To feel upset by mums getting into a group

[Confused4313]

I know I’m probably being really immature but I feel upset. I found out yesterday that the mums in DD’s class meet up regularly and over weekend there was a birthday party for a boy that they went to but I had no idea. We’re all in a class WhatsApp group and I thought that was all there was social wise but I realise now they must have been meeting up for years like this outside of the group. I think it’s mainly the boys mums and probably one or two girls mums.

I’ve been very depressed for past 2/3 years so I haven’t been as chatty as I could have been but I do say hello and exchange pleasantries. The mum who told me about these meet ups I consider a friend as we text frequently but we never actually meet up outside of school runs, I thought it was maybe as were both busy with work.

I feel really down and upset. My child is missing out. Her best friend’s mum I have tried to arrange play dates with numerous but she always says she will let me know and never does. I feel I might be coming across as annoying so I stopped messaging her.

What’s wrong with me? Why are they like this. Any ideas what I could be doing without realising?

I keep thinking if I move DD to a new school it could be a fresh start for both of us.

Honestly, I would just forget about them. Be polite etc for the sake of your kids, but other than that don’t bother about them

I doubt you are doing anything wrong at all, they likely just have their group and don’t think to include extras. It feels crap though. You might need to try organise something aside from the play date with your daughters friend yourself. Could you do something at your place?

Nothing.

People make friends. People are allowed to like and opt to socialise with some people more than others. You said yourself you're not particularly close with any of these people and you don't seem to have invited any of them to socialise with you.

Not every child is invited to every birthday party, so unless it's literally every child in the class but yours your DD isn't being excluded, she just isn't invited to everything.

If there are people among the mums that you actively want to know better because you like them, invite them to do something with you.

They just have other friends.

Its not about disliking you. Its just a comfortable group who know each other well.

They are not obliged to invite you. They are not mean to invite you.

Your daughter has a life of her own.

You aren't inviting the group to your house are you?

This is playground mentality where you are going "such and such are friends and won't play with me" and then wailing about it.

Make your own friends. You aren't their responsibility and neither is your daughter.

How many of them are in the group? Is it possible they were friends already from their children being in the same preschool or baby group?

It's likely they're just established friends already and not purposefully trying to exclude people.

Is your daughter friends with the boy who had the party?

If your DD is happy, don’t move her because you’re not! Just ignore them, smile and wave and be polite. Do you have your own friends? It’s horrible to feel like this but school mums are just that, they are not your friends and as the years go by, kids will find their people regardless of whether the mums are friends!!

Sounds like they just aren’t close to you, not everyone’s going to like you, I’m sure they don’t dislike you but same way they might not regard you as a friend more of an acquaintance

Unless there’s a lot more to the story it would be horribly unfair to move your daughters school because these mums meet up without you. And their behaviour is just normal, I’m chatty with lots of mums at my child’s school, some I’d meet separately and some I wouldn’t, it’s nothing personal.

YABU. You not being in their group doesn’t mean they’re excluding you. They don’t have to invite everyone nor do they have to be friends with everyone in their kids class.

OP could you turn it around and invite all their DC and the mums to coffee/play date at yours? Not all together, but individually. The ones your DD gets on with. Or have a Halloween party for them all at your house?

A lot of the school mums were friends from when their DC attended the linked nursery. DD didn't join school until reception, by which time friendship groups had formed.
DD slotted in well, I always felt on the periphery.

Is your DD happy at school? How old is she?

It sounds like it's the Mums of the boys & so I can understand they meet up tbh. They possibly do footie or something outside of school.

Why don't you suggest a social?

When DD was in primary I was one of the few not invited to a Christmas drink - the organiser was embarrassed as DH was in same place and saw them & realised she had left me out (I warned him as I found out about drink when another friend asked if I was going). The organiser claims to be religious 🤷🏻‍♀️

However I have made some great friends through DS class. I think sometimes it's just bad luck. I'm the same person and one group didn't include me yet another group have been so lovely & kind. Some people are just keen to have a clique.

@MrsRobbieHart thank you. That’s a really positive snd good way to deal with this. I think I will!

So it’s not all the mums apart from you?

Within my child’s class I have a group of ‘mum friends’. We socialise regularly and have done for the few years our DC have been at school.

It’s not realistic to expect people to only socialise as a class. I don’t do class parties and my DC aren’t invited to every party either.

We don’t purposefully exclude anyone, our group has just formed naturally over time.

Thank you converse. Yes I think I do come across as friendly but I think subconsciously as I’ve been depressed I might have made it look like I wasn’t. In all honesty everything is such a big deal right now. Even leaving the house to go shopping is hard

Hi op found that a bit with school mums. Hard when they in a group too. Could u suggest a cafe in the group app. Would that break the ice a bit. Its hard though know what u mean.

