School undecided - private or state?

[Confused4313]

I’m hoping someone can please help me as I’m really confused and don’t know what to do. DD is in a primary school as my plan was always to keep her there till year 2 and put her in a private school from year 3. The private school near us only takes kids from year 3 that’s why I thought this.

I’m just really confused what to do and feel overwhelmed with all the decisions I have to make alone. DH is no help he just keeps saying yes we can afford it so put her in why even think about it. I keep thinking maybe it’s best to wait till secondary and then put her in private. The only decent state primary in our area has a huge waiting list and admissions in the borough told me it’s no point even waiting as there are hundreds on list before us waiting for a place even if we wanted to transfer her there.

Even tho DH tells me we have the money I have severe anxiety thinking about the huge costs involved especially as we have 2 kids who will both have to go. I’m also thinking maybe secondary will be best to spend money on. Plan initially was year 3 to year 6 private then try to get into grammar school which will be free.

Please be kind as I suffer from extreme anxiety and this feels really overwhelming for me incase I’m making a huge mistake.

If you want private ultimately get her in ASAP.

My child is too small to make this decision yet but I will be endeavouring to send them private, in large part for the greater individual focus.

However, that is not a popular mindset on here so I hope you get measured responses, not just people annihilating you and being unpleasant for the sake of it.

I disagree. If she is happy where she is, why move her?

@Orangejuicemarathoner

Personally I would leave her in state if it were my child but getting into private secondary is harder without a private primary background.

Plus all the sports you end up behind with, it’s it’s a CE school then you’ll need tuition to cover the syllabus.

If private secondary the aim then it makes sense to go private now.

If you can afford private then I would go private.

Is she happy where she is? Is she thriving? Has she made friends?

These are all things you need to consider as well as the academic side of things

Thank you everyone. I was worried I would get attacked over this lol! I literally have no one to talk to in RL. Everytime I bring it up with friends and family I get responses that are not helpful and make me feel guilty for even being able to afford it.

DD is happy in her primary but there are lots of issues with this one in particular, there are some wonderful state primaries in area but again the waiting list is ridiculous and we didn’t get them when applying for reception.

DH does say we can afford it and we both are working full time but my anxiety makes me think the worst such as if anything happens then we can’t afford it.

Basic things like I see no sporting equipment in school compared with the good primary I sent to see a d definitely behind with the independent I went to see. Her primary is kind of new (4 years old) and they have lots of stuff missing. A teacher made a comment about this school not knowing I had my child in there! She basically told us how crap snd disorganised everything is. She’s a friend of mother in law’s family. I just thought at the time it’s just moaning that we all do at some point but I can see there’s lots missing. Is that normal for a new primary?

What is the private school like? Some private schools are so much better than others, so it’s important that you like the one you are considering. How does it differ to the state junior school she will be going to? If you can answer these questions I think it will help you.
If you can afford it and are sure that the private school offers more than the state, then I would move to the private school. Years 3-6 are crucial in setting the foundations of learning. Great if they then get a place at a free grammar school, but if not, you could move back to state for secondary. Several of my friends moved from private to state (comprehensive, not grammar) so at year 7 and flourished because of the excellent foundations they had build in junior school. Contrary to popular opinion (on Mumsnet at least) it is perfectly fine to move from private to state. You don’t have to stay in the private system for ever.

I went to private school and if we can afford it I would want to consider it for our children, but I think your money would be better spent as a provision for if she doesn't get into the grammar. The state schools in grammar areas are ofter not brilliant (rights and wrongs of that are a discussion for another day). If she's happy where she is at the moment, I would be considering whether you can afford to send her private from 11-16 instead, with an option to move to a grammar for sixth form.

Personally I would save money and tutor for the grammar if DC is happy at her school. I would hate to have that stress

I have DS in Y8 and DD in Y5 at private. DS started in Reception (4+) and DD in Nursery (3+). They are in an all through school, so our intention is that they will stay at the same school until the end of 6th form.

It was the right decision for DS, who is far less academic than DD and without the private primary, would have struggled to pass the entrance exams for private secondary. The competition for places at Y7 entry is far tougher than the assessments they do for primary. DS is also super sporty and has benefited enormously from the sports provision.

DD is far more academic (as well as being sporty), and with hindsight, probably would have been able to secure a place at Y7 from a state primary, but it's very hard to tell their ability when they are young. They are both very happy and I'm confident they are in the right place for them.

The cost of putting 2 DC through private from start to finish however, is enormous. It will be about £500k in total (London) for us, plus all the associated uniform, trips, sports equipment etc. When DS started, DH and I were both in 6 figure salaried jobs, so felt reasonably secure in taking on such a big financial commitment. DH was made redundant two years ago though and not been able to find another job in his career. He's now working in a NMW job and the strain on me to hold on to my well paid job is huge, a lot can change over the 15+ years it takes to put 2 DC through. We are fortunate to have about 90% of the remaining fees saved up, but if we have to use them, that's our lifetime savings gone. We have had a good 30-40 families leave over the pandemic, where family businesses have gone under, pilots lost their jobs etc etc. If you are sure you can afford it, (assuming 5% at least fee inflation per year, possibly 20% if Labour get in and add VAT to fees), then I'd suggest sooner rather than later, but think about getting at least a years worth of fees saved up in case of emergencies.

