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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Attending hen do post baby?

45 replies

Jemsi · 28/09/2021 15:33

The situation is that one bridesmaid will have a 12 week old at the time of the hen. Planning on baby being exclusively breast fed although it is her first.
Her proposed solution is to book herself, husband and baby into a hotel in the town a couple of miles away from hen cottage.
She will come on the Friday night to say hi, then on Saturday morning she will come and prepare brunch for everyone. She won’t partake in the activities on the Saturday and will go spend time with baby.
Then on Saturday night she will join for dinner and drinks and get a taxi back.
Her plan means husband and baby will at no point interact with the hens, but obviously means quite a bit of back and forth and maybe her involvement being quite disjointed.
How would you feel if you were the bride/ what would you do as bridesmaid?
Is the bridesmaids plan unreasonable?

OP posts:

drpet49 · 28/09/2021 16:21

* I would say that the bridesmaid is going above and beyond to be involved - unless it was my sister/best friend I'd be sitting this one out and I would expect the bride to understand.*

^This. If this was my bridesmaid I would tell her not to come. Far too much hassle and stress for her to be going back and forth in addition to being a new mum. Any caring friend wouldn’t want another friend to put themselves out so far just for a hen do.

Rosesareyellow · 28/09/2021 16:22

It depends how close the bride and bridesmaid are imo. It sounds like an immense faff if it’s for someone you’re not incredibly close with - it would have to be a close sister or best friend you’ve had since childhood.
If I was the bride I’d really appreciate it - but I’d also make it clear that unless she really wanted to do this she didn’t have to.

LittleMysSister · 28/09/2021 16:24

@mumofbun

In that situation if i was the bride i'd be more than happy if the bridesmaid said she couldn't make it. If she wanted to go through all that faff then i'd say that was lovely but she really didn't need to feel obliged.

If i was the bridesmaid I would just say sorry i couldn't commit to a hen party at the moment! I'm assuming 12 weeks old is based on estimated due date - could easily only be 8-10 weeks old! She may be being optimistic/feeling guilty she won't be able to do the whole thing so trying to compensate.

I agree with this.

It all sounds a bit of a faff and will likely end up with the hen party waiting around for the bridesmaid to show up because she's been delayed with the baby etc. It's not really worth it and will be stress for everyone.

DontWiltMySpinachPlease · 28/09/2021 16:27

I think she's doing her best and way more than I would expect of one of my hens if she had recently had a baby, and I was the bride. If the bride is a good friend, she should tell her not to fret about coming along unless she's desperate too.

Merryoldgoat · 28/09/2021 16:29

If I were the bride I’d tell her that it’s a very nice idea but entirely unnecessary, she should concentrate on her baby and that we could celebrate in a more low key way another time.

NigelSlatersXmasTaters · 28/09/2021 16:30

It's a bit random to pop in and prepare brunch and the Friday "saying hi" too. Why don't you just leave bottles for the baby and join them yourself for one night on the Saturday instead?

stealthninjamum · 28/09/2021 16:36

If I was a bride I would think what a lovely bridesmaid and wouldn’t dream of letting her make brunch - if anything she should be putting her feet up.

When I had a 12 week old there’s no way I would’ve been able to spend so long apart, she refused a bottle and spent hours every night breastfeeding. We had a wedding at that point and I spent most of the reception in a tiny room breastfeeding.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 28/09/2021 16:38

It sounds quite ambitious to me... Although I had low milk supply so I could not have left a baby overnight without having started to pump months in advance! If possible I'd just do the dinner/drinks on the Saturday night and back to the hotel. It all sounds quite stressful, and the baby's needs trumps the brides wishes

Constellationstation · 28/09/2021 16:40

If the baby isn’t born yet then I think the bridesmaid is being too optimistic. If I was the bridesmaid I wouldn’t go when my baby is so young. It sounds like a lot of faff when she’ll be exhausted anyway, and in my experience people don’t appreciate things like that. I’m less than a people pleaser than I used to be.
I think the bride and rest of the hen party are being unreasonable if they accept the offer of the bridesmaid preparing brunch for everyone.

