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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Attending hen do post baby?

45 replies

Jemsi · 28/09/2021 15:33

The situation is that one bridesmaid will have a 12 week old at the time of the hen. Planning on baby being exclusively breast fed although it is her first.
Her proposed solution is to book herself, husband and baby into a hotel in the town a couple of miles away from hen cottage.
She will come on the Friday night to say hi, then on Saturday morning she will come and prepare brunch for everyone. She won’t partake in the activities on the Saturday and will go spend time with baby.
Then on Saturday night she will join for dinner and drinks and get a taxi back.
Her plan means husband and baby will at no point interact with the hens, but obviously means quite a bit of back and forth and maybe her involvement being quite disjointed.
How would you feel if you were the bride/ what would you do as bridesmaid?
Is the bridesmaids plan unreasonable?

OP posts:

ToykotoLosAngeles · 28/09/2021 15:37

I can't say without knowing if the bride is a bridezilla, or if the bridesmaid is actually her sister/MOH.

However, the absolute most I'd have committed to at 12 weeks post-birth would have been a meal out with everyone. I was still weeping and feeling like I'd been hit by an emotional bus at 12 weeks.

Kisskiss · 28/09/2021 15:37

I think the hen sounds like she is doing her best to attend the hen party in support of her friend, whilst also taking care of her very young baby!

mumofbun · 28/09/2021 15:38

In that situation if i was the bride i'd be more than happy if the bridesmaid said she couldn't make it. If she wanted to go through all that faff then i'd say that was lovely but she really didn't need to feel obliged.

If i was the bridesmaid I would just say sorry i couldn't commit to a hen party at the moment! I'm assuming 12 weeks old is based on estimated due date - could easily only be 8-10 weeks old! She may be being optimistic/feeling guilty she won't be able to do the whole thing so trying to compensate.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/09/2021 15:39

Not unreasonable her only other option is to bring baby to cottage or not come at all. It’s a long hen do all weekend.
If bride not happy I’d suggest stepping down as a bridesmaid would be best.

MajorCarolDanvers · 28/09/2021 15:39

How would you feel if you were the bride?

Delighted the bridesmaid was making such an effort to join in.

What would you do as bridesmaid?

By 12 weeks both of my ebf babies were fine to leave overnight with bottles of ebm. So I would have just gone, packed my pump and expressed whilst I was away and enjoyed myself.

Is the bridesmaids plan unreasonable?

If that is what you want to do your plan is fine. Its a bit of a faff for you but if its what you need to do to take part, reassure yourself etc then go for it.

mumofbun · 28/09/2021 15:40

My comment on the baby's ages was assuming it wasn't born yet but i've just realised it may well be. The "planning on exclusively breastfeeding" made it sound like it wasn't!

Footprintsonthemoon1 · 28/09/2021 15:43

If she is 100% happy doing this then great and I'd say shes a star for putting in so much effort

However, I breastfed mine and at that I wldnt have left them and if I did I'd have been stressing and not enjoying myself making it pointless

Strangevipers · 28/09/2021 15:44

Sounds like a lovely bridesmaid who is making a massive effort.

StarryStarrySocks · 28/09/2021 15:44

If I was the bridesmaid, I would either not go at all, or just go for dinner on the Saturday night. I certainly wouldn't be coming over preparing brunch for everyone else, whose idea was that?!

If I was the bride, I'd be delighted she was making the effort, but would prefer to have her join for one main thing like a meal rather than dipping in and out.

8dpwoah · 28/09/2021 15:44

I'd say that was a bridesmaid doing her level best to join in while remembering she is still fairly newly post-partum and in the fourth trimester! I would probably have just gone for the Saturday meal myself at that point or similar.

If the bride didn't appreciate it then I'd be stepping down as a bridesmaid pdq to be honest.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 28/09/2021 15:45

If I were the bride, I'd be touched that my BM was willing to go to such lengths to join, but worried she was overextending herself and would be better just to join for an evening meal.

If I were the bridesmaid, knowing what I know now, I would probably say that I wouldn't be able to join. I went to my sister's hen when my first ebf baby was 5mo, but I cut it down to 24 hours away and my baby would take a bottle. Plus I knew we weren't planning on anything too wild. There's a big difference between 12 weeks and 5 months though. My first fed well, but I was in a fog of exhaustion and misery between 6 weeks and 12 weeks.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/09/2021 15:45

Sounds like she is making the best if the situation for everyone apart from herself. So anyone who took umbridge has issues.

Bit of a clart on for her though!

doadeer · 28/09/2021 15:49

Sounds really hard for her and she's making a stellar effort. I would have only wanted to go for a meal.
My sister did something similar to this and it was hard having to pump all the time.

namechange30455 · 28/09/2021 15:49

I assume you are the bridesmaid and the bride thinks you are being U. If so I wouldn't go to anywhere near as much effort for someone so unreasonable and I'd be telling her I wasn't coming at all.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 28/09/2021 15:50

I think the bridesmaid is being very accommodating though I’m surprised she hasn’t stepped down. Her labour could be late, she could have a difficult birth or c-section or birth injuries that make her feel like not travelling. Baby might be colicky or a bad sleeper or travel sick. She may have PND or simply not feel up to a hen do.

jellybean88 · 28/09/2021 15:51

Shes gone to far more effort than most other people would have ever considered.

Honestly if it was me I would maybe only pop in for the dinner, if that

saywhatwhatnow · 28/09/2021 15:51

I'd think she was brave to plan all of that, especially if it's her first. I would've struggled to leave my 12 week old EBF baby (who refused all bottles) and do all of that but it's a totally individual situation. One i actually don't think she can realistically commit to until the baby is here. But fair play, she must like the bride!

MintyGreenDream · 28/09/2021 15:51

Are you the bridesmaid?

girlmom21 · 28/09/2021 15:53

I think it's pretty impressive that her and her DH are so committed to making it happen!

LakeShoreD · 28/09/2021 15:56

Bridesmaid sounds like a great friend who is really trying to support the bride. However, if baby isn’t taking a bottle then on Saturday night she will join for dinner and drinks and get a taxi back may not happen as an EBF baby may want to be feeding as frequently as every couple of hours. Then if bridesmaid can’t join the night out in full, or the day activities then I wonder what the point of them being there at all is, especially as their plan sounds really expensive. If baby is happily taking a bottle then the bridesmaid can join in full (should they want to) and no need for the convoluted plan at all. Top marks for effort but what’s proposed is such a massive faff that I reckon they should wait until baby is here and then make a call then about what they can/can’t commit to - if the bride is a good friend and decent person they will understand.

lawofdistraction · 28/09/2021 15:57

The hen sounds lovely. She's trying her best to be involved as possible whilst juggling the baby's needs.

I can't believe anybody could think her unreasonable! It would be totally understandable if she didn't go at all.

LizzieBet14 · 28/09/2021 16:11

I would say that the bridesmaid is going above and beyond to be involved - unless it was my sister/best friend I'd be sitting this one out and I would expect the bride to understand.

Perpop · 28/09/2021 16:11

What a thoughtful bridesmaid! I think this is above and beyond!

MiloAndEddie · 28/09/2021 16:16

I think it sounds like a fair plan in theory except for the BM turning up to prepare brunch for everyone. Wtf is that about?
If I were the bride I’d be so pleased they were trying to join but equally I’d 100% understand if they didn’t come at all

KatherineofGaunt · 28/09/2021 16:19

I'd just be happy my friend was coming and would actually be quite touched she and her partner were prepared to do this so she could attend. I'd be sad she couldn't be there the whole time, but would understand it must be tricky to get out and do things like this with a small baby.

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