Does it help to think there isn't a "right" answer so therefore there you can't really make a "mistake"?

There are just two different options, each with pluses and minuses.

It’s hard if no one to speak to.
I’d visit all the schools. Look at their ofsted reports.
Is she happy? I’d be very reluctant to move a happy child.
Are the private schools viable and reasonable class sizes eg not 3 children in a class.
You mention grammar schools are you in a super selective area (highest mark gets in) or in an catchment area where a pass gets you a place.
It’s very area dependant.
I’m in Lancashire. A private primary starts at £7,000 a year (a year not a term!), secondary £12,000 a year. Obviously in some areas you are looking at a lot more.
Only you know how affordable it is. Will it affect holidays. What if you lose job. Would it be better spent on Uni/house deposit.
We chose private primary then state grammar and no regrets.

My son was also perfectly happy in the state village school from R to y2. However we did move him at y3 and he knew that he would be going to that school. He then went to an independent prep that went from Nursery to 18 so had the option of staying all the way through. However when it became obvious he was quite clever we then looked at a different more selective prep from y9 onwards.

If you can afford it for both of your children then go for it. We were originally going to go from y7 but he would have missed out on playing some of the sports offered and he was in first teams by the time he got to that age which he wouldn't have been if he had stayed in his primary. The same with MFL. He would not have had them to the level that he had in the indie at his primary.

But other children did join at y7 and y9 (and indeed in year admissions all the way through the school).

DH does say we can afford it and we both are working full time but my anxiety makes me think the worst such as if anything happens then we can’t afford it.

Forget what your DH tells you, can you work out if you can afford it? Reassuring words are not enough, you have to be sure you have the money to pay the fees with a certain contingency fund as a backup for minor set backs.

I can't speak for your finances, if it's finances only then I'd do as @CecilyP suggests.

We'll all feel differently I imagine, but I won't be sending my children to private school (we could afford it) and have declined to work at them as I don't think they should exist. If you would prefer one and can afford it, go for it. I suppose it also depends, as you've mentioned, on what the state schools near you are like.

I wouldn’t assume she will get in to the grammar. In my area the grammar is hotly contested and most private parents don’t even try , preferring to go to private secondaries instead. If she goes to the school at year 3, can she stay until GCSEs or will she need to do an 11+ and move on ?

You're obviously, like, crazy rich, so why is this even an issue?

For us we didn't think frittering tens of thousands was worth it. Living near a good school helps; if you have squillions, why not do that? If you live near only terrible schools... why, when you're rich? Move near a decent state high school? If you're then so concerned she's 'behind', pay for additional classes/clubs where she can make different circles of friends.

Why does he have to tell you 'you can afford it'? Don't you already know if you can or can't by being aware of the family figures yourself?

dont move a happy child for no reason

The private primary would go up to year 6 then most kids go to one of the grammar state schools or the independent secondary one. I know it’s no right answer but my gut is telling me she will be happier. She doesn’t have many friends. I might be wrong but I’m a smaller setting she might make more friendships. I think she’s happier in smaller groups and talks more that I’ve noticed. There’s so many options here where we live for independent schools are they obviously don’t take into consideration the catchment areas do we have so much choice whereas the state primaries we have no choice as catchment area is not where our home is

My position has always been if you can afford it go private. I've found as an adult money talks and sometimes sheer grit and merit won't get you very far alone.

@Rannva

Why does he have to tell you 'you can afford it'? Don't you already know if you can or can't by being aware of the family figures yourself?

That was my first thought.

If you have a strong preference for the grammar, on a £ basis, I’d keep her in primary and invest in tutoring from early on for the best chance of grammar. Checking what percentage that is.

If you want private and you’re anxious about affording for 2 if circumstances change, then do some planning around worst case scenario. For example, how much can you save now as a buffer? Do you have lots of equity which you could release by - worst case scenario - down sizing?

In my experience, smaller groups don’t make it easier to make friends. The larger primaries all splinter off into small groups anyway, and it just increases the chances that she’ll find someone who is a good fit. Many many children go through school with just one friend, simply because that’s the person they fit with - don’t worry if she doesn’t have a big group.

@Rannva

You're obviously, like, crazy rich, so why is this even an issue?

For us we didn't think frittering tens of thousands was worth it. Living near a good school helps; if you have squillions, why not do that? If you live near only terrible schools... why, when you're rich? Move near a decent state high school? If you're then so concerned she's 'behind', pay for additional classes/clubs where she can make different circles of friends.

There’s always, like, one isn’t there?