SylvanasWindrunner · 28/09/2021 16:40

I would think she's making a lot of effort and would suggest she make it easier on herself and just come to one thing and not stress about it and exhaust herself. At 12 weeks, I wouldn't have left DD for more than an hour or so, maybe a couple for a special event.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 16:44

I wouldn’t have gone at all so I agree the bridesmaid is going above and beyond and the bride should be extremely grateful and accommodating and expect things to be flexible despite the bridesmaid’s best efforts.

I’ve been a bridesmaid 6 times, it’s a faff most of the time and a new baby is the perfect excuse to stand down…

Rosesareyellow · 28/09/2021 16:49

Her proposed solution is to book herself, husband and baby into a hotel in the town a couple of miles away from hen cottage.

So there’s quite a bit of travelling - with baby and without - going on on top of everything. Staying in a hotel with a baby isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either. Travelling to the cottage in the morning to make brunch is all well and good - but what if you’ve been up all night cluster feeding? I think the bridesmaid, for all her lovely intentions, is underestimating how much hard work babies can be and how exhausted you can still feel at 12 weeks (potentially less). If I was the bride I would advise her against all this.

LouLou198 · 28/09/2021 17:00

Sounds like she is making a massive effort to be there. Although it does sound a little tiring for her, but if I was the bride I would really appreciate it.

RampantIvy · 28/09/2021 17:09

At 12 weeks DD was still cluster feeding all evening, so I think what the bridesmaid is planning is optimistic TBH.

Are you the bridesmaid?

suzyscat · 28/09/2021 17:23

What a lovely way of trying to balance the needs of the hen with her needs as a mother. Why shouldn't she pop in and out if that's the only way she can join.

Everyone should be aware that after baby comes she might not feel the same. I thought I'd be okay going out for a short evening 10 weeks after DC2 was born and when it came down to it, there was no way I wanted to leave him.

I couldn't have left either of mine that early but I know people who did happily for a special evening.
Just prepare yourselves mentally for the possibility she will have to cancel last minute and that that is okay. (sick baby/ sleep recession/ general just a baby you don't need another reason/ post birth pains/ healing etc.)

It's a hen party - it should be fun.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 28/09/2021 17:27

Wtf

You are actually Asking this?

Obviously a reverse

AegonT · 28/09/2021 17:50

It sounds like a lot of work for the bridesmaid. I sometimes struggle to microwave my own lunch!

I can't leave my baby in the evening at all. She needs to be put to bed about 8 or she gets very upset and she won't take a bottle. My first baby was a bit of a non-sleeper so could have been bought along to the meal and would have quietly fed.

If I was the bride I'd thank the bridesmaid for wanting to be a part of the hen do but not want to plan around her till after she's had the baby and knows better what she can commit to.

lockdownalli · 28/09/2021 18:05

I would expect the bride to contact BM and say she totally understands the difficult position BM is in, and not to worry about attending hen at all.

The wedding is the important bit, right?

selflove · 28/09/2021 18:05

I was the bridesmaid in this situation!

DD was 3 weeks old. All the hens were staying in a city centre hotel, I got a separate room for DH and DD. Slept in with them at night so I could feed DD rather than sleeping in my "allocated" room with other hens. Went back and forth between activities/nightclubs all weekend every few hours, but never stayed with DD longer than it took to feed before I went off again!

None of the hens ever saw DH and DD. Friend (best friend of 20+ years) said recently she was annoyed at the time that I wasn't joining in the whole time and disappeared a lot, but now she has kids of her own she's so impressed at the level of effort I made to make things work so I could be there.

Liverbird77 · 28/09/2021 18:26

She sounds great. She's making a huge effort. I would have declined to attend any of it.

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