't get his own way about things. In particular if he ever has to share anything.

I usually bite my tongue about most things and let DH crack on but to be perfectly honest it's starting to get irritating.

Anyway, DH has gone in a huff and said I've attacked his son (DSS wasn't here) and a sarcastic "sorry he's (SS) such a burden to live with" as if I'm some awful witch from a Disney movie.

It very much depends how you said it. Do you think that if you were sympathetic and spoke in terms of the DSS being out of sorts rather than behaving like a 'brat' your DH would have had the same reaction? It might be good to express concern about his behaviour rather than your annoyance (if that's what you did)

Chailatteplease · 28/09/2021 22:15

I didn't say he was a spoilt brat. I said he was acting like one.

This really is just semantics. There was no need for the word ‘brat’. You can just tell him his DS was acting spoilt. I wouldn’t take kindly to either of my DC being likened to a brat either.

justmaybenot · 28/09/2021 22:19

Just saw you did say he was acting like a spoiled brat - well, that might make your DH feel very defensive. I think it best to approach it in terms of how it will help your DSS and the household more generally if you can both figure out how to help him be calmer (rather than 'better behaved') and have clearer boundaries.

ellyeth · 28/09/2021 22:40

His son's behaviour would be none of your business if he was living elsewhere but he is living with you and the way he behaves affects you personally.

I think it was perfectly reasonable of you to tell your partner that his son is behaving badly. I agree with you that too much screen time can make children distracted, lazy and aggressive. I have seen this with a young boy in our family and I think screen time should definitely be rationed - for the child's benefit as well as everyone else's.

I don't think "spoilt brat" is a particularly offensive term, it wasn't said in front of the child and everybody knows exactly what it means - a child who gets too much of his or her own way on everything, making his/her behaviour rude and unco-operative.

People who are very defensive about their children and not willing to take account of their partner's reasonable feelings and concerns would be better bringing up the children on their own and experience the full impact of rude and unruly behaviour.

FleasInMyKnees · 29/09/2021 11:54

Maybe dad feels guilty about the reason he lives with him, is his mum still around. That might make him feel bad about discipline. Do they go out together belong to any clubs or groups, after school activities, maybe dss is bored.

LaBellina · 29/09/2021 11:58

YANBU. I think your DH knows that’s he’s giving into much to DSS but for some reason he won’t discipline him (guilt, possibly, about the divorce). Your comment struck a nerve because deep down inside he knows you’re right, he might have been struggling with this and now he took it out on you. Not ok if you ask me and he should apologize and listen to you, at least.

saraclara · 29/09/2021 12:07

@Chailatteplease

*I didn't say he was a spoilt brat. I said he was acting like one.*

This really is just semantics. There was no need for the word ‘brat’. You can just tell him his DS was acting spoilt. I wouldn’t take kindly to either of my DC being likened to a brat either.

Yep. There's virtually no difference in reality.

If you want to effect change with the other parent, you need to do so using less judgmental terms. It's instinctive to be defensive about ones child when someone uses the words spoiled brat, whatever is either side of them.

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