To share joint party arrangements?

[MartyParty]

DD and her friend decided to hold a joint 21st party at my house. I know her friend and parents from primary school. I left the two girls to organise and prepare things between themselves. However, DH and I helped out the two girls on the day before and on the day both in terms of preparations and costs (alcohol, decorations, food, cake etc). We found it quite stressful as DH and I both work FT plus we have 2 other kids who have other commitments so there is a lot of driving around and organisation even on a normal day.

On the night of the party DD's friend mum also came over to 'help' but in reality, did nothing apart from behave like a CF guest, and then take one of her DD's friends home.

AIBU in being annoyed with dd's friends' parents, considering this was a joint birthday party, to:

1. Have helped out before and after the party
2. be really annoyed with the friend's mum for pretending to have made the joint birthday cake and telling this to all the guests?
3. Not offering to contribute towards the costs or saying thank you to us
4. At the party, I asked DD's friends mum if she and her DD could at least come over the next day to help us clear up. However, she said she couldn't because she was too busy and her DD would be too tired after the party to come over the next morning. Leaving us to clear up all the party mess.
5. Getting intensely irritated as DD's friend now wants to come back and pick up all the party decorations and leftover booze to use for her sisters' party next weekend.
6. Being even more annoyed that DD's friend mum only said thank you when texting me today to make arrangements to collect party decorations
7. Feeling offended that when I told DD's friend mum how busy I was trying to help out with party, plus trying to juggle work and other kids activities, was advised that I should have taken time off and not take the kids to their activities.

I KNOW a big failure on my part is that I did not agree/discuss this upfront with DD's friend parent before.

My DD and her friend both had an equal number of guests. They both helped do a lot of preparation before - but DD did more as she was naturally at the house anyway.

I am not friends with this other Mum. Should I leave it, grit my teeth, and put it down to bitter experience, or say something? And if so, what?

DD's friends mum keeps texting me asking me when she can come over to collect the party decorations and booze.

If my son was having a joint party at a friend's house I'd expect to pay for all the alcohol that was providers (also expecting guests to bring some) as a trade off against the inconvenience and mess for those hosting!

Not expect no cost, no logistics and to take the leftovers. The cheek is out of this world 🤣🤣🤣

DD's friend is not lovely if she is "too tired" to help clear up.

Make them pay their share.

Don't hand over any booze unless they do and I agree I would rather pour it down the sink or save it for when your own DD has to bring a bottle to another party than give it to them.

Did she pay for the booze!? If no, I wouldn’t be handing it over.

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson

I'd rather to the alcohol down the sink and burn the decorations than give it to these cheeky fuckers. She did precisely NOTHING to help organise the joint party yet thinks she should be able to take what you bought for free?

Agree with the text saying she can have half of what's left when she pays for half of the party costs

I'd rather to the alcohol down the sink and burn the decorations than give it to these cheeky fuckers.

I don't know why that made me laugh so much!

I have a mental image of the OP soaking the decorations in vodka and watching them burn, with a demonic look on her face 🤣🤣

Of course you can expect the parents to pay half - they are the ones wanting half of something they didn't pay for.

Honestly though, I don't know how some people are such mugs - if you don't say no to this then you deserve what you get.

What who bought the booze? The OP or the dds? Anyway, regardless, this people are taking the piss. Ignore them

If they didn't pay towards the booze don't give it to them. They can buy their own for their other DDs party.
I would let them have the 2nd hand decorations unless you think you might have a future use for them.
If you don't want the alcohol and it is in sealed bottles or cans then give it to a charity looking for raffle/tombola prizes not to the CFs.

As you are unlikely to have much to do with this woman again I would just chalk the rest of it down to experience - some people are givers and some are takers - and it's quite clear which this woman is.

Yes - can you clarify if either the mum or the girl paid for or supplied any of the alcohol or decorations. I find it hard to believe that anyone would be such a CF to think they could take home stuff they had not paid for?

Say no to giving her the decorations and booze!!!

Tell her they can collect whatever is left that they paid for.

Did guests arrive with booze?

I would reply.
You have not participated in the costs, preparation, or clear up.
Why do you imagine you get to keep anything that's left ?
I can sell you the decorations if you want ?

Like hell would she get the decorations and booze. Text her back and give bank details and how much her half of what you spent is. If she still wants to come and collect be honest - "you can come and collect half, but let's get the payment sorted out first shall we?" You never need to have anything to do with her again.

Actually, this is a brilliant reply
You have not participated in the costs, preparation, or clear up.
Why do you imagine you get to keep anything that's left ?
I can sell you the decorations if you want ?

Matter of principal. They probably do this shit all the time. They will probably do it again next year. Tell them to get to fuck.

At 21 they are adults so I don’t think you can call her parents CFs for not contributing. Equally you didn’t have to have it at yours.
She shouldn’t have to tidy up the next day that’s the friends responsibility.
Just tell them no to the alcohol and decorations request as you bought them.

"Sure, come round at XX and you can take what you want. BTW half the cost is XXX"

I imagine that the parents probably thought the girls themselves paid for the decorations and food and booze and did the organising. They probably didn't engage with thinking it all through. I don't like their attitude at all, but I suppose 21st isn't like 18th - the girls are grown women now, and expected to 'put on the show' when they state that they are going to put on the show, and doing everything, etc.

That is possibly how a misunderstanding might have arisen - and they might have given their girl £150 towards the party, and so think that you and your partner's contribution to drinks and food etc, is just the same as what they did.

It's all wrong, and they are blinkered not to have seen all your work. Similarly, with the claiming leftovers, they probably think it is all the girls doing it between them - two girls passing on the leftovers to another one in the crowd.

The experience shows the importance of being sensitive and really ready to do one's share

You sound wonderful; proper: dignified: behaving to the highest standards. If you want to retain your own extra high standards, I would say nothing and let it pass. The other family don't think as nicely and conscientiously as you do, so you can't predict how they may respond to anything you say. It could all go horrible and the memory of your daughter's birthday will be spoilt for her - forever, potentially, every time she thinks back on turning 21.

You say it's not a lot of items, so just let it go, but wary for the younger kids when they have milestone birthdays.