To be fed up of bringing up another chid who is my husband!

[Jasmino1o]

I’m feeling like I’m at breaking point. My husband is someone who has always had everything done for him, his mother has admitted she has spoiled him and did too much for him, and it certainly shows. It’s something that springs up every now and again, and when I’m at breaking point he changes, for a short while, but then is back to normal. BUT it is now rubbing off on our son and I just can’t take it anymore.
I work 24 hours a week over nights, I am also studying towards a Law degree, as well as being a full-time Mum! And doing most of the cooking and cleaning.
Why am I at breaking point? There’s loads to say. Yesterday evening for example, I was cooking homemade soup, while it was simmering I decided to finish off painting this bookcase for our new house while my daughter played, my husband works from home and he was done with work for the day but decided to stay on the computer for a while until dinner was ready. At around 6 the soup was ready to blend and I was almost done with the painting so I asked my husband if he would give me a hand, either to blend the soup or to finish the 1 panel of paint. He decided on the soup. He was asking repeatedly in a hurry where the blender was, he couldn’t find it anywhere!!!! He’s the type that opens a drawer, if it’s not directly on the top then it’s not there apparently. Of course I got up, moved our son’s lunch bag and low and behold there it was! Magically appeared out of no where. He goes to blend the soup and it goes everywhere! For some reason then, I can’t remember now, we swapped, he questioned and questioned where to paint even though I explained just this one side to him already but he tends to be distracted by his phone when I talk to him. Then about an hour later, dirty socks on the floor in the lounge, I took them to the washing basket (you’d think we lived in a mansion as it seems to be too far to take washing to the laundry basket in the bathroom upstairs, or the utility). And then while I was clearing our bedroom, he was running a bath for our daughter and just kept disappearing downstairs for some reason not watching the bath. There was something else which I can’t remember and it’s just like it’s one thing after the other. This morning I found the pot of paint, which is a new pot and cost £25, without a lid!!!!! How can you forget to put the lid back on the paint?

Anyway, just an hour ago my son, who is almost 4, was moaning and moaning for his sword, which he was playing with not long ago, but I was in the toilet and I was trying to tell him it was downstairs and to look for it, and he was still whining, when I finished and went downstairs what was right by his feet was the sword!!!! I just can’t take it anymore! Aibu? Or is this all normal?

No it's not normal and I would be at my wits end with it all too. For some people it is just very easy to be helpless/useless

No, that's not normal and is the exact reason I divorced XH. It's impossible to stay sexually attracted to someone who sees you as their nursemaid / mother.

Oh and what has got me the most is that while our son was in nursery this morning, all I kept thinking about was how sad I was, and how it was like I had another child in the house, and I had to have a little chat with him, I asked him if he understood why I was frustrated and if he agreed it was an issue, his response was along the lines of “yes, but…”, so to me he doesn’t think it’s an issue and appropriate for me to be frustrated. He is desperate to have another child and I’ve been on and off with the idea, but I’m certainly off the idea now because it would most certainly break us because I could not deal with working, a toddler and the school runs, a baby, and the biggest work of them all him.
I’m a person that likes a clean, clutter free home, so before our son I did pick things up off the floor and happily did all the cleaning etc, and we had a very happy relationship. But after our son I had less time, even more when I started working again, so maybe I wouldn’t keep my husband’s clothes, they would pile up for weeks, if not months at times, honestly. He thinks he does a fair share amount of cleaning because he’ll do the dishes most nights (load up the dishwasher), never empty though because I’ll always do that. If he cooks on the rare occasions that he does, he makes such a mess, vegetable peeling will be all over the worktop, all the packaging will be left out, and it’s me who has to clean it all up. He also takes the bins to the road. That’s pretty much it.

Not normal, but YABU for putting up with it. He can only be incompetent if you let him. Stop sorting things out for him and he’ll soon have to put his big boy pants on and find a way to cope.

Also, have you heard of “strategic incompetence”? Google it.

No one is so careless by mistake. He must be doing some of these things on purpose so he can show you’re ‘simply better’ than him, so you stop asking him to do stuff. It’s a tactic he’s gotten very good at, it seems.

If he is capable of holding down a job, he can certainly paint a bookcase, find a toy or blend some soup.

I would sit him down, split all the chores 50/50 today and explain that things must change because he’s not a child, he’s a functioning adult and a parent now. He needs to start acting like one and stop with the excuses of ‘can’t, don’t know, you’re better’.

Would you stay with this man if it didn't drastically change?
You have to have boundaries and set the bar higher.

He doesn't take this seriously. There's not much more you can do. If he doesn't understand what you need or doesn't want to give you what you need, why are you there.

The changing for a few days is just to 'shut you up' so he can go back to what is comfortable for him.

DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD WITH THIS MAN.

