Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Babies growing up

34 replies

Newmama93 · 28/09/2021 08:31

What is the point of having kids if they grow up and apart from you anyways, what’s the point of putting endless hours and wakeless nights into loving and nurturing them if they grow up to move across the state and hardly call you .. you’re once their world and then they hardly give a shit about you!

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 28/09/2021 08:33

I “give a shit” about my DM. I’m 50. HTH.

Lazypuppy · 28/09/2021 08:34

Not all children move away and never call...however, that is the point to raise your child to go and live their own life. Yes its sad if they want to live that life away from you, but that isn't true for every parent/child

PinkPlantCase · 28/09/2021 08:37

It takes two to tango, I’m sure when DC go no contact it’s because of circumstances on both sides.

If you want to talk to DC more often, call them, arrange to meet up etc. Don’t just leave it all to them.

Babdoc · 28/09/2021 08:43

My DDs are in their 30’s and we all love each other to bits! They live 50 miles away, in our nearest big city, for work reasons, but we talk and visit each other regularly and still go on holidays together. I’m v fond of both their partners too.
Part of parenting is to gradually give your DC more independence and life skills, letting them fly the nest, but if you have built a solidly loving relationship with them, that love and mutual respect continues for life.

Branleuse · 28/09/2021 08:45

I dunno, i guess it just seems like a good idea at the time

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 28/09/2021 08:45

My son is 20, moved out when he was 18, and I hear from him almost every day.

It wasn't pointless having him, he's an amazing young man, living a good life, as he should.

I'm sorry you're struggling op, but the point in having kids is to raise them to be independent and not need us anymore.

Kitkat151 · 28/09/2021 08:54

Aww sorry you feeling like this.....I have 3 ..,,,my daughter is a constant in my life with 2 grandaughters....my eldest son lives a long haul flight away....but is home now for 6 months ( I miss him terribly when he’s away.....but love that he loves his life) ....my youngest comes and goes ( his 2 year my grandaughter, is a constant in my life)..... he’s living with us at the moment...but will likely take off soon.....and that’s life...we have our children for selfish reasons...land then they spread their wings and take off...we’ve done our job...... maybe focus on your own life now...take care

Gorl · 28/09/2021 08:55

Sounds like you’re in a tough situation OP. I hope you’re ok

Ichangemynameagain · 28/09/2021 08:56

Well, you could look at it from the point of of view that what is the point of it because we are all going to die anyway?!

Buy I'm guessing there is more going on here. Like your child has up sticks and abandoned you?

LtDansLegs · 28/09/2021 08:57

Because the point of raising children is to raise functioning adults who don't need to be tied on by the apron strings?

Adults don't go NC for no reason, but they're also allowed to move away and start their own life however they want to!

Tumbleweed101 · 28/09/2021 08:57

Biology pushes our desire to have children. Its only goal is to reproduce the species.

I realise that as individuals we invest far more than that into raising our children and we all want good, loving relationships with our adult children. Mine are young adults and off doing their own thing and I find it satisfying knowing they are independent and doing what they want with life. I think the natural ebb and flo of life will mean there will be times we are closer and times when they are more distant. Time for us to reclaim ourselves after the child rearing years.

KeepSmiling89 · 28/09/2021 08:59

Why don't you call them? I'm terrible for not getting in touch with my mum, but she always makes the effort to call me once a month for an update and chat...we also have the odd girly day out shopping. I would like to see her more but things have been a bit awkward as she doesn't really approve of my DH although we've been married for nearly 4 years...

KurtWilde · 28/09/2021 09:00

The point of having children is to raise humans who'll go out into the world and live their own lives.

But people rarely go NC for no good reason so I'd assume there's a backstory here.

Ozanj · 28/09/2021 09:09

Usually there is a good reason for cutting off a parent like that. You need to understand what it & try and make reparations.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 28/09/2021 09:18

How old are your children, have they just recently left home?