I'm part of a WhatsApp group for my child's year group...there are lots of smaller friend groups who meet up separately within that group.

They already knew each other some way or another before.

It's ok. We're all relatively new, I kind of wish I was in one of the friend groups too as I'd love to socialise with more mums but I'm giving it time and trying to get as involved as I can and be as friendly as I can.
I've had a couple of meet ups and 'mum meet ups' it's just going to take time.

Don't move your child just yet, just be a bit more involved/ask if someone would like to go for a coffee after the school run

How old is your DD and does she have friends at the school?

The thing is if you are depressed or sad that you don’t want to leave the house that’s probably putting the school mums off, most people want to be friends with happy people and school mum friendships are (usually) superficial they don’t want to know all about your problems they are not real friends, do you have other friends you can concentrate on?

I wonder if it's a friendship group that existed before the children went to school? It doesn't sound like they are excluding just you.

I found School Mum friendships tricky...with my eldest I had a few because the children were at nursery together. With my youngest I felt very much on the outside as having an older one meant I wasnt able to do all the baby groups as easily.

Does your daughter talk about friends at school? Does she seem happy there? If so I dont think you need to feel like she is missing out. Lots of people cant manage play dates for different reasons.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this though. I have struggled with depression and its horrible.

Is it every other mum apart from you?

Or say 5 out of 15 mums?

It's likely that they are friends outside of the school environment or already friends from nursery.

I highly doubt they've intentionally excluded you.

I think it’s more important that your dd has friends in the school. It’s good to hear she has a best friend. But just because she has this best friends, doesn’t mean that you can or will be good friends with her Mum. It doesn’t always work like that.

That is life. People group together and sometimes you don’t get included. Such is life.

I wouldn’t say your dd is missing out just because you are not part of this mini group.

I’m not part of a mini group (from the main yr whats app group) with my dc4. ‘Football mums’. I don’t give a shiny shite that I’m not part of that group. And neither does by dc4 as he hates football.

However. He still has great connections in his class. And dips in and out with some of their kids. They all stand together in the park whilst their kids scrap ok the football pitch. I’ll say hi and chat or go and chat to other mums of my dc3.

Now I am in a spin off group for him. ‘Park meet up’. There’s been some social stuff here and there. Again, I dip in and out of it. So do other Mums who I know aren’t in the spin off group.

But I think the main thing here is as long as the children have social connections in school, that’s the main thing.

If you get a connection too. Bravo. Bonus. But I don’t think it’s a ‘given’ that you find your new best friends in the playground.

A lot of the time. The only thing we have in common is that we have kids in the same school class/year.

I would look for friendships for you out of the playground.

I have 4 kids. And I’ve been let down and
Not included over the years. But I’ve also been included to I have thought some women were friends. But they weren’t. I was simply time fillers pals (acquaintances) and free childcare for them And they’ve gone back to work and I’m not on their radar anymore. Such is life. My point is. Friendships in the playground can be unreliable in my experience. As you’re a ‘school mum’ friend. Or so and so’s Mum. But then I’m sure some one here have found best friends for life in the playground. Good for them.

But be thankful your dd is socially happy at school with a nice friend or two.

My dc3’s best friend is lovely and so is his Mum. But they work full time and simply has no time for friendship with me. She’s lovely. But I just concentrate on my boy’s friendship and I’m thankful for that for him. I won’t sit and feel upset about it. I’m thankful he has social connections.

There’s nothing wrong with you love.

Sometimes you’re part of something. Sometimes you’re not. That’s life.

Focus your energies on your dd’s friendships in her school ‘Her’ school. Not yours.

Focus on finding connections for yourself out of the playground.

Things are opening up nicely now. I’ve enjoyed a new gym. And even a daytime choir. I might not find a close friend. But I’m just happy to be part of something and be around like minded people

Hi op, you've not said how old your DD is but it sounds like she might be in younger primary? It is a harsh realisation when this happens but you just can't take it to heart. No one obliged to include you in anything and it's just the natural order of things. I'm friendly with a few mums at the school. One of the classes I'm very friendly with one mum but that only started in year 3. She is one of the more popular mums and is often out meeting up with other mums from the class, which I'm not invited to. It really doesn't bother me at all. The other classes I have dcs in I have never socialised with but I'm friendly with some of the mums. I know groups of them do meet up and I'm obviously not invited. It's fine. If you spend too much time thinking about it you'll convince yourself there's something wrong with you. There isn't. There's nothing wrong with any of you. It's just how it goes

And don’t move your child from her school because you’ve not made good friends in her school. That’s a bit OTT to be honest. Why should she move and bare the brunt of all that change?
Who says you’ll make friends in the new school.
It’s even harder to break in to social mum groups if you’re new. Believe me. I’ve done that.