To share joint party arrangements?

[MartyParty]

DD and her friend decided to hold a joint 21st party at my house. I know her friend and parents from primary school. I left the two girls to organise and prepare things between themselves. However, DH and I helped out the two girls on the day before and on the day both in terms of preparations and costs (alcohol, decorations, food, cake etc). We found it quite stressful as DH and I both work FT plus we have 2 other kids who have other commitments so there is a lot of driving around and organisation even on a normal day.

On the night of the party DD's friend mum also came over to 'help' but in reality, did nothing apart from behave like a CF guest, and then take one of her DD's friends home.

AIBU in being annoyed with dd's friends' parents, considering this was a joint birthday party, to:

1. Have helped out before and after the party
2. be really annoyed with the friend's mum for pretending to have made the joint birthday cake and telling this to all the guests?
3. Not offering to contribute towards the costs or saying thank you to us
4. At the party, I asked DD's friends mum if she and her DD could at least come over the next day to help us clear up. However, she said she couldn't because she was too busy and her DD would be too tired after the party to come over the next morning. Leaving us to clear up all the party mess.
5. Getting intensely irritated as DD's friend now wants to come back and pick up all the party decorations and leftover booze to use for her sisters' party next weekend.
6. Being even more annoyed that DD's friend mum only said thank you when texting me today to make arrangements to collect party decorations
7. Feeling offended that when I told DD's friend mum how busy I was trying to help out with party, plus trying to juggle work and other kids activities, was advised that I should have taken time off and not take the kids to their activities.

I KNOW a big failure on my part is that I did not agree/discuss this upfront with DD's friend parent before.

My DD and her friend both had an equal number of guests. They both helped do a lot of preparation before - but DD did more as she was naturally at the house anyway.

I am not friends with this other Mum. Should I leave it, grit my teeth, and put it down to bitter experience, or say something? And if so, what?

DD's friends mum keeps texting me asking me when she can come over to collect the party decorations and booze.

Surely if they didn't pay for any of the booze, you can just say no to them collecting it? If they want it, then ask them for half the cost of the entire booze order.

I wouldn't have an issue with saying no because you paid for it. The decorations I'd maybe be OK with but I'm sure the alcohol cost loads and can be put away for Christmas.
I do think that when you're planning parties and multiple people are planning, you really do need to talk it through and decide who's doing what.

" you can come and collect half the left over booze and half of the left over decorations when you give us your half of the joint party costs. Party cost 'x' your half is 'x' When suits?"

That would be my reply. Total CF
Don't let her do all the taking.

Say no to the alcohol. Definitely.

I'd probably just ignore them completely if I'm honest.

@AdviceOnLife

" you can come and collect half the left over booze and half of the left over decorations when you give us your half of the joint party costs. Party cost 'x' your half is 'x' When suits?"

That would be my reply. Total CF
Don't let her do all the taking.

Oh no. I've changed my mind. I'd do this!

Don't let her have anything you don't want her to have. Say no.

Just ignore them. They are only contacting you because they want something - the decorations and alcohol.

Definitely not worth your time. Blank and/or block.

you can come and collect half the left over booze and half of the left over decorations when you give us your half of the joint party costs. Party cost 'x' your half is 'x' When suits?"

^^this!

Of course they don’t get to keep leftover booze that you paid for! Ridiculous!

Definitely do not give them the left over booze that you paid for! Maybe let up on the decorations but you paid for the alcohol, they have no right to take it off you!

I'm not that bothered about the leftover alcohol. There is not that much of it left, and we don't drink that much. The lack of contribution to costs is annoying but I can live with that. I'm more annoyed and irritated at the parents' sheer rudeness. (DD's friend is lovely btw and nothing like her parents).

Tell her she didn't contribute financially so it's a bit cheeky to ask.

YANBU!

Just say that they can come at x time and shall we call it £x for their share?

If DD's friend is lovely and not a CF why wasn't she at yours the next day helping to clear up? Screw tiredness. Being a grown up isn't just about freedoms but responsibility too

If neither the friend or mum contributed towards the drink and decorations then tell them to jog in. I think you should've addressed costs at the time, with the friend though as she's the adult. Same with the preparations etc

Doesn't matter if you want the booze or not - this is the only way to handle CF'ers! Send the text as above !!

My ds had a joint party with his friend when they were 16 at my house. His friends mum and I went shopping together to get food and decorations and split the costs plus she gave me half the money for the pizzas I ordered on the night. After the party I gave my ds’s friend half of the leftover sweets pringles etc but that’s because they paid for half!
It doesn’t matter whether you will drink the alcohol or not, it’s the principle here that the other mum didn’t even offer any money or even say thank you! She’d get nothing from me! Or you can ask her for half the money then give her what you don’t want! Don’t be a pushover, it will teach your daughter nothing about standing up to people.

Regardless of whether you actually want the booze or not, you'd be an absolute mug to hand it over.

Just say that as you funded the party, anything left over is yours. As pp have said, they can have half of it when they pay you half the costs!

Have you already agreed she can have half?
Surely you just reply and say seeing as you paid for everything the alcohol is actually yours and you have no plans to give it away
Say you've put it aside for Christmas or something

Do not give her anything!! Unless of course you ask for and she pays for half of the costs.

Text her back and say she just have misunderstood, that you bought everything (in case she thinks her daughter paid for some ). Give her the name of the shop where you got the decorations.

Or tell her what she owes you. And give her half of the stuff after she pays.

@MartyParty

I'm not that bothered about the leftover alcohol. There is not that much of it left, and we don't drink that much. The lack of contribution to costs is annoying but I can live with that. I'm more annoyed and irritated at the parents' sheer rudeness. (DD's friend is lovely btw and nothing like her parents).

DD's friend is lovely btw and nothing like her parents

Not lovely enough to tell you she'll be back the next day to help clear up.

She sounds a lot like her parents tbh.

I’d say most of it is the friend being a CF and/or inconsiderate rather than her parents. She’s 21 - an adult - so I wouldn’t expect her parents to pay anything. She should either pay herself or discuss with her parents and speak to you. She should be tidying up, not her parents.

The cake thing was rude and so is asking for the leftover booze etc.

Your daughter and her friend are adults. You should be making arrangements and communicating with them and it is really nothing to do with the friend's mother, unless she had promised to help in some way and then not carried out what she promised. You cannot expect anything from her just because you choose to be highly involved

Of course, she should not have claimed to have made the cake and she should say thank you.

It sounds like more of the arrangements should've been between the adult DCs but the other parents are definitely CFs. Don't hand over any alcohol regardless of whether you want it.

Just give her your bank details and say it's £xx for your share.

I'd rather to the alcohol down the sink and burn the decorations than give it to these cheeky fuckers. She did precisely NOTHING to help organise the joint party yet thinks she should be able to take what you bought for free?

Agree with the text saying she can have half of what's left when she pays for half of the party costs