I think a lot of people get preoccupied with starting their own lives in their 20s and don’t make as much effort to contact their parents as they might, but then become much closer again after a few years.
I know I did the same, moved away, travelled the world, didn’t call or visit my parents regularly enough. I’m now in my 30s with my own children and speak with my parents every day.

Give them some space to grow and figure themselves out, whilst letting them know you are there, and they will come back to you.

ToadstoolBubbleMaker · 28/09/2021 09:23

I do sort of get where you're coming from. I have young children and the amount of time, energy, stress, money etc that I am pouring into them, just to keep them alive and relatively happy and try to keep normal life going day to day... They don't notice, and it's just sort of expected.

I do remember at times that feeling of being awake for the millionth night in a row rocking and cajoling a screaming baby, getting them to sleep, putting them down and they would scream again and I'd think 'what is the fucking point of this? They'll never fucking THANK me!'

And in the morning I'd ring my mum and tell her how much I appreciated her parenting

All of the above said, it's not a one-way street and the children bring a lot to my life and my happiness and I'm hoping to have life-long loving relationships with them.

Somethingsnappy · 28/09/2021 09:34

This could well change op. How old is your child? Children need space to spread their wings. I needed to spread my wings as a young adult and moved to a different country. Years later, with my own children, I'm moving back to my home town to be close to my mum.

HeyFloof · 28/09/2021 09:39

My lovely, I think this thread, coupled with yesterday's, would probably indicate that you might be struggling.

Your baby is tiny, it is hard and exhausting and relentless at this age. But he is a joy. And he will adore you as his Mum forever, and he's got a good few years of being attached to your thigh yet.

I would gently suggest that you perhaps speak to your partner, your GP or health visitor. It's absolutely normal to feel like this, but it does require some attention.

❤️

shouldistop · 28/09/2021 09:40

I feel like you're talking about a specific person op

CanofCant · 28/09/2021 09:41

Yes, I echo Heyfloof's advice.

BiBabbles · 28/09/2021 09:44

We have to decide the purpose, just like the rest of life where we do things from a mix of biological and environmental incentives and things out of our control. The latter is really fucking hard sometimes, it's why there are so many philosophies around coping with meaninglessness - it's part of human nature to wrestle with this, and hopefully you can get support to do that if this is weighing on you a lot. It's something many struggle with.

We are an ever shrinking part of our children's world by the function of wanting our children to grow into independent adults. While we can do things that will make it more likely we'll have a good relationship with them when they are those adults, there are no guarantees, just like the rest of life.

My kids are 9-17, I don't think I'm their world. I'm thankfully part of it so far, but I'm a little piece, and one, as others said, that they may not really see the work I've done or appreciate in a way that will make it feel meaningful to me beyond what meaning I make for myself while I can do that.

KurtWilde · 28/09/2021 09:44

Ahh, having seen @HeyFloofs post (and I did wonder about your username) it seems your baby is still tiny and you're struggling.

You are your baby's world, and it's likely you always will be in some form, even if it's not the same as the bond you have now.

Go easy on yourself OP, and don't be afraid to let people know you're struggling.

MindyStClaire · 28/09/2021 09:45

@HeyFloof

My lovely, I think this thread, coupled with yesterday's, would probably indicate that you might be struggling.

Your baby is tiny, it is hard and exhausting and relentless at this age. But he is a joy. And he will adore you as his Mum forever, and he's got a good few years of being attached to your thigh yet.

I would gently suggest that you perhaps speak to your partner, your GP or health visitor. It's absolutely normal to feel like this, but it does require some attention.

❤️

This. Your baby is tiny, why make a leap to him moving away and not calling?

Give your GP or HV a shout, and talk to your partner about how you're feeling too.

lovelybitofsquirrell · 28/09/2021 09:46

I speak to my parents and grandparents most days.

KurtWilde · 28/09/2021 09:50

I live very close to my DM, and my 2 adult DC live 15 minutes away. We talk every day. I hope when my younger ones move out I'll still be close to them too - certainly no reason to believe otherwise.

It's a huge leap to think your tiny DC will stop caring about you once they're older. It takes a huge event for people to go NC with their parents.

Flip

1 2