To be fed up of bringing up another chid who is my husband!

[Jasmino1o]

I’m feeling like I’m at breaking point. My husband is someone who has always had everything done for him, his mother has admitted she has spoiled him and did too much for him, and it certainly shows. It’s something that springs up every now and again, and when I’m at breaking point he changes, for a short while, but then is back to normal. BUT it is now rubbing off on our son and I just can’t take it anymore.
I work 24 hours a week over nights, I am also studying towards a Law degree, as well as being a full-time Mum! And doing most of the cooking and cleaning.
Why am I at breaking point? There’s loads to say. Yesterday evening for example, I was cooking homemade soup, while it was simmering I decided to finish off painting this bookcase for our new house while my daughter played, my husband works from home and he was done with work for the day but decided to stay on the computer for a while until dinner was ready. At around 6 the soup was ready to blend and I was almost done with the painting so I asked my husband if he would give me a hand, either to blend the soup or to finish the 1 panel of paint. He decided on the soup. He was asking repeatedly in a hurry where the blender was, he couldn’t find it anywhere!!!! He’s the type that opens a drawer, if it’s not directly on the top then it’s not there apparently. Of course I got up, moved our son’s lunch bag and low and behold there it was! Magically appeared out of no where. He goes to blend the soup and it goes everywhere! For some reason then, I can’t remember now, we swapped, he questioned and questioned where to paint even though I explained just this one side to him already but he tends to be distracted by his phone when I talk to him. Then about an hour later, dirty socks on the floor in the lounge, I took them to the washing basket (you’d think we lived in a mansion as it seems to be too far to take washing to the laundry basket in the bathroom upstairs, or the utility). And then while I was clearing our bedroom, he was running a bath for our daughter and just kept disappearing downstairs for some reason not watching the bath. There was something else which I can’t remember and it’s just like it’s one thing after the other. This morning I found the pot of paint, which is a new pot and cost £25, without a lid!!!!! How can you forget to put the lid back on the paint?

Anyway, just an hour ago my son, who is almost 4, was moaning and moaning for his sword, which he was playing with not long ago, but I was in the toilet and I was trying to tell him it was downstairs and to look for it, and he was still whining, when I finished and went downstairs what was right by his feet was the sword!!!! I just can’t take it anymore! Aibu? Or is this all normal?

Can’t help with your partner though. I’d have divorced him already.

Even my own children know that just walking away from mess and expecting me to clear it up is like saying fuck you (Dh works full time I am a SAHM with teenagers). He needs to read the above article and when you talk to him make sure his phone is in his pocket and not in front of his face. Again my own children know this.

I would ask him if he needs this type of help whilst he is at work. I bet the answer is no. He is just a lazy fucker who needs to get off his computer or phone and parent and be actively plugged into his life.

Going against the grain here but i think you are trying to do too much at once. I wouldnt attempt to try and paint a book case at the same time as making home made soup. Its not like the book case can't wait. Also doing a law degree plus work and being a mum sounds too much. I think you've taken on too much and although certainly your husband could be more useful perhaps you're spending most of your days juggling too many things and your home life is suffering for it. You knew how he was before you took on the studying and work so if you plan to do all these things you'll need to accept theres going to be some degree of chaos at home.

Right.

There are things you can try.

Sit down with him and explain bluntly that your relationship will be over if he does not change. Not now but in a few years the resentment will grow until you literally can't stand it any more.

You need to compromise on some things. If you're one of those crazy mumnetters who has to wash sheets twice every week even though you wear pyjamas and towels and jeans after every use, and irons everything, consider scaling back massively. Just in case there is a level of perfectionism going on.

Sit down and write down every single task you do in the week and then every one that needs to be done every month. Break it into component parts eg food -
Meal planning
Shopping / online shop ordering
Putting shopping away
Cooking
Clearing up / wiping surfaces
Washing up
Loading dishwasher
Emptying dishwasher

Ans highlight what you do and what he does. Ask him why he thinks that's fair and what he is doing to do about it.

If he continues to leave stuff lying about like clothes or other stuff get a big box or bucket and dump it all there, at least it will be out of your sight.

Give him some more responsibility. For example you ask him to paint a small part of a bookshelf and you are continuing to be the 'leader' and he is continuing to follow your instructions. So he paints a part and does nothing else like put the lid on. If you agree that you will decorate x and he will decorate y then the responsibility is on him to source paint, decide how to do it, wash brushes after etc. Work out a fair split of household stuff. So for example say 'bathrooms' are all his responsibility. He then cleans them, washes towels, orders toothpaste and shampoo etc. Its easier than deciding on who is responsible for each small task eg replacing used soap. So in our house, I do everything food, my husband does everything bills, we share washing and it works

Stop doing stuff for him without telling him. There are socks on the floor, call him into the room and ask him to pick them up. If you pick them up for him he probably wont even remember he left them there.

