To feel upset by mums getting into a group

[Confused4313]

I know I’m probably being really immature but I feel upset. I found out yesterday that the mums in DD’s class meet up regularly and over weekend there was a birthday party for a boy that they went to but I had no idea. We’re all in a class WhatsApp group and I thought that was all there was social wise but I realise now they must have been meeting up for years like this outside of the group. I think it’s mainly the boys mums and probably one or two girls mums.

I’ve been very depressed for past 2/3 years so I haven’t been as chatty as I could have been but I do say hello and exchange pleasantries. The mum who told me about these meet ups I consider a friend as we text frequently but we never actually meet up outside of school runs, I thought it was maybe as were both busy with work.

I feel really down and upset. My child is missing out. Her best friend’s mum I have tried to arrange play dates with numerous but she always says she will let me know and never does. I feel I might be coming across as annoying so I stopped messaging her.

What’s wrong with me? Why are they like this. Any ideas what I could be doing without realising?

'I’ve been very depressed for past 2/3 years so I haven’t been as chatty as I could have been but I do say hello and exchange pleasantries'

It sounds like you don't make much effort and have nothing in common - why would they go to an effort to invite you out on a weekend? Life is busy enough to fit in actual friends people enjoy seeing.

I've been there op. There's nothing wrong with you, it's just some people like to have their own little clique.
It's only going to upset you if you allow it to.

How old is your DD? I wonder if they're mainly boys mums, they are friends because of football or something?

There was a whole boys' mum gang going on in primary which I wasn't invited to because my DS didn't/doesn't play football. I don't think it was personal, it was that their kids saw each other out of school.

Now the kids are in secondary and their sons have realised they're never going to be the next Saka, it all seems to have petered out.

People will have friends that aren’t you. You can’t control that. You can work on your reaction to it. Changing schools is not a proportionate response.

Please be kind to yourself.

I feel your pain OP and it can be hurtful; but I did, as another poster suggested, invited 5 friends for a little Halloween party at our house. The children had a great time and this broke the ice a little with some of the mums.

However, what I have learnt, is whilst the mum’s are pleasant enough for a chat they will absolutely not be my lifelong friends.

Play dates are not all amazing and are very time consuming, they will fizzle out - ds would much rather have friends round to play on a weekend for a couple of hours which is usually (but not always) reciprocated.

Good luck

Being closer to some people than other is not being a "clique". Other adults don't owe you friendship because you have a child of the same age.

If you want to build friendships with people, making an effort to get to know them and being the one to suggest or organise socialising is a good atart.

I hate the school mum thing.

Usually it is not deliberately excluding anyone. Sometimes people find a tribe they like then get lazy about extending it to others.

I've been upset too over the years on various things. And then sometimes I realise I can be exclusive too sometimes. Try not to take it to heart and if you want to build up to more start organising stuff yourself.

If your DD is happy in class, I’d pat yourself on the back and leave it. You can find friends elsewhere if you don’t happen to gel with this random group of people. And I’m not sure if it’s an early years thing but mine finishes school so knackered that I couldn’t contemplate playdates for her.

I'm afraid it might look like I've done something similar. Some of dc1s class parents have become friends, particularly noticeable now dc1 has gone to secondary school but we are still keeping in touch.

Dc2s class theres a few mums who have crossed over into real friends as well.

For both classes, there were some parents I would make small talk at pick up (I'm not at drop off due to work), but didn't feel they wanted to be friends.

Don't rely on the school gate for friends and a social life. Just because other people have children the same age as you doesn't mean that you have anything in common.

You say yourself that it is not all the mums. Its not that you as an individual are being excluded.

Its also not unusual for girls not to be invited to the boys parties and vice versa.

Please don't change your daughter's school over this. It is really unnecessary.

Is it really that great a thing to do at the weekend? Arrange for your child to meet up with friends they’ve seen all week and socialise with other parents who you probably have little in common with apart from your children are friends. Why not take your child to sports classes at the weekend and if you want to meet other parents, get involved with the PTA. I really don’t think you’re missing out on much here.

Same situation op- found out lots of the class met up over the summer holidays and we weren't invited which is really hurtful - l am always really friendly and chatty to them even had a conversation with one of the mums who said she wished we did more as a class....then didn't tell me they were all going.. so now l think fuck them they are not my friends and when dd starts secondary school she will make her own friends. Horrible though.

Doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I remember in dc1's year there were a group who all knew each other-they'd been in the same antenatal class.
In dc2's year I was part of a group that all knew each other beforehand-we all had older children in dc1's year.
In dc3's year there was a group of I think 4 parents who were family siblings/cousins and they formed a group with a couple of people they'd known for years back.

It's not about excluding your and your child so much as they have a friendship group form elsewhere.

Honestly, I would try not to let it get to you. It won't be all the mums in the class except you, it will just be a group of friends and that is okay. I used to feel sad when my child wasn't invited to a party - now I am relieved that we don't have a chunk taken out of our weekend.

I have three children, so 3 different classes of mums. One child's class I am part of a group of friends - there are about 10 of us and we have been friends since our children were at preschool. It might seem like a clique from the outside, but it really is just a group of friends.

Child 2, I think there is a group of mum's who go out, but I'm not bothered by them. I have a couple of women I'm friendly (though not friends) with.

Child 3 - I am quire a bit older than the average age of mum in the class, so I really wouldn't expect them to ask me out. I have 3 or 4 mums who I happily invite with their child for playmates and gave a pleasant time over a coffee or glass if wine with, but we're not close.

People find their people generally - just because you're not their people, it doesn't mean they don't like you.

If you’re feeling depressed it’s really hard to socialise and unfortunately these situations can make us feel even more isolated. I agree with other posters- work out who you may genuinely connect and feel comfortable with and organise play dates which won’t feel overwhelming. Remember many people suffer from MH issues so I’m sure you could open up to some of these parents with time too