Sorry for the capitals. But you would be crazy to add another child into the mix because it will be YOU running ragged, not him.

It sounds like you are taking on the entire mental workload and doing more of your fair share of the physical workload. It’s not sustainable and really toxic to a relationship. He needs to understand that it is not good enough and take responsibility some some aspects of the household running.

It’s easy to be helpless. My husband is great, but there was certainly elements of helpless behaviour after the kids arrived. I gave up answering questions that I would expect a reasonable adult sharing my household to know the answer to, so he gave up asking and sorted it/found it himself. I also stopped doing everything around household/kids organisation, and we still use a whiteboard planner for packed lunches/PE kits etc so he knows when these are needed and doesn’t have to ask me (I work less hours so don’t mind completing the whiteboard). I also showed him this: www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-9

I think you need to have serious conversation, and get him to step up to taking on some tasks and don’t help him with them. As someone else said, it’s difficult to be attracted to someone you are having to mother.

Go on strike. Might make him appreciate you. He needs to wise up.

Fuck that.

Of course he's happy to have another kid if you do everything for them and him - he doesn't see it as more work because he isn't doing anything anyway. I couldn't stay with someone like this, and at the very least if I were you I'd be having another conversation where you set out:

1. The actual balance of what you do vs he does in a day
2. The time it takes to do those things
3. How much free time that leaves you both
4. The fact that it's unattractive and selfish, and therefore you're not happy to continue like that
5. Either he commits to changing, or your marriage is on notice - be very clear this is a deal-breaker level situation and that you're not prepared to be in a partnership with someone who isn't doing the partnership aspect

@ChickenFeed30

That’s a good read, thanks. Definitely will try and take it on board.

@GrrrlPwr

Go on strike. Might make him appreciate you. He needs to wise up.

I think about this sometimes but I know it won’t make a difference. It’ll be twice the work for me afterwards. It’s like if I’ve been doing extra shifts so not spending as much time at home, nothing gets done, only the absolute bare minimum which is cleaning the dishes, but nothing else gets done. No hoovering, no clothes washed, clutter being left all over the place. It’s so deflating for me, I feel absolutely drained and on the verge of tears. It’s not fair on our son for me to be this person, I want to happily play with him but I’m so sad.

I asked him if he understood why I was frustrated and if he agreed it was an issue, his response was along the lines of “yes, but…”

One of the most useful pieces of advice I've ever been given is Always ignore everything which comes before the word 'but'.

I’m a person that likes a clean, clutter-free home...

When my DCs were small, I was told by a wise kind friend that I could choose any two of the following, but not all three:

A clean house
Happy children
My sanity

Wifework

Surely he's doing it on purpose to make sure you never expect anything from him? Surely he isn't that bloody stupid?!

I'd just leave. Stop trying to fix it. You've already told him what the problem is and it isn't getting better. Get rid of him.

Ask him to read the essay ‘my wife left me because of a dirty cup’. I can’t remember the exact title but if he still doesn’t get it (or more likely doesn’t want to get it) then I would not waste another second of your life trying to change him.

He sounds like he’s being strategically incompetent but doing painting whilst making dinner isn’t making your own life any easier either.

It's called day to day living in some households, people who are misbalanced in their ways of doing things. Too late to be blaming a persons Mother, who did everything for their child when young.If you are getting frazzled all the time, you need to have conversations with your partner, and try and sort out a better way of living in some sort of harmony together.

Found the link www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Don’t have another child. I can’t stress this enough!
You need to stop doing things for him. Honestly, as a single mum of three when my ex left, somehow things got easier. I wasn’t running around after him whilst simultaneously stressing about how little he did. I agree with a poster above in that this behaviour is extremely unattractive.

Not unreasonable at all. As a PP has said it does sound 'strategic'.

My 'partner' (using that expression loosely) thinks that him loading the dishwasher is heroic and deserves a round of applause and medal ceremony. He'll never wash up anything that wouldn't fit in (it's only a slimline dw), or anything that isn't dw safe. Leaves it for me. If he actually cared he'd just get on and do it. He's capable of doing it - just chooses not to.

I completely understand why you keep doing it all op, it's because you know he won't be bothered by it and you and the children suffer.
I'm glad you've decided not have more children with him @Jasmino1o but you must address his incompetence now otherwise you'll resent him (if you don't already) and then there's no way back.

That's awful. You shouldn't be taking on the entire mental load. I would tell him how he's behaving is making you feel and that it needs to change. If he doesn't change, I would leave. I wouldn't be able to live like that.

Your four year old is being a normal four year old at present. They are incapable of searching. I fine the way to concentrate minds is to tell kids that I will come look (once off the loo) but if I can spot it without having to move anything (other than opening drawers/cupboard doors) then I get to confiscate the item for a week.

Concentrates the mind beautifully.