You could suggest counselling so he can see how serious this is for you and someone else explaining how shit he is being might help

Definitely don’t have another baby with this man until you have an equal division of labour without you having to remind him or monitor him.

He’s an adult, you’re an adult. There is no reason for him not to do his fair share other than he can’t be arsed. He needs to be modelling responsibility for his son, not strategic incompetence.

I feel your pain, my DH is like this. I did reach breaking point where a combination of things including feeling like I had a fourth child collided and I couldn’t cope any more. Things have definitely improved but I think that’s also down to me understanding he is different to me, what I think is common sense just dosnt occur to him as we are very different people. My DF was nothing like this, he was very hands on, always cleaning and cooking, it would never occur to him to come home from work and sit down, if dinner needed cooking he’d just do it, nothing in the house was ever left undone. I remember making dinner once, I was peeling veg and stopped to take a phone call, by the time I came back my DF had finished it all and cleaned the kitchen up, I was only gone 5 mins tops. So when it came to my DH who’s mum and grandmother did absolutely everything for his DF and his siblings I just couldn’t wrap my head around it, his DF never made a meal in his life or cleaned up after himself. Thankfully my DH is a lot better, occasionally he starts going back into his old ways, I’ve just learnt to nip it in the bud before it gets to the point I’m loosing it with him. Sometimes I just breath and let things go, picking the important battles.

After 44 years of this, multiple rows and very little change I have told my H that he’s got a month to buck up his effing ideas or I’m off.

Feigned incompetence is the final straw IMO. He’s apparently a fully functioning adult in other ways and I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

Yes, I should left years ago but I’m buggered if I’m giving up my lovely home, that I have worked my socks off to have.

@Worldgonecrazy

I have mentioned that article before in previous discussions when I’ve reached breaking point! Don’t think he even bothered to read it to be honest. He is one of those ‘if I ignore it it will go away’ people, he also hates any kind of negativity about himself so probably didn’t read it because he might realise that’s what he’s like.

@1forAll74

It's called day to day living in some households, people who are misbalanced in their ways of doing things. Too late to be blaming a persons Mother, who did everything for their child when young.If you are getting frazzled all the time, you need to have conversations with your partner, and try and sort out a better way of living in some sort of harmony together.

I’m not blaming his mother, she brings it up at times, why, don’t know, maybe because she knows what he’s like. Also I don’t mean when he was little! Like when he was an adult!!! When he moved back in after splitting with his ex at the age of around 23 I think, she did EVERYTHING for him, made his bed, kept his clothes, tidied his room, made his lunch box!!!!!

Believe me I have had many, and I mean many, conversations. I try and point out things he “forgets” in the hope he realises how bad he is. Like every time there’s dirty underwear on the floor in the bedroom, every time he has left an empty packet of something on the coffee table, desk, remind him constantly to keep his clothes which can pile up for weeks.

@twilightermummy I’ve noticed if it’s just me around in the morning I’ve got our son ready way earlier than if I did with him there, you’d think it was the other way round yes!

It is unattractive definitely. No wonder my sex drive has diminished. He say’s I’m not as affectionate anymore, I try and explain why! How can I be if I’m so fed up an tired. Why should I be more affectionate to him when he’s not helpful or supportive.

@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp

I do hope things change for you. I can only imagine how hard all those years have been for you. You certainly need and deserve the support so I hope you’ll get it x

Maybe if men realised how sexy a capable adult male is, they would change?

Sadly for many women ‘duty sex’ seems to get added to the list of chores

Why on earth are you trying to make dinner and paint a bookcase at the time? Let alone whilst also supervising a toddler?! There is far too much going on here to begin with. Without DH in the middle of it.

There's too separate issues here. You are doing too much, working SAHM and studying. Something has to give. I know what I'm talking about because i worked part evenings and stayed at home with the kids. I couldn't manage study as well.

Secondly, ask incompetent husband who contributes nothing to leave and go back to mummy.

Completely normal for your 3 year old.

[quote Worldgonecrazy]Found the link www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288[/quote]
If only that wasn't written in such a patronising manner.

"You know and I know that your wife is being unreasonable about that glass, but hey, let's make the little woman happy, and humour her"

Oh yanbu I parent one of these too.

These days I either:

Ignore
Tell him he's an adult and it's time he figured this shit out for himself
Shrug and say I don't know and advise he rings his mum

He usually manages to figure it out himself

It was like I wrote this 2 years ago. Im in the process of divorcing my third child. Even still, I'm doing wife work in terms of house sale, child care arrangements etc. It's not acceptable and only you can change the situation for good if he's unwilling to change himself.

My ex DH was like this.
I ended up finding him sexually